(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm tempted to put on a good face or at least be quiet and fake happiness, but I've gone back into a funk. This holiday sucked mighty fucking balls for me, no surprise but I was surprised at how much the holiday bothered me. I used to hate having family obligations - but it turns out the absence of them hurts too. I think I still haven't gotten to a normal life pattern...I'm not even sure what that is. Law school was work, then there was trauma, but what am I supposed to be looking forward too? I'm not knocking the absence of pain or the value of a good night's sleep, but now what?

Had a conversation with someone who knew they wanted kids - a concept I couldn't wrap my head around, because I think partner comes before kids - but what is a generalized need for a partner? Admitting you're incomplete as a person? I tend to think I'm more in that camp - I can and usually do make it alone, but I do prefer to have and am happier with a partner. But why? What does an unnamed unknown partner add to life? I do know I'm happy when I have purpose. I have to admit having offspring is a purpose - you try to pass on something to the future. Of course you can do this with work or charity. Oddly law school was a purpose - did it make me happy? I'm happy at work when I'm doing work, in the gym, juggling monies - but then what?

At least I caught myself in this last bit of near-materialism. I was being annoyed with the onslaught of KOONS commercials on every news station in the morning, when I thought about how much it must cost to pay for all those ads and that anyone buying one of their cars is naturally paying for those ads for them. How can this work? I guess the idea is the commercial, or rather their franchisor's commercials create a need for something where previously there was no need. If you have a functioning car, why get another? A better ass-warmer, gps, spinners, or higher clearance when you step out in the mall? I was going to get a new car rather than repair the old one - running tighter on money than I expected caused me to rethink that (as did the higher than expected cost). I was thinking of a new tv, but mine works (I thought the lcd/plasma were better on energy, but that doesn't seem supported by research). Instead of buying a new (even new to me) computer I'm putting memory chips in to keep what I have going. So I fought back that artificial feeling of need and realized I was thinking about buying things I didn't NEED. I didn't even really want them - just had this kind of generalized floating want. Not sure if I figured out the floating desire or if I'm just too tight on funds to act on frivolity.

But while it's cool to fight back pointless wants or misplaced feelings that make you think you want...what do I want? I'm still happy about the discovery that I don't know what I want - but then what do I pursue? I don't need to change the world, I'm happy with the idea of just being comfortable and having quiet fun - but I'm doing that now and it feels kind of empty. There has always been some great pain, some work, some crap going on for the past 5 years or so - and now that I'm getting used to the cessation of pain - what's next? What do I want? What is a need? I mean I'm doing stuff, reading, working out a lot, hanging with friends, got new dangerous hobbies, and even doing solo coffee when no other activity is compelling - but all together I feel like I'm missing something. What do I want - I don't know. I guess that want-without-direction is the very definition of angst. Ick. I could probably make it go away with a few drinks.

I might go to chronos tonight, but I'm totally not feeling that sleep/fetish wear theme.

Comments

[telie13.livejournal.com]

For a very long time now you've had certain challenges taking up your mental space -school, work, family obligations. I think you are probably unused to having this much time to think about just yourself, perhaps you are looking for a new challenge?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Perhaps. I worry that this is a permanent feeling - may lead to success, but a constant need to scratch a nonexistent itch!?

Worse, what if I do have a partner at some point and this feeling is there - that could certainly lead to friction. I mean even if I'm not like a prez and exhibit that urge by deciding that means I need to fuck new peeps, taking off on a mission you weren't on when you met someone can cause all sort of trauma.

Great - I worry about 2nd order situations from which I'm removed. Good god...