vicarz | Fight the full justify tyranny (Reply)

Affirmation - I mock others who go too far down the wrong path to affirmation, for instance - having a flashy car because of how strangers on the road react to it. I like my affirmation muchly, and I think that's a lot of why I'm nuts in the gym. I think I might be a bit nuts to the point where my gym stuff isolates me more than it helps me achieve goals that really matter in my life. I've never been so fit physically, but how has that helped my social life? How happy does it make me? My confidence is higher than it's ever been, I enjoy working out, working out gets me high on endorphins, and I'm proud of what I do in the gym far more than silly shit like law school - but still I often motivate based on social things, how good my abs look (right now shitty thank you, the TN trip netted me ANOTHER 2 lbs), how my muscles get attention...but I work out alone. That's a lot of trips and time alone. I've almost never met anyone in the gym or made friends there. I've never dated someone I met in the gym or even dated anyone very athletic. Rarely have I worked out with friends, and that doesn't seem to lead to any kind of pattern.

Last night I talked to a friend and it was only his facial expressions that stopped me from rambling on literally for hours about my latest gym discoveries. I'm completely obsessed with program changes, my changes, and different gym notes...boring! I'm not sure I could listen to someone who talked about the things I really want to talk about! Even suspecting that, I really really really wanna talk about gym stuff. Thank cheese for LJ where you can skim or skip if bored. I don't read your posts about BSG.

Ever seen a muscular tattooed long-haired redneck guy do something in front of a group of girls to try and impress them, and unintentionally make them crack up? How about when the guy doesn't even know he made a fool of himself? That might be me. I think I've missed it...somehow I've gone astray, not that different than a fetishist. Instead of wanting to beat off with high-heels when the original goal was sex, I've decided to make myself into a hyper-fit guy with the goals of sex or affirmation (and/or fighting) and put so much effort into it that the activity itself has taken over. On a good day, I should recognize the original goal - hell on a good day I should outgrow needs like sex and affirmation. Not only have I lost sight of the goal, but the activity itself may well be frustrating the possibility of achieving the goal.

I like where I am in life, only I should have been here 15 years ago. I'd be very happy with myself as a 25 year old with these accomplishments and progress. As nearly 40, I'm slightly ashamed.

Mouses - so I've had this horrible rustling many nights above my apt, and was worried squirrels had gotten in. Well, the place they were most likely to get in was ruled out, but the scratching continued. I checked up there again and thought I saw those giant roach poops, so while I didn't want to kill anything - I put a glue board up there and put it under a low "ceiling" made by a vent figuring if I was wrong about squirrels, it was large enough not to get caught or big enough I could save it from the trap if need be. Yesterday when I was waiting for a friend to stop by for food, I heard a distinct rustling. I broke out the ladder and stuck my head up to find myself eye to eye with a poor mouse. He had managed to get his or her entire body smacked on the glue trap from end to end. It struggled valiantly as I was so close, but was very stuck. I knew at a glance it had to die - the only thing I could do then was affect the timing. I got a bag and some gloves (his mouth was still free) and went to fetch it. It struggled so much it appeared to be tearing its own skin as it gained some minor ground against the trap (and in so doing, securing its only formerly free limb into the glue). The damn trap was now stuck under a metal bar, but I freed it and put it in a bag quickly, washed my hands, and put that bag in another. I took both outside and went to the dumpster, where I made sure I knew where is head was in the bag and killed him as quickly and mercifully as I knew how before throwing the whole thing in the dumpster. Then I went out for food as planned. One thing I learned about myself when times were bleak - I haven't yet encountered the emotional pain that prevented me from being hungry. Poor mousseses.

Went to bed last night around 10 - woke up at 12:30 to the sound of scratching again. Seems it was not alone. I've requested our exterminator service to come out and deal with it - but with entry prevention and live traps, no lethal traps.