Accidental Troll

Is your true anxiety one of confronting your lingering doubts that you can match up to that ambition you don't let out for anyone, including those with whom you have a relationship, see?

What?

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grymnir.livejournal.com

just saying that there is something else going on in your head. Typical trigger words for you are "alone", "pain", "grow" --but-- frequently you talk about things as they are involved in some form of progress or forward motion, from which I would infer ambition. Your tales of developing your work outs from old dips and such, seem to suggest that you ddin't know what you wanted to do--had no specific goal--when you started, but as you gain the reassurance of progress, you think about what you want to achieve.

My guess is that there i something you want to do, but aren't quite sure about it yet, or can't completely articulate it, so you sort-of flail for a sounding board at times...but also distrust actually receiving a useful response if you open up a dialog. Never mind...just rambling from a rapidly melting Michigan.

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Is it finally melting?

Flailing perhaps - often the retardation cycle is that I am frustrated with my lack of satisfaction in social interaction, and I fluctuate with how I can change that with fuckit force. This could mean one of those psycho mall-shooting tirades (tech) or learning more martial arts / getting stronger. So, for me working out is a byproduct of being socially retarded and not tall or attractive enough to get away with the lack of social skill, and not depressed enough to kill a bunch of people including myself. Comparatively it's healthy - or even the homicidal rantings are just pathetic pleas for attention. So the goal is changed to just strength, and it's called healthy.

Too much caffeine, rambly. Yes I clearly have ambition, though it's not always well-formed. There is drive, and I take the time every so often to give that drive some direction and I often get results for my efforts. I'm just never satisfied with the results, and perhaps more frustrated for trying so hard as opposed to just being frustrated with no effort. Can't fail if you don't try.
Alone just leads to pain - grow has nothing to do with it. I appreciate you trying to read it, but I feel something is being lost in the translation.

Edited Date: 2008-02-17 06:35 pm (UTC)

From:

predigested.livejournal.com

Welcome to the state of Nihilism. Enjoy your stay. If enjoyment of an abstract can be said to exist...

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HA! I was thinking the exact same thing.

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greekphilosophy.livejournal.com

I hear you.

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I like LJ because it can be anything you want/need it to be. Then again, I approach life as an existentialist. There is no point to anything. All the accomplishments and life you've had so far comes from your own rationalization/reasonings to make it worth while. You make them matter.

I grew up in a Buddhist environment. The first thing I learned as a kid is that life is pain. there is no escaping that. With that view, your main reason to live is to make your life as comfortable as possible, substituting one drug for another to make life more bearable. It's exhausting. It's a mind-set.

What's wrong with just BE? it's also a mind-set.

are you still flu-ing? Hope you feel better. I went out socializing at the club for the first time since being sick.

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how do you feel about the one buddhist viewpoint is that the bottom line is the be happy, adn increase teh happiness of others? or also to decrease suffering whenever it's possible/doesn't increase your own suffering, and both of these ideas (happness/suffering) hinging on "start with yourself"?

i have some exposure to buddhist thought including life is pain. in yoru post i am taking it that this: "With that view, your main reason to live is to make your life as comfortable as possible, substituting one drug for another to make life more bearable." was in reference to vicar in particular? or is that being held up as a goal? (i would guess no because you call that exhausting )...

so...with that in mind, what were you taught as the purpose of life? just BE? that's the shape my life has been taking of late and i have never been happier :) lol

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From my interpretation, I was taught to accept life and living as painful and suffering through Buddhist teachings - that life is between heaven and the underworld, that if we were truly good, we would have already been in heaven, but instead, we are here because God is still testing us, that we haven't pass his judgment yet. We don't know why we're here for sure, or why life is painful. The teaching is suppose to help us accept life as is. From there, "happiness" can be obtained through meditation and good will. Enlightenment and peace is a state of being, "characterized by the extinction of desire and suffering and individual consciousness." I find that it's almost impossible to reach this state of being, living in a civilized world. . . it's more possible if you become a monk and rid of all worldly possessions, but it doesn't mean that one has to go that extreme to find peace - that certain balance and compromises in life certainly help.

