(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm tempted to put on a good face or at least be quiet and fake happiness, but I've gone back into a funk. This holiday sucked mighty fucking balls for me, no surprise but I was surprised at how much the holiday bothered me. I used to hate having family obligations - but it turns out the absence of them hurts too. I think I still haven't gotten to a normal life pattern...I'm not even sure what that is. Law school was work, then there was trauma, but what am I supposed to be looking forward too? I'm not knocking the absence of pain or the value of a good night's sleep, but now what?

Had a conversation with someone who knew they wanted kids - a concept I couldn't wrap my head around, because I think partner comes before kids - but what is a generalized need for a partner? Admitting you're incomplete as a person? I tend to think I'm more in that camp - I can and usually do make it alone, but I do prefer to have and am happier with a partner. But why? What does an unnamed unknown partner add to life? I do know I'm happy when I have purpose. I have to admit having offspring is a purpose - you try to pass on something to the future. Of course you can do this with work or charity. Oddly law school was a purpose - did it make me happy? I'm happy at work when I'm doing work, in the gym, juggling monies - but then what?

At least I caught myself in this last bit of near-materialism. I was being annoyed with the onslaught of KOONS commercials on every news station in the morning, when I thought about how much it must cost to pay for all those ads and that anyone buying one of their cars is naturally paying for those ads for them. How can this work? I guess the idea is the commercial, or rather their franchisor's commercials create a need for something where previously there was no need. If you have a functioning car, why get another? A better ass-warmer, gps, spinners, or higher clearance when you step out in the mall? I was going to get a new car rather than repair the old one - running tighter on money than I expected caused me to rethink that (as did the higher than expected cost). I was thinking of a new tv, but mine works (I thought the lcd/plasma were better on energy, but that doesn't seem supported by research). Instead of buying a new (even new to me) computer I'm putting memory chips in to keep what I have going. So I fought back that artificial feeling of need and realized I was thinking about buying things I didn't NEED. I didn't even really want them - just had this kind of generalized floating want. Not sure if I figured out the floating desire or if I'm just too tight on funds to act on frivolity.

But while it's cool to fight back pointless wants or misplaced feelings that make you think you want...what do I want? I'm still happy about the discovery that I don't know what I want - but then what do I pursue? I don't need to change the world, I'm happy with the idea of just being comfortable and having quiet fun - but I'm doing that now and it feels kind of empty. There has always been some great pain, some work, some crap going on for the past 5 years or so - and now that I'm getting used to the cessation of pain - what's next? What do I want? What is a need? I mean I'm doing stuff, reading, working out a lot, hanging with friends, got new dangerous hobbies, and even doing solo coffee when no other activity is compelling - but all together I feel like I'm missing something. What do I want - I don't know. I guess that want-without-direction is the very definition of angst. Ick. I could probably make it go away with a few drinks.

I might go to chronos tonight, but I'm totally not feeling that sleep/fetish wear theme.

Comments

[bluvampr.livejournal.com]

generalized floating want

wow. really nice phrasing (and well-worded paragraph in general). it's a daily fight for me, esp with all the pretty pictures of pretty girlie things i am assaulted with on a daily basis. the argument comes down to: will it make me happy? as in, will i go bouncing around pogoing with joy because i have this new toy, or will i be momentarily satisfied but then crave something else within a few minutes?

the scary part is that most people don't fight this battle or, worse, don't realize this battle is out there to fight.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

See this lesson also applies to fucking...

(not being critical - how many years did it take me to begin to figure out that one?)

[bluvampr.livejournal.com]

haha, very true.

though really, it applies to anything you seek "for no reason" in that way.

[curvemudgeon.livejournal.com]

So I fought back that artificial feeling of need and realized I was thinking about buying things I didn't NEED.

Viewpoint A: I think it's important to draw a distinction between responsible and irresponsible retail therapy. There's nothing wrong with buying yourself something you don't need simply because you want to; that's supposed to be one of the perks of being a responsible adult. The temporary distraction from non-constructive introspection a new ShinyThing(tm) might engender can more than recoup the material cost of said ShinyThing(tm). YMMV.

Viewpoint B: Fuck it - if you're not going to be a bit selfish nobody else is going to do it for you[0]. Just don't make a habit of it and start hitting your friends up for survival money because you blew it all on crap you didn't need.

[0] While not necessarily an accurate generalization it's better than expecting other people to be selfish on your behalf.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I think with silly small things, $6 coffee, or $2 chocolate it makes sense. With the $500 mark, you have to go wtf. I am very involved in my retirement goals - and it's hard not to think about how much each $ is valued in future years with compounded interest. Uh, if you ignore the sinking economy...

[telie13.livejournal.com]

For a very long time now you've had certain challenges taking up your mental space -school, work, family obligations. I think you are probably unused to having this much time to think about just yourself, perhaps you are looking for a new challenge?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Perhaps. I worry that this is a permanent feeling - may lead to success, but a constant need to scratch a nonexistent itch!?

Worse, what if I do have a partner at some point and this feeling is there - that could certainly lead to friction. I mean even if I'm not like a prez and exhibit that urge by deciding that means I need to fuck new peeps, taking off on a mission you weren't on when you met someone can cause all sort of trauma.

Great - I worry about 2nd order situations from which I'm removed. Good god...

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

When you transition from being swamped with things that have to be done that must be addressed to not having that list, well it is a hard transition. I went through a similar roller coaster after I finished grad school and buried my uncle. It is a hard transition to make. The lack of constant stressors causes you to look inward and to find your next goal. For me it was to learn to be happy with my life and enjoy it again while still striving to better myself. Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. You will find what makes you happy. And maybe from time to time try not to overthink things;>

[vicar.livejournal.com]

try not to overthink things

Riiiiiiight...after I learn to not-breathe ;P

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

Hahaha. Trust me it isn't easy for me either. That is why I take my dance classes. I can't think about anything while I am dancing, only about the next move. It is a wonderful thing to be given two hours of not thinking about life.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you have to buy things you don't really need, but as long as you are careful with the cost of those things it shouldn't be a big problem. I sometimes buy things I don't really need, but I figure that if it makes me happy for more than a few minutes it was probably worth it. That's just what I've learned, but I thought I'd tell you what you really already know anyways.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

first, it sounds like you're having problems with the lack of stress in your life now that school and family issues have ended... from what you've said it seems you're doing ok as far as avoiding negative behaviors but are looking for something to keep you occupied... and i hate to say it but you probably need to learn to relax a