(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm horribly broken or not. I have a lot of feeling and no substance. I I I

I decided not to get drunk for no reason last night, then got up this morning on a mission to get drunk on coffee. I've had 2 cups and a mocha but I still just want to go back to bed and nap.

Last night I told Janna I was full of wanting to hang out with people but not wanting to hang out with anyone in particular nor leave the house. I used to spend tons of time alone, then hit the club and had some good feeling there. I wasn't happy then either - I went from being insecure to confident in my uh...freakness, but then I tired of the fact what I had was something anyone who grew hair and put on the outfit could have. It wasn't me they liked - it was the look, the things I would do, and it was all empty. I could be replaced - sure you wanted me, but you'd want any twit that shopped for the wall-outfits of hot topic and would put out. Some identity.

I think now I don't want the bar scene so much as the coffee scene. Coffee is less shallow - you have to be able to muddle your way through a conversation, issues, subjects, genuine social interaction under a weaker influencing beverage and far more scrutiny under genuine light. I think a coffee house could totally work - not as obvious as the app that tells everyone where you are (so they can look you up, but you're not actually soliciting human interaction with anyone in particular) but while you're non-committal about anyone in particular you can still actually engage in who you see face to face. You can bring your own people or ... I guess nobody meets anyone in a coffee place but they could conceivably coincidentally meet someone they knew. I'd really like to be a regular and know more people there...like the roxy was, only by day.

Oh I have the crazies hard-core today. Hard fucking core.

Huge emotions, none that stand up to analysis - they're just there. I ... I wonder if it's good or bad. I refuse to consider things like therapy or worse, drugs to alter my mood - yet my moods are very controlled by drugs - though the drugs I use only influence what's there - they don't really make it. Pills can make you happy, but my liquids only amplify - booze can lead to mad, sad, happy...all of those, and where I am affects where I go. No prozakky happy for me. Why? What's the difference really? I think...I think I take drugs to see where the feelings are only then to see why they are there and if they make sense. I want the feelings, but I also want to be me
no matter how fucked up that me is.

Comments

[http://users.livejournal.com/_blackjack_/]

Antidepressants don't make you happy. At best, they make you ABLE to be happy.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Huh, hadn't known or thought of it that way. Huh.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_blackjack_/]

I mean, it's not like I'm a ray of frickin' sunshine or anything. For the most part what my ADs do is render me able to get out of bed in the morning. Or afternoon, anyway. I've still got a normal range of emotions and am just as capable of being a stroppy bastard as I ever was. The difference is that the switch is less likely to get jammed in the "DOOOOOOOM!" setting for no good reason.

Individual mileage varies, of course, and the wrong meds for a particular person can certainly just throw the switch out of whack in a different position. (This is why treating bipolar people is so tricky: they tend to go shooting off in the other direction...) But generally speaking, antidepressants aren't going to somehow further improve someone who is already healthy. They'll just make them sweaty and tired and unable to have orgasms.

[bentrazor.livejournal.com]

+1

[have-inner-lady.livejournal.com]

That's a lot of whoa. I hope you find your pub-replacing coffee bar and enjoy the fuckedupedness and authenticity every day. Because there it is, say yay or boo.

[shrugs]

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Emotions are weird when there isn't a readily available reason for them. I'm kinda used to it - helps me write, work, stuff like that.

[bentrazor.livejournal.com]

I try not to be a born again about meds or nothin, but they've done me a world of good. I used to struggle with the same queer concept of "I don't want to lose myself". While an understandable concern after hearing the horror stories of prozac zombies and what forth, it got to the point where it was like "Well being 'me' hasn't really gotten me anywhere, so let's give this a shot"

In the end it didn't really change who I am, if anything, it made me a more efficient me, now being able to operate without everything triggering fear responses and Vista style "This person is trying to talk to you, POSSIBLE TROJAN, Do you wish to continue?" shit popping up (yes, I made that analogy and i'm sticking with it.)

I guess for me it was important to divine what fell under 'personality trait' and what fell under 'broken brain'.

I dunno, maybe that doesn't help, but at least I can make eye contact with people now (kinda). But i digress.

I find I don't much care for drinking these days either. Whenever I drink I feel a bit like an angry embarrassment.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Bwa! I like the vista comparison, nice touch.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

I want the feelings, but I also want to be me
no matter how fucked up that me is.

You're no more fucked up than a lot of us, and you're better than most at expressing yourself, so you win IMHO. And I agree with your desire to be and feel what is there as opposed to medicating with things that change the underlying personality.