vicarz | (no subject)

Advice for you from my experience:
Look at what you do and try to understand WHY. What NEED are you attempting to satisfy with the act, and when you think about it logically, is that need likely to be served by your act? If the need is fulfilled, long-term or short term? At what cost to yourself and others, short and long term?

In my case, two inappropriately big needs are affirmation and power. Power is why I just came from the gun range again - somewhere in my mind I'm fooled into thinking being able to have access to simple lethal force gives me more power - some need is satisfied. I think that's why fake kung-fu dancers bug me so much - I'm not that terribly different. I know I'm not dangerous and can't fight my way out of a paper bag but it may or may not be obvious to a stranger. Seeing strangers act tough when they're obviously not drives me batty. It shouldn't - it's not by business that they engage in fantasy to feel better. Perhaps in that fantasy they will fulfill their need and get better.

I'm a coward. When an actual conflict happens, even when I'm not scared per se, I freeze up. I can't do 50% or more of what I can do "sober." For fun I shoot after 3 cups or more of coffee - simulating the effect of confrontation as I feel it in realistic situations. The final result is another hundreds bucks wasted and shopping in trader joe's while smelling like gunpowder. Idiotic. But as I drive home and people are assholes in traffic, I don't mind. They don't get under my skin, and I don't think of getting out of my car to correct anyone's behavior. Shooting guns has made me more confident. THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH TO EVEN START DOWN THE ROAD OF CONFLICT (this comes up again below).

Why do I lift weights? Power. It feels good, power over myself, power over others (an increase in strength rank). It's silly - whatever I can do, combat is horribly unhealthy physically, emotionally, and financially for everybody regardless of who "wins." I like to have power, but not use it. I try to be nice - but I want to have the ability to control in the end. So there are healthy ways to feed that need, but a strong need for controlling urges. Perhaps I shouldn't put guns in the liquor cabinet?

CHEATING
I've had this thought brewing in my mind for a long time, but it seems trite every time I try to express it publicly. I keep feeling like I learned this special lesson about cheating, but when I look back I knew this lesson - The road to cheating is lined with affirmation.

Before cheating there is simple appropriate affirmation. Everybody gets it - most of the time, most people, get it without negative consequences. There is a line - everyone's line is different, but you can get affirmation "legally" up to that line. You don't die when you get into a relationship, you will get annoyed with your mate, and you will feel attraction to others. How do you express that need? A tight top? Walk around in public dragged by your partner on a leash? A cute wink? The problem is that you can get a lot of affirmation long before cheating, but the more affirmation you get the more you want. After one drink, you want another.

That's a war, a war with yourself and yourself in the future. Right now this feels good, and if I have more it will feel better. However, I'll feel like shit in the morning, and I could really hurt someone else. But god do I want another ten drinks right now. I want to feel that sweet burn and the tingly that follows, that blots out all those thoughts and feels so comfortable. But it would hurt tomorrow. And the battle rages on. Me now vs. me later.

We start here:
<---------- O ---------------------| ----------> where O is where you are, and | is cheating

You can go up to that line, but not over. So at first you're happy here, the partner knows about it and is fine with it, but then you feel this need for more. The same old stuff isn't thrilling, so you up the ante a little.

<-----------------------O---------| ---------->

You're still within bounds, it's all good...not so sure the partner knows about all this...and you know where this is going...

My need for affirmation is larger than most, and self-control is not my strong point. So for me, I've been way too close to my line or the lines of others. NOT RECENTLY - NOT IN YEARS. Somehow I knew that I was supposed to pull back earlier, but I, inappropriately, got really close to that line - then when the line was crossed I acted surprised "How the fuck did I get here?" and worst of all, just tried to go back over the line. Dumb, selfish as hell, and incredibly dumb. Was I really fooling myself? If I was so tormented and felt so guilty, why did I keep getting so close to that line? My need was larger than my self control - or I just didn't understand that line.

So, I'm hungry, selfish, and stupid. That's ok - I can work with that. So, my line is where it was, however, I'm not allowed anywhere near that fucking line. No, there is no need to express, no affirmation to be sought, no standing so close you can smell it. My line is the same as yours, but being a hungry selfish moron, I need to keep my lines in the sand way back before any inappropriate shit is even imaginable. And I have to be real fucking careful about what is called inappropriate - I'm a sensitive emotional little poof, so my consequences tend to be larger than uh...normal, or healthy people. Distance is maintained, feelings are not expressed nor allowed to linger, and everyone is better off.

It seems so fucking obvious - probably is to you, but for me it feels like a new discovery.
<----O---------------------------| ---------->

I don't want to act dignified - I mean I do, but I don't really want to hold my cards close to my chest. I want to tell my damn story, express my feelings, and receive affirmation. I guess it's a balance - there are feelings I don't express, even to my confidants. Some stakes are too high. There are some feelings I don't hide, no matter how embarrassing they are. I make a fool of myself here in writing, often, but I feel so shitty holding stuff in that I think even making a fool of myself here that I'm better off than when I fake maturity.