(no subject)

[vicarz]

I think I just learned something really unpleasant about myself - and I figure why not blast it all over the internet for all the world to see...

I can't help but dwell on the negative. Seriously. I had some petty ass crap on my mind, that while I intellectually knew better, I couldn't stop thinking about. I was the monk that hadn't put the woman down at the end of the puddle. I kept bending and twisting stuff so it was as horrible as it felt. I still replay hospital scenes and ones that I wish happened but didn't. Very negative.

Since that unhappy rodent incident it's all I can think about. I keep seeing them over and over. I keep rethinking what I did, am still doing, and would I could do. I can't stop...well when I realize I'm doing it I stop, but my mind returns there over and over. I mean it was 3 something in the morning and the whole horrid scene was about 6" from my eyeball...but why do I keep replaying it? Yay I got the petty stuff out of heavy rotation...only to replace it with hurt rodents.

I've identified a problem - probably a breakthrough, but how the hell do I shake out of it? I think of other things and logically note I don't need to replay it over and over when I catch myself doing it, but without constant control it's where my mind returns. Maybe there aren't really rats in my house...they're in...my head. Rats, in my head, in my head, in my head...there's a hole in the sky...

I'm in some serious poo poo at work. I settled a case to return someone to his job, but didn't check to see if his job was still vacant...it aint. Nothing in the area. Ho sheit.

Comments

[predigested.livejournal.com]

I think that fits.

I listened to a radio show once about a fat man who tried to lose weight, but couldn't find the way. He would try and fail. One day he thought, "Hey, I got fat without thinking about it, so maybe I can lose all this weight without thinking about it. Thinking about it isn't working, it's just agonizing me..."

So, he mounted his office telephone to his treadmill (I guess he worked from home), and began to walk at 1-2MPH during every phone call. Later, he arranged his computer and other essential business equipment on the treadmill, and began walking all workday. Now he's normal weight again, he says, and no one knows he's walking when he talks to them on the phone. If anything, the walking made him sound a little more upbeat.