(no subject)
Jan. 29th, 2004 08:09 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzJesus fucking Christ sounds more meaningful muttered in exasperation than seeing it staring back at you from your own writing.
Today I feel like being dirty at night. I'm not sure what that means. If it means making out with someone similarly mooded in the corner of the dancefloor I'm all about it.
I'm having this issue (not problem) with drinking. I'm not where I should be, not feeling right. I could find what's wrong if I looked but I'm tired of that route. I'd love a cure, but right now all I care about is losing the symptoms. I don't like what I feel so I'm trying to drink until that feeling overcomes me. I know it's bad for me, I know I need to break the cycle, but today is not that day. There isn't even today, there is just right now and I hurt. I know I need to show strength but all I know right now is I need to stop the pain. I can feel something but it's not enough, not yet. Fuck the consequences, I keep drinking and keep not feeling enough, not fast enough. I gulp, eyes close to feel it sliding down my throat. Sipping and swallowing without pause. While I'm drinking I don’t feel the pain - the anticipation, the movement, the acting to soothe...that's it, taking steps to terminate the pain gives me a temporary reprieve from it. Knowing that I'm supposed to be rising above this just makes me need the numbing even more. The music plays and the absence of lyrics doesn't seem strange at all, it helps keep thoughts from invading the intoxication. Damn, now I'm riding on empty, sucking the fumes out of the can. It's about now that I realize I'm looking for a change in mood, and turning to chemicals and wondering why they aren't working.
It sounds so much more dramatic when you don't realize I'm sitting at work drinking diet soda. Office angst!
Today I feel like being dirty at night. I'm not sure what that means. If it means making out with someone similarly mooded in the corner of the dancefloor I'm all about it.
I'm having this issue (not problem) with drinking. I'm not where I should be, not feeling right. I could find what's wrong if I looked but I'm tired of that route. I'd love a cure, but right now all I care about is losing the symptoms. I don't like what I feel so I'm trying to drink until that feeling overcomes me. I know it's bad for me, I know I need to break the cycle, but today is not that day. There isn't even today, there is just right now and I hurt. I know I need to show strength but all I know right now is I need to stop the pain. I can feel something but it's not enough, not yet. Fuck the consequences, I keep drinking and keep not feeling enough, not fast enough. I gulp, eyes close to feel it sliding down my throat. Sipping and swallowing without pause. While I'm drinking I don’t feel the pain - the anticipation, the movement, the acting to soothe...that's it, taking steps to terminate the pain gives me a temporary reprieve from it. Knowing that I'm supposed to be rising above this just makes me need the numbing even more. The music plays and the absence of lyrics doesn't seem strange at all, it helps keep thoughts from invading the intoxication. Damn, now I'm riding on empty, sucking the fumes out of the can. It's about now that I realize I'm looking for a change in mood, and turning to chemicals and wondering why they aren't working.
It sounds so much more dramatic when you don't realize I'm sitting at work drinking diet soda. Office angst!
