Fight the full justify tyranny

[vicarz]

Affirmation - I mock others who go too far down the wrong path to affirmation, for instance - having a flashy car because of how strangers on the road react to it. I like my affirmation muchly, and I think that's a lot of why I'm nuts in the gym. I think I might be a bit nuts to the point where my gym stuff isolates me more than it helps me achieve goals that really matter in my life. I've never been so fit physically, but how has that helped my social life? How happy does it make me? My confidence is higher than it's ever been, I enjoy working out, working out gets me high on endorphins, and I'm proud of what I do in the gym far more than silly shit like law school - but still I often motivate based on social things, how good my abs look (right now shitty thank you, the TN trip netted me ANOTHER 2 lbs), how my muscles get attention...but I work out alone. That's a lot of trips and time alone. I've almost never met anyone in the gym or made friends there. I've never dated someone I met in the gym or even dated anyone very athletic. Rarely have I worked out with friends, and that doesn't seem to lead to any kind of pattern.

Last night I talked to a friend and it was only his facial expressions that stopped me from rambling on literally for hours about my latest gym discoveries. I'm completely obsessed with program changes, my changes, and different gym notes...boring! I'm not sure I could listen to someone who talked about the things I really want to talk about! Even suspecting that, I really really really wanna talk about gym stuff. Thank cheese for LJ where you can skim or skip if bored. I don't read your posts about BSG.

Ever seen a muscular tattooed long-haired redneck guy do something in front of a group of girls to try and impress them, and unintentionally make them crack up? How about when the guy doesn't even know he made a fool of himself? That might be me. I think I've missed it...somehow I've gone astray, not that different than a fetishist. Instead of wanting to beat off with high-heels when the original goal was sex, I've decided to make myself into a hyper-fit guy with the goals of sex or affirmation (and/or fighting) and put so much effort into it that the activity itself has taken over. On a good day, I should recognize the original goal - hell on a good day I should outgrow needs like sex and affirmation. Not only have I lost sight of the goal, but the activity itself may well be frustrating the possibility of achieving the goal.

I like where I am in life, only I should have been here 15 years ago. I'd be very happy with myself as a 25 year old with these accomplishments and progress. As nearly 40, I'm slightly ashamed.

Mouses - so I've had this horrible rustling many nights above my apt, and was worried squirrels had gotten in. Well, the place they were most likely to get in was ruled out, but the scratching continued. I checked up there again and thought I saw those giant roach poops, so while I didn't want to kill anything - I put a glue board up there and put it under a low "ceiling" made by a vent figuring if I was wrong about squirrels, it was large enough not to get caught or big enough I could save it from the trap if need be. Yesterday when I was waiting for a friend to stop by for food, I heard a distinct rustling. I broke out the ladder and stuck my head up to find myself eye to eye with a poor mouse. He had managed to get his or her entire body smacked on the glue trap from end to end. It struggled valiantly as I was so close, but was very stuck. I knew at a glance it had to die - the only thing I could do then was affect the timing. I got a bag and some gloves (his mouth was still free) and went to fetch it. It struggled so much it appeared to be tearing its own skin as it gained some minor ground against the trap (and in so doing, securing its only formerly free limb into the glue). The damn trap was now stuck under a metal bar, but I freed it and put it in a bag quickly, washed my hands, and put that bag in another. I took both outside and went to the dumpster, where I made sure I knew where is head was in the bag and killed him as quickly and mercifully as I knew how before throwing the whole thing in the dumpster. Then I went out for food as planned. One thing I learned about myself when times were bleak - I haven't yet encountered the emotional pain that prevented me from being hungry. Poor mousseses.

Went to bed last night around 10 - woke up at 12:30 to the sound of scratching again. Seems it was not alone. I've requested our exterminator service to come out and deal with it - but with entry prevention and live traps, no lethal traps.

Comments

[transentient.livejournal.com]

Or you could have gotten really deep into an internal martial art and wound up with all of these friends who you have nothing else in common with off the mat, but you spend so much time with them that you feel somewhat distant from your other friends. :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Or that too...hey at least you wound up committed with a fabuous and loyal chicky!

[cristiex.livejournal.com]

Glue traps are so cruel. At least with the old snap traps, death came more quickly. Poor mices are just trying to get warm. Good call on the exterminator.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I don't mind glue-killing those vile roaches, but I did not want to stick this poor lil rodent. I'm afraid I do judge animals by their intelligence (mammal > bug) and cuteness. I don't eat lamb.

[cristiex.livejournal.com]

All bugs die in my house. We get monstrous spiders here, hence our quarterly contract with the exterminator to treat the place. Two cats = no mice in the house. But if there were mice and the cats didn't get them, I'd catch them and toss them out rather than killing them. They can go live in the neighbors house.

lamb is gross.

[transentient.livejournal.com]

Yeah but then when they get warm, they make like 100000000 copies of themselves.

[cristiex.livejournal.com]

I've always had cats and no micey problems, so no micey breeding problems. The babies are so cute though!

[transentient.livejournal.com]

I've got a cat who is a very good mouser. But still they come. They are smart enough to avoid the traps, but stupid enough to try to make a nest in a cat-smelling house.

[greekphilosophy.livejournal.com]

So omg, in BSG this season, I hear that the Cylons....

Sorry, just had to bring that into your domain, since you said that you avoided it otherwise. ;)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Actually I wanted to watch it, but had no time during law school. Now I hear it's a big soap opera, so my interest has waned.

Plus, like a hottie I know I can have, it's no longer attractive since it is available and my whim.

[wikkidgothbabe.livejournal.com]

i've only used glue traps once... that was it for me too, after the poor thing got totally stuck (even its mouth) and yet i could hear it SCREAMING all the way across the house.
i cried...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I don't blame you! Mine only scritched - no mouth noises. It was merciful to me I guess.

[sparklypoof.livejournal.com]

omg, I cant stand those glue traps. did you read about how upset I got when a lil' mouse got stuck on one in our kitchen back in november?? omg, SO UPSET.

now we have a riddex thingie plugged into the wall, and that plus sealing up the holes behind the laundry machines and oven w/steel wool has resulted in no more mouses since that last horribly stuck one.
--------------------------------
sunday sunday sunday!! 'll talk gym talk w/you.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I not only thought about you, but told my friend about your experience when I had to do my trip to the dumpster. I wasn't very upset, but I did feel bad. Worse for it than for me. I talked to it a lot :(

I mainly want to find how they get and put a stop to that part, of course, but I'm really trying for non-leathal traps.

[sparklypoof.livejournal.com]

yeah, figuring out how they get in can be tricky though - esp since they can squish themselves pretty small to get in lil' cracks/holes where you wouldn't think they could. and if they're in the ceiling, then lordsy knows where they've come in at that point.

seriously, look into getting a riddex. it's worked for 2 months for us, no mousies in sight. it sends a frequency out electronically that the mice don't like, so they dont come around.

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Mouse BOX :E

grrrrrr... no kill mouses. they are only looking for foods :(

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I thought it was a bug, or maybe a squirrel and I hoped he was too big to be smooshed where the thingy was. No mean to kill mouseses. I do want them not looking for foods and eating things and peeing and pooing and scritching and scratching and bringing their parasites in my ever humble abode.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I have Titus to keep the mice out, but it's the ants and roaches that I'd like to go away. The spiders seem to have got somewhere else right now.

It's really nice that you didn't want to kill the mouse. I'm a little surprised, but glad especially since I came close to crying when I read about the poor mouse.

As for you not suceeding fast enough just be glad you succeeded. Many people will not make it anywhere near where you have.

[virgogirl.livejournal.com]

hey PLEASE don't do the whole "i should have been here 15 years ago/i'm ashamed of what i have accomplished" thing! after all, i am 37 and K is 38
:(, what does that make us? ;-)

But no, seriously not to make this about me, you might want to psycoanalyze where you might be getting this attitude of not feeling good enough. a lot of times it's because someone in your life early on either made you feel worthless, or made you feel like you had to perform to a certain level in order to gain their love and acceptance. might ahve something to do with the gym thing, as well...and also there is some intersting stuff you have talked about here surrounding food issues.

here i got with my amateur psycology hour, that will be $100, thanks!

by the way, it was really great to see you today. k mentioned that we should hang out and just talk some, coincidentally reflecting what you were saying along those lines as you were heading off. What times are good for you during the week?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

It's actually more annoying than that - I feel like I have worth, but I don't expect anyone to recognize that worth. It's like high self-esteem, low social esteem if there is such a thing? Or just chalk it up to experience.

5¢ for you Ms. Lucy :p

I'm totally getting a tattoo to fit in - only mine is going to be in huge letters on my arm that says "Please like me" It'll r0x04

My week is kinda mooshed right now until Thur, but I have nothing planned for Thur or Fri evening. Wanna do something then?