Substituting one drug for another

[vicarz]

When times were really bad, I drank a lot. I didn't think I drank a lot until later. I knew I drank most every night, but it was only 1-4 drinks (usually on the low side). I knew drinking simply made me feel better - it turns off pain. It numbs, makes you feel less, makes the soothing rage closer than the dwelling pain. The introspection decreases. Mostly, it just releases endorphins and you just feel pleasure. or less pain.

I stopped drinking so much (snip). Since then, I've engaged on a veritable mission in the gym - to which the goals I'm not sure. I have been working out a lot, even for me. More often, less long. I'm researching working out far more. Working out helps me grow and makes me a better...better at what? Stronger for what? It turns off pain by masking it with more other pain. It releases endorphins. It's artificial.

This is artificial. Typing on LJ doesn't make me any less alone, or my words heard. I do learn things from here, but I think I let myself vent on this piece of crap too much when more dissatisfaction might yield more activity (that may or may not be healthy). I've typed for years - to what end? What friends did I make? Lovers? Insights gained? Does this help me grow or prevent growth? Does it matter? Aw fuck...

Comments

[nofcna.livejournal.com]

From my interpretation, I was taught to accept life and living as painful and suffering through Buddhist teachings - that life is between heaven and the underworld, that if we were truly good, we would have already been in heaven, but instead, we are here because God is still testing us, that we haven't pass his judgment yet. We don't know why we're here for sure, or why life is painful. The teaching is suppose to help us accept life as is. From there, "happiness" can be obtained through meditation and good will. Enlightenment and peace is a state of being, "characterized by the extinction of desire and suffering and individual consciousness." I find that it's almost impossible to reach this state of being, living in a civilized world. . . it's more possible if you become a monk and rid of all worldly possessions, but it doesn't mean that one has to go that extreme to find peace - that certain balance and compromises in life certainly help.

I don't believe in God or heaven or hell, just the here and now. Despite what the religious views of God is, most of Bhuddist teachings are philosophical and I hang onto those teachings.

re: substituting one drug for another to make life more bearable. was referring to Vicar's particular post, but can be viewed as a metaphor beyond that. If it weren't exhausting and tiring, we wouldn't question the substitution. Sometimes, it's good to take a breather and just BE, feel, process and let go.

what were you taught as the purpose of life?
hehe. I was taught that the purpose of life is to live a good one through charity work and selflessness so that I can live in heaven after I die and no longer be a part of the reincarnation chain - in a nutshell. Of course the teachings are more eloquent than that. But I went through a tough childhood, and realized that everyone is out for themselves. . . that the more selfless you are, the more people stomp on you and life just sucks balls no matter what. So I decided to live for myself and help others along the way despite there's a heaven or not. I find freedom in that and it gives me more focus to appreciate the simpler, little things in life rather than the big, complicated ones. No matter what state I am in - happy, sad, bored, etc. it comes and goes. . . nothing is too precious to hold on to, and that makes me content :)

thanks for listening. It's late. I only hope to make some sense. LOL

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Wow. Seriously wow and thanks for sharing that. I share your stomped on experience for trying to be nice, and add in the vicarious lesson that the meanest people seem to get the biggest rewards in this earth. But I'm bitter.

I like your religious views - USians tend to be very all or nothing (I in the nothing category) when it comes to religion, but your mesh of beliefs taken from what you were given sound really cool. I would love to hear more someday, but thank you muchly for what you shared :)

[nofcna.livejournal.com]

I have to thank virgogirl for opening the can of worms :)

I understand all your questions and loneliness. Your working out is equivalent to my act of painting and drawing - it helps to focus on the state of being in the here and now, but it doesn't last forever because the life we choose (as a civilized person living in a society of rules and standards and laws) prevent us to truly reach this state of enlightenment all the time. It's a human condition and quite universal. Sharing, whether through charity work or thoughts through LJ, makes us all feel a little less lonely sometimes :)