Substituting one drug for another

[vicarz]

When times were really bad, I drank a lot. I didn't think I drank a lot until later. I knew I drank most every night, but it was only 1-4 drinks (usually on the low side). I knew drinking simply made me feel better - it turns off pain. It numbs, makes you feel less, makes the soothing rage closer than the dwelling pain. The introspection decreases. Mostly, it just releases endorphins and you just feel pleasure. or less pain.

I stopped drinking so much (snip). Since then, I've engaged on a veritable mission in the gym - to which the goals I'm not sure. I have been working out a lot, even for me. More often, less long. I'm researching working out far more. Working out helps me grow and makes me a better...better at what? Stronger for what? It turns off pain by masking it with more other pain. It releases endorphins. It's artificial.

This is artificial. Typing on LJ doesn't make me any less alone, or my words heard. I do learn things from here, but I think I let myself vent on this piece of crap too much when more dissatisfaction might yield more activity (that may or may not be healthy). I've typed for years - to what end? What friends did I make? Lovers? Insights gained? Does this help me grow or prevent growth? Does it matter? Aw fuck...

Comments

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Is your true anxiety one of confronting your lingering doubts that you can match up to that ambition you don't let out for anyone, including those with whom you have a relationship, see?

What?

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

just saying that there is something else going on in your head. Typical trigger words for you are "alone", "pain", "grow" --but-- frequently you talk about things as they are involved in some form of progress or forward motion, from which I would infer ambition. Your tales of developing your work outs from old dips and such, seem to suggest that you ddin't know what you wanted to do--had no specific goal--when you started, but as you gain the reassurance of progress, you think about what you want to achieve.

My guess is that there i something you want to do, but aren't quite sure about it yet, or can't completely articulate it, so you sort-of flail for a sounding board at times...but also distrust actually receiving a useful response if you open up a dialog. Never mind...just rambling from a rapidly melting Michigan.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Is it finally melting?

Flailing perhaps - often the retardation cycle is that I am frustrated with my lack of satisfaction in social interaction, and I fluctuate with how I can change that with fuckit force. This could mean one of those psycho mall-shooting tirades (tech) or learning more martial arts / getting stronger. So, for me working out is a byproduct of being socially retarded and not tall or attractive enough to get away with the lack of social skill, and not depressed enough to kill a bunch of people including myself. Comparatively it's healthy - or even the homicidal rantings are just pathetic pleas for attention. So the goal is changed to just strength, and it's called healthy.

Too much caffeine, rambly. Yes I clearly have ambition, though it's not always well-formed. There is drive, and I take the time every so often to give that drive some direction and I often get results for my efforts. I'm just never satisfied with the results, and perhaps more frustrated for trying so hard as opposed to just being frustrated with no effort. Can't fail if you don't try.
Alone just leads to pain - grow has nothing to do with it. I appreciate you trying to read it, but I feel something is being lost in the translation.