(no subject)

[vicarz]

Jesus fucking Christ sounds more meaningful muttered in exasperation than seeing it staring back at you from your own writing.

Today I feel like being dirty at night. I'm not sure what that means. If it means making out with someone similarly mooded in the corner of the dancefloor I'm all about it.

I'm having this issue (not problem) with drinking. I'm not where I should be, not feeling right. I could find what's wrong if I looked but I'm tired of that route. I'd love a cure, but right now all I care about is losing the symptoms. I don't like what I feel so I'm trying to drink until that feeling overcomes me. I know it's bad for me, I know I need to break the cycle, but today is not that day. There isn't even today, there is just right now and I hurt. I know I need to show strength but all I know right now is I need to stop the pain. I can feel something but it's not enough, not yet. Fuck the consequences, I keep drinking and keep not feeling enough, not fast enough. I gulp, eyes close to feel it sliding down my throat. Sipping and swallowing without pause. While I'm drinking I don’t feel the pain - the anticipation, the movement, the acting to soothe...that's it, taking steps to terminate the pain gives me a temporary reprieve from it. Knowing that I'm supposed to be rising above this just makes me need the numbing even more. The music plays and the absence of lyrics doesn't seem strange at all, it helps keep thoughts from invading the intoxication. Damn, now I'm riding on empty, sucking the fumes out of the can. It's about now that I realize I'm looking for a change in mood, and turning to chemicals and wondering why they aren't working.

It sounds so much more dramatic when you don't realize I'm sitting at work drinking diet soda. Office angst!

Comments

[djvampira.livejournal.com]

I get drunk at clubs usually because I get bored. Since I haven't been to one in three months I haven't had a drop.

[faeriemage.livejournal.com]

I know a few social workers you can talk to about this ;)

Sounds like I was studying last night...behaviorists don't care why you are doing something, they are there in order to help you change your behavior...

Honestly, if you want to stop the drinking but not interested in learning the "root", you can always attempt to do something less harmful instead that makes you feel better. What makes you feel better? Every time you feel like you want to drink away any pain or whichever, think of something that you'd rather be doing that's feasible and do it...I emphasize the non-destructive variety. ;)

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Er, the last line was a punch line! I'm at work drinking diet soda! I mean I could have written about latté to the same effect!

Re:

[anarcha.livejournal.com]

I'm the same way with Orbit Chewing gum

I've gotten up to a pack and a half a day. And it's EXPENSIVE gum.

I want to quit, but I think I'd need a substitute for while I'm going through withdrawal. Considering cigarettes as an alternative.

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Now THAT sounds like a healthy alternative! I've been abusing flavored soda water on the side as well - none of the chemical substitutes and all of the bubbles!

Re:

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

So you are not talking about alcohol? I feel stupid.

Thunk.

Re:

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

Great suggestion. I wish that I could think of positive escapes that would numb me. That's what I miss most about drinking.

[Over 120 days sober, I am!]

office angst!

[nixieq.livejournal.com]

It sounds so much more dramatic when you don't realize I'm sitting at work drinking diet soda.

see, it took me a while when i first got to know you to learn to kind of skim past the angst and look for the zinger. you make me giggle. >:)

Re: office angst!

[nixieq.livejournal.com]

oh, and p.s. -- i <3 that new icon!

[mkblack.livejournal.com]

I have a drinking problem too - my tea's too goddamn hot! But I want it so... it's tastes so good that I can't help but sip it and scald my lips and the tip of my tongue. It scorches the back of my throat and causes perspiration to form on my brow. I grimace from the burning pain. But no! just one more sip, one tiny little sip to help push back the urge to gulp it down like a man parched by the Saharan sun. Ah, fuck it... I'll go get some ice.

You're a hoot, Jose! I like the way you write too - I always enjoy reading your LJ entries.

Re:

[lilkender.livejournal.com]

My problem is that I want to warm my hands on my hot tea mug before I drink the tea and the mug cools off... but by the time the mug is the right temperature to not burn my hands, the tea has cooled to a temperature at which I don't want to drink it! I end up keeping my tongue burnt all winter.

So thank goodness I finally got a microwave. It's too hard to re-warm your tea (with sugar, milk, honey, whatever) in the water kettle.

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

You're worrying me. I hope we can talk soon.

Your entire paragraph on you and drinking reminds me wayyyy too much of my own drinking. I am so glad I stopped but y'know I very much miss being able to numb myself. We should talk very soon, though.

Until then -
Lily

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

If I ever needed help or felt really hurt I would not show it to the world, at least I don't think so. It's been years since I felt a deep pain. I'm just tired, burned out, and kinda eh about my grades.

The real issue is the 7 days it's been since i hit the gym. I miss my feeling strong, doing something physically active, and the endorphin buzz.

Re:

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

Okie. {shrug} Just trying to be a friend.

Better go work out. Gotta be in top shape for when I finally get my ass to DC. *wink*

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

I must confess that I, too, have a diet soda addiction. I actually have to pace myself at work by timing the exact moment when I can allow myself to drink one. Right now, I'm fiending, my veins are actually itching, for just one sip of my precious Diet Coke. Alas, I must wait until 3!!!! All this talk means I might not make it til then. I need some serious help here.

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

You can go that long without? That's like 3 or 4 hours!? Are you Catholic by chance? ;)

Re:

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

Are you Catholic by chance? ;)

The guilt, the self-flagellation, the guilt...