I am a geek. I was a geek. I am a geek.
So I just came from the HS happy hour. It was just plain odd. I didn't feel uncomfortable, but I didn't fit in at all.
I was surprised - no one was fat. All the girls were still skinny and frankly pretty for the most part. A few more high-heels with jeans than I'm used to, but for G'burg it was a pretty attractive crowd. I can't believe how cute all the girls were - they all looked in their early to mid-twenties. It's like I'm in LA, only without the good fashion sense. Most of the guys looked like ass, though the one black guy was fucking built, but overall it was the girls that still looked good.
I socialized with the geeks - I was at ease with everyone, but anyone that looked hurt or out of place I immediately gravitated to - trying to make them as comfortable as could be. I'm still a geek, but still feeling like I'm not.
It seems I'm looking good, whatever that means. It seems though I look exactly like my HS picture to myself, I am "angular" to others. Many compliments, all fleeting and probably false. I guess being skinny is never a bad thing from a HS perspective. My god what a bunch of short mother-fuckers. I was average height...there must be something in the water out there that keeps people from growing.
The same people cliqued as always.
Tina...you're one of them. I don't get it, but you're just...one of them. They all look, talk, and seem like you. I think that's why I never am comfortable around you - you're one of them, I'm one of those. I can't imagine how that could matter now, but it does. How bizarre. You must be a popular mainstream hick chick.
It's like I'm wired this way. I'm one of those, one of which I don't know but one of those. I guess I'm more comfortable here, but I'm just surprised. The popular kids were still doing well, still very adept socially, still physically together and generally attractive, financially successful. It seems middle-school and HS popularity is some wired trait that means success later in life as well. All the rumors about losers becoming winners and winners becoming losers is a load. Bank on momentum over irony.
It never ends. It changes, but not by much.
I understand too - it's ok. I didn't want to talk to people I didn't know, they talked about the two girls that died - one by flat-out suicide in college, the other died of a eating disorder - she purged herself to death. I didn't know her, I didn't do spring-break with them...I mean why would we talk now?
I talked mostly to Jen. She reminded me of the gang, porn, booz, and all the pot...much to my JOY most of my stoner friends are doing great! It seems everyone did ok...thank god for the IT field, but with few exceptions the stoners all made something of themselves. The skinniest kid I ever knew became a huge body-builder, though he is lost to the world now. Everyone spawned but me it seems.
My god...Bob remembered me, and very kindly made fun. I think I wasn't supposed to notice, or I was. He remembered me playing video games, and having chucks, staves, and throwing stars. He talked about that a lot - either I scared him or he was very kind to a major geek at the time. I forgot that I used to carry weapons with me everywhere. I wonder if I can still spin the chucks...god what a loser I was. That's why I am so quick to jump on false bravado today...it still rings familiar.
Nothing changes.
I think my confidence stemmed from checking out everyone's physique and seeing where I was in relation to them. I just always feel better when I am sure I can beat the crap out of most people in a room. In this crowd, I was happy to stay subdued but I was confident I could take most everyone. That was how I measured myself then, and it seems that hasn't changed. The difference now is I feel no need to display. Now that...that's something that makes me a loser.
I drove by Marc's place - even his parents don't live there anymore. I drove from Marc's place to Poseur's and home. It was chronologically correct.
To my left is a painting of a tree that no longer exists.
Maybe I'm a geek because I care...or is it because I don't?
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