(no subject)

[vicarz]

This morning I comfortably sat and drank too much coffee while reading the economist, sitting next to/with a mother and grandparents who switched comfortably from english to german. They called their daughter and showed my favorite parenting skills - in their post-coffee and breakfast conversation mom said she hoped she wasn't waking her; checked if it was "ok" to bring anything - all comments showing support but granting autonomy to the young adult.

I miss that romantic thought that things might be markedly different somewhere else. People are not wholly products of their environment, except that we all are in any period of scarcity. We're all assholes and murderers when we're hungry.

I like the feeling of being around people, but I think I've resigned to my fate of not having a group of close frequently-interacting friends. I'm more comfortable "writing off" people I want to be friends with that don't seem to reciprocate. I'm less obligated myself to reciprocate when I'm the wanted friend. My comfort is higher, related largely to confidence. After all the years of pain of searching, it seems my personal answer wasn't friends or a lover, but doing something productive for years. It was overcoming graduate school(s), then working a job for years until I was good at it. It was boxing until I was ok at it, running until I was decent at it, and now lifting weights. The thing I learned was how to apply myself to something, followed by how that makes me feel. Comfortable.

I miss the romance of hope, but not the pain that spawned it. I do not miss pain.

I may fade from livejournal, not to move to fb or even google, but from writing for a non-existent audience. I haven't found friends through media nor maintained existing friendships - not for years. I also no longer confuse my feelings of wanting to communicate my coffee-fueled thoughts with any degree of importance. Not being 20 anymore, I don't confuse the intensity of my emotions with the import of recording or sharing my thoughts. I am not important. My thoughts are not important. I'm not sad that nobody cares, and I don't care like I used to. I'd still like those same things and still feel that way, only less so and with far more experience with those feelings. I will continue to write as I feel like it, and it is silly to predict or declare intentions to write or not to - but here I am discussing the concept anyway.

Comments

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

it is a call for attention, that's all, rather than your last logical debate outside your head over whether to drop this line of potential communication. As you know you have an audience, be honest with yourself and ask whether it is the decline in that audience that bothers you, or if your thought is more that this represents only a limited attempt to socialize. You honestly seem to vacillate between wanting to be social and wishing to be a full-on misanthrope, but to what end?

And really -- yes, you are now nearing "middle age" but so the fuck what? What was in that coffee?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I've had my 20s like 8 times...with many felonies mixed in. I've _earned_ middle, but I don't quite feel that yet. I have hair and it isn't white.

No, my audience is far smaller than it was and dwindling, quite seriously. I'm not moving to fb or google+ - I look but it doesn't work for me. No outpouring of "no don't go" is expected or would really influence me much. I do vacillate, but I'm not trying to hide that or pretend it makes sense. To what end? There is no purpose, it's just what is happening and I'm practically in the 3rd person observing - knowing the answer doesn't matter. This is a good thing.

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

fair enough -- and, of course, I will always defend the first use of LJ *is* as a *journal* so working through our thoughts and conflicts by writing them is always valid. I've seen the same decline, but I used a written journal in the 80s and 90s, and for the past 8 years it has been here. I do edit myself -- mainly because I don't trust anything on line to remain entirely secure forever, but I do like how I can export it all, and when I need them, that I can ask for input and engage in a wider conversation.

A for white -- well -- if I so chose I could fix that, but the cost goes up for maintenance unless I shave the shit...and I don't see bald as good for everyone. Age is also, as you suggest, a state of mind.

[end-fate.livejournal.com]

it's difficult to connect with people who don't want to be connected with.

i think we share the same problem socially by being the wanted friend, feeling no need to reciprocate most of the time. do you ever wish they were better people? i do. i can't help thinking they should be better to be my friend. i'm not ready to give up yet, though, because i'm still a stupid girl with a romantic hope that dale carnegie will do me well.

funny about that productivity thing you mentioned is i feel the same way. I feel better getting perfect scores in school than being called by a friend-thing to do something social. productivity is my best friend.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

No, I think most people are just fine - I even like them, I just don't always enjoy being with them. Even if I enjoy people, then I return to wanting my own time alone even after fun.

I think if you think of others as not-better-enough, or lacking, or second class citizens by iq or behavior would leave me lonely. My standards I suggest to others - you may or may not want to spend time with someone, but in terms of value everyone who isn't causing damage or pain is 100% ok with me.

[end-fate.livejournal.com]

it's a little more complicated than just a high iq... it's unsettling to me if someone is unable to understand or even appreciate why i work hard. hard work is something that is ME, and people devaluing it bothers me. most people live easy lives and try to take the easy ways to what they consider success, and find that the easiest thing they ever did was fail. it is really infuriating to me when people try to tell me to be like them-- easy, carefree, stoically unemployed with no forseeable future. my family is like that and i hate them. that makes it easier to turn to feelings of disdain for others.

in my personal experience, only uneducated people have caused me the most harm via molestation, disregard, bullying, etc.

it sucks being this way.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It's horrible to have happened, and I'm full of some of that type of resentment myself - but there is a point where I have to move on and succeed despite it. It's horrible that you were hurt, but don't you also hurt you or push away other people who might not suck (do push away and learn to spot sucking though).

I'm not very sympathetic to people who don't appreciate the value inherent to and rewards from hard work. However, the relationship between, success, and even happiness is not linear in my limited experience.