I don't believe in God or heaven or hell, just the here and now. Despite what the religious views of God is, most of Bhuddist teachings are philosophical and I hang onto those teachings.

re: substituting one drug for another to make life more bearable. was referring to Vicar's particular post, but can be viewed as a metaphor beyond that. If it weren't exhausting and tiring, we wouldn't question the substitution. Sometimes, it's good to take a breather and just BE, feel, process and let go.

what were you taught as the purpose of life?
hehe. I was taught that the purpose of life is to live a good one through charity work and selflessness so that I can live in heaven after I die and no longer be a part of the reincarnation chain - in a nutshell. Of course the teachings are more eloquent than that. But I went through a tough childhood, and realized that everyone is out for themselves. . . that the more selfless you are, the more people stomp on you and life just sucks balls no matter what. So I decided to live for myself and help others along the way despite there's a heaven or not. I find freedom in that and it gives me more focus to appreciate the simpler, little things in life rather than the big, complicated ones. No matter what state I am in - happy, sad, bored, etc. it comes and goes. . . nothing is too precious to hold on to, and that makes me content :)

thanks for listening. It's late. I only hope to make some sense. LOL

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Wow. Seriously wow and thanks for sharing that. I share your stomped on experience for trying to be nice, and add in the vicarious lesson that the meanest people seem to get the biggest rewards in this earth. But I'm bitter.

I like your religious views - USians tend to be very all or nothing (I in the nothing category) when it comes to religion, but your mesh of beliefs taken from what you were given sound really cool. I would love to hear more someday, but thank you muchly for what you shared :)

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I have to thank virgogirl for opening the can of worms :)

I understand all your questions and loneliness. Your working out is equivalent to my act of painting and drawing - it helps to focus on the state of being in the here and now, but it doesn't last forever because the life we choose (as a civilized person living in a society of rules and standards and laws) prevent us to truly reach this state of enlightenment all the time. It's a human condition and quite universal. Sharing, whether through charity work or thoughts through LJ, makes us all feel a little less lonely sometimes :)

From:

cweaselle.livejournal.com

Sometimes people need a break from whatever is bothering them. When I get that way I go bother the people at the Pizza resturant. Your workouts are your adiction. I think that everyone has one, but at least yours is healthy.

From:

have-inner-lady.livejournal.com

Even in-person contact is artificial. Ultimately, we are just a thought in the dark with a bunch of chemical and neurological connections.

On the other hand, fiction and not-so-non-fiction are both quite enjoyable. And there is no reason to suffer existence if it can, instead, be savored.

I frankly don't care if it's all fake.

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It tastes like steak to me...

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lol

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some personal guidelines for myself:

get over thyself i.e. relax, this has all been done before

have compassion and don't be hard on people: starting with me

give up trying to figure it all out. when i find myself doing this, i start over at "get over thyself"

if it makes any difference, or even if it doesn't, from a selfish standpoint it's been really nice being in contact with you again. one more person whose face i recognise that smiles at us when you come on by the market, one more blip amongst all the blips of human lives that i can say shines brighter for me than the others who don't know me at all. it's cool to see you and have had some conversation with you during the week.

i think it's man's nature to want to connect...if anything lj gets us back to our roots as humans who want to share and just know there are people "out there". i wouldn't think of it as some waste of time. it doesn't necessarily "get you" more "real" friends etc, but it can give you a broader perspective of life that can help you in the everyday.

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Aw!? I love seeing you guys each week too. Obviously, as I keep shivering by :)

I like a song on the radio more than any cd/ipod because somewhere someone is also listening to it...

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:D

i LOVE the radio. not only that there are people listening also, but that there are real people talking to me in my house live! i love letterman for that reason too, it's so unifying.

the toher day NPR was doing its fundraising thing asd they were like "it's eerilie quiet here in the studio" (where they were taking the phone calls) and so i picked up my phone and called and heard my phone ringing on teh radio, which filled me with inordinate amounts of glee! THEN they even said my name and thanked me for my donation and stuff.

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Wow, I would totally trip to hear my call ringing on NPR! If you ever listen to WPFW (jazz, racist black talk) you find yourself immersed in a tiny culture...it's so neat.

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kris and i affectionately refer to wpfw as the "kill whitey" station. lol

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