(no subject)

[vicarz]

This morning I comfortably sat and drank too much coffee while reading the economist, sitting next to/with a mother and grandparents who switched comfortably from english to german. They called their daughter and showed my favorite parenting skills - in their post-coffee and breakfast conversation mom said she hoped she wasn't waking her; checked if it was "ok" to bring anything - all comments showing support but granting autonomy to the young adult.

I miss that romantic thought that things might be markedly different somewhere else. People are not wholly products of their environment, except that we all are in any period of scarcity. We're all assholes and murderers when we're hungry.

I like the feeling of being around people, but I think I've resigned to my fate of not having a group of close frequently-interacting friends. I'm more comfortable "writing off" people I want to be friends with that don't seem to reciprocate. I'm less obligated myself to reciprocate when I'm the wanted friend. My comfort is higher, related largely to confidence. After all the years of pain of searching, it seems my personal answer wasn't friends or a lover, but doing something productive for years. It was overcoming graduate school(s), then working a job for years until I was good at it. It was boxing until I was ok at it, running until I was decent at it, and now lifting weights. The thing I learned was how to apply myself to something, followed by how that makes me feel. Comfortable.

I miss the romance of hope, but not the pain that spawned it. I do not miss pain.

I may fade from livejournal, not to move to fb or even google, but from writing for a non-existent audience. I haven't found friends through media nor maintained existing friendships - not for years. I also no longer confuse my feelings of wanting to communicate my coffee-fueled thoughts with any degree of importance. Not being 20 anymore, I don't confuse the intensity of my emotions with the import of recording or sharing my thoughts. I am not important. My thoughts are not important. I'm not sad that nobody cares, and I don't care like I used to. I'd still like those same things and still feel that way, only less so and with far more experience with those feelings. I will continue to write as I feel like it, and it is silly to predict or declare intentions to write or not to - but here I am discussing the concept anyway.

Comments

[vicar.livejournal.com]

No, I think most people are just fine - I even like them, I just don't always enjoy being with them. Even if I enjoy people, then I return to wanting my own time alone even after fun.

I think if you think of others as not-better-enough, or lacking, or second class citizens by iq or behavior would leave me lonely. My standards I suggest to others - you may or may not want to spend time with someone, but in terms of value everyone who isn't causing damage or pain is 100% ok with me.

[end-fate.livejournal.com]

it's a little more complicated than just a high iq... it's unsettling to me if someone is unable to understand or even appreciate why i work hard. hard work is something that is ME, and people devaluing it bothers me. most people live easy lives and try to take the easy ways to what they consider success, and find that the easiest thing they ever did was fail. it is really infuriating to me when people try to tell me to be like them-- easy, carefree, stoically unemployed with no forseeable future. my family is like that and i hate them. that makes it easier to turn to feelings of disdain for others.

in my personal experience, only uneducated people have caused me the most harm via molestation, disregard, bullying, etc.

it sucks being this way.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It's horrible to have happened, and I'm full of some of that type of resentment myself - but there is a point where I have to move on and succeed despite it. It's horrible that you were hurt, but don't you also hurt you or push away other people who might not suck (do push away and learn to spot sucking though).

I'm not very sympathetic to people who don't appreciate the value inherent to and rewards from hard work. However, the relationship between, success, and even happiness is not linear in my limited experience.