Substituting one drug for another

[vicarz]

When times were really bad, I drank a lot. I didn't think I drank a lot until later. I knew I drank most every night, but it was only 1-4 drinks (usually on the low side). I knew drinking simply made me feel better - it turns off pain. It numbs, makes you feel less, makes the soothing rage closer than the dwelling pain. The introspection decreases. Mostly, it just releases endorphins and you just feel pleasure. or less pain.

I stopped drinking so much (snip). Since then, I've engaged on a veritable mission in the gym - to which the goals I'm not sure. I have been working out a lot, even for me. More often, less long. I'm researching working out far more. Working out helps me grow and makes me a better...better at what? Stronger for what? It turns off pain by masking it with more other pain. It releases endorphins. It's artificial.

This is artificial. Typing on LJ doesn't make me any less alone, or my words heard. I do learn things from here, but I think I let myself vent on this piece of crap too much when more dissatisfaction might yield more activity (that may or may not be healthy). I've typed for years - to what end? What friends did I make? Lovers? Insights gained? Does this help me grow or prevent growth? Does it matter? Aw fuck...

Comments

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Wow. Seriously wow and thanks for sharing that. I share your stomped on experience for trying to be nice, and add in the vicarious lesson that the meanest people seem to get the biggest rewards in this earth. But I'm bitter.

I like your religious views - USians tend to be very all or nothing (I in the nothing category) when it comes to religion, but your mesh of beliefs taken from what you were given sound really cool. I would love to hear more someday, but thank you muchly for what you shared :)

[nofcna.livejournal.com]

I have to thank virgogirl for opening the can of worms :)

I understand all your questions and loneliness. Your working out is equivalent to my act of painting and drawing - it helps to focus on the state of being in the here and now, but it doesn't last forever because the life we choose (as a civilized person living in a society of rules and standards and laws) prevent us to truly reach this state of enlightenment all the time. It's a human condition and quite universal. Sharing, whether through charity work or thoughts through LJ, makes us all feel a little less lonely sometimes :)