(no subject)

[vicarz]

I think I just learned something really unpleasant about myself - and I figure why not blast it all over the internet for all the world to see...

I can't help but dwell on the negative. Seriously. I had some petty ass crap on my mind, that while I intellectually knew better, I couldn't stop thinking about. I was the monk that hadn't put the woman down at the end of the puddle. I kept bending and twisting stuff so it was as horrible as it felt. I still replay hospital scenes and ones that I wish happened but didn't. Very negative.

Since that unhappy rodent incident it's all I can think about. I keep seeing them over and over. I keep rethinking what I did, am still doing, and would I could do. I can't stop...well when I realize I'm doing it I stop, but my mind returns there over and over. I mean it was 3 something in the morning and the whole horrid scene was about 6" from my eyeball...but why do I keep replaying it? Yay I got the petty stuff out of heavy rotation...only to replace it with hurt rodents.

I've identified a problem - probably a breakthrough, but how the hell do I shake out of it? I think of other things and logically note I don't need to replay it over and over when I catch myself doing it, but without constant control it's where my mind returns. Maybe there aren't really rats in my house...they're in...my head. Rats, in my head, in my head, in my head...there's a hole in the sky...

I'm in some serious poo poo at work. I settled a case to return someone to his job, but didn't check to see if his job was still vacant...it aint. Nothing in the area. Ho sheit.

Comments

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

hey, i know this can be a pretty unpopular view but have you considered (or have you/are you already on) drugs? Seriously, i cannot stress enough how much getting on an anti-dperessant (which is also an anti-anxiety) medication has helped me with my problems, among which were racing, obsessive thoughts. I'm on Lexapro and seriously it has been a godsend.

i was really reluctant to go on an anti-depressant because i had heard so many horror stories, and also i felt like it was somehow "giving up", and i think more significantly it was an admission of genetic inferiority! lol. But you know, so be it, it's better than not being able to do the things you want to do or enjoy yourself or ever be alone for five minutes without being hounded by unpleasant thoughts.

Some things you just can't control, no matter how hard you try

But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I seem to be functional so I'm a bigger fan of turning problems into strengths - i.e. ADHD is just more energy for me.

I do use drugs to medicate myself: stoli, absolut, skyy...

Re: But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, i hear you...i think in the end it boils down to: "just what am i willing to put up with?"

i agree about the problem/strength thing; in fact it's one of my credos and i used to use that one a lot when job-interviewing.

to me, a trait is just that, and it's contextual whether or not it's considered good or bad. ultimately the trait is either "effective" or "ineffective" depending on the goal.

For me, my intensity and my "abilities' in the areas of analysis, idea-generating, etc became "disabilities" because as you say above you are "functional", and i was not. these things were interfering with my life in a pretty major way, or at least the life and the roles i had chosen.


(((although i have to question how this "trait" you have of obsessive, unbidden thought patterns is contributing to your life, or could be turned into a strength. And also, jsut a philisopical idea to chew on: you may feel "fine" now, but if you've never been to "great" you may think this is as good as it gets. it's hard to imagine the unknown...how do you describe the color blue to a blind person?

for some reason we get defensive about drugs, i think because it raises so many questions of "who am i *really?*. am "i" just a collection of checmicals and their reactions? at least that's where i go...the existential place, a place with no answers, just terrifying questions...(or at least i did when i was pre-meds! lol)

but we don't get defensive about other stuff,(well actually that's not true for some people) like if you take the same scenario and apply it to something else. Hey, there's this great restaurant i've heard about, they're cheap and delicious. some people don't like them but i want to try it, want to come? or more topically "hey i heard that there is this really easy method of getting rid of obsessive thoughts, it involves just saying this mantra once in the morning. no one knows why it works, but it works"...would people be as reluctant to do a mind-trick as they often are to try a chemical trick?)))

That's pretty much when i had to say "enough": when my traits were no longer something i felt i had control over, or represented my intellecual reality (i.e. i was becoming irrational...the amount of time and energy i was spending on non-contributory thought patterns was getting really high, and my *behavior* was no longer reflecting my *beliefs*)

ADHD, go figure ;-). yeah i'm on meds for that, too. also a godsend. From all of the reading i hve done on ADHD i'm very intrigued with how multi-spectrum the manifestations of this can be (obviously with some core characteristics) especially among women/girls, who are sort of "underdiagnosed" a lot because the "H" part can manifest less in girls, this being less of an annoyance to parents and teachers. And again, i don't really consider ADD/ADHD a disorder, more of a collection of traits (see the book "the edison trait) which can be helpful or hindering.

ok, on that note my adderall has kicked in pretty well now and i am gonna go do some "supposed to be doing" stuff.

:)

Re: But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Good points. I am all about chemicals, but far prefer recreational use and their use when a chemical imbalance can be measured. If a rat turns left in the maze, and we want him to go right - do we train him to go right or just give him a pill that makes him go left?

I would never say a mantra every morning. Remember those old SNL skits of Mr. Affirmation? Eep. But I'm supposed to be a boy or something, you know, that USian stoic = strength philosophy.

I seem to be happy much of the time and doing well in other aspects of my life so it doesn't appear to be in the realm of needing treatment.

Re: But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

lol i hear you, ebermench ;-)

Re: But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

typo: ubermench

Re: But seriously, thanks you for the advice

[vicar.livejournal.com]

(they made it so you can edit if you're logged in now, at least until someone comments) (bout time...I do typos like mad, and I kant spel too boote)