(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm kinda crazy but it's all self-inflicted. Nothing whining here will help with.

I work out often. I like the growth there, and frankly I like the balance of benefit from exercise and time spent on it. Works better for me than hiking.

Work has exploded and I'm busy.

I play d3 too much.

Murr.

I have a friend who is sort of...Cesar Milan by accident. He is nice, but also blunt. He's normally pretty unassuming, but his wants, dislikes, and cut off points are plain, clear, and he will express them quickly and firmly. I find I like this - whether I am "ok with" what he expresses, the fact he is clear and immediate with his position makes him much easier to deal with. I'm trying to be more assertive myself, and not apologize my way through everything so much. Perhaps we'd _all_ be better off if we, without branching into unapologetic douchebag, found a place where we could just express those things we feel simply and directly, then move on.

Pack leader, or just direct without bullying? I guess it's always a balance.

Comments

u

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

Wow, I tend to agree with that idea. I'm not that person, but I admire that person. I would much rather know your triggers than guess.

In the group the Archwarden and I facilitate, we have a safeword ("ouch") which -- by agreement -- means the conversation stops and we regroup, because the person who said it has let us know we're treading dangerously near one of their personal landmines.

By the same token, if the person always expects the other person/people to be the ones who compromise just because he's better at articulating his needs, that can get old. Would he also say "I'll do this for you, but it wouldn't be my choice" or something similar? Or is it just "No"?

Re: u

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Thanks to facebook, I'm tired of "ouch." In fact, given my liberal group which I'm probably parsing down, the tide has turned to the degree that the allegedly sensitive are using "triggers" as a way of bullying everyone who doesn't agree with them - and demanding attention and sympathy. Don't get what you want? That's triggering - how dare you!

I like the idea, but like many others it is getting abused.

Re: u

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

This isn't so much about people disagreeing with your opinion... because of the nature of the group the discussion can get personal, and -- after one incident which ended up with two people leaving -- we set it up. In that instance it related to part of a person's history which he hadn't really shared before, so we had no way of knowing it was eating at him until he exploded. Interestingly, he's not the one who left; the two people who upset him did.

In practice, since we have it, it's never been used. It's just a "norm" so that a similar situation doesn't get out of control in future. We also "check in" at the beginning of the session to let people know what "threat level" we're at and take that into account as the conversation unfolds.

Re: u

[desiringmachine.livejournal.com]

I think I'm friends with pretty liberal people, but I've never experienced this. I'm also not really sure what it has to do with being liberal, honestly. It amounts to censorship if it's used that way, and that's not liberal. But there are a lot of people who don't really know what that word means.

Re: u

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I can see it - with my friends it's the wacky liberals, and they just declare it their right as failure to be sensitive as they are --- kind of like people get preachy about veganism or recycling?

[sinnamongirl.livejournal.com]

I generally prefer friends who are blunt like that; so a lot of my friends can tip over into 'jerk' territory pretty quickly, but at the same time I find it's much easier to deal with them than it is to deal with people who tip too far the opposite direction- for whatever reason- where they don't say enough to highlight the situation. I'm bewildered when I find out that an action was taken for a reason that was never expressed- Especially if by words or actions, I could've helped the true situation that was being acted out for the other person.

Me, I vary between the two- I can be very blunt, but I spend a lot of time wanting to make things comfortable for other people, to be really nice to them, to have compassion and all that. Which is all well and good, compassion is one of my personally most admired qualities in general, but I'd really like to strike that balance of just setting up my thoughts and boundaries, without being a jerk, but being forthright and easily understood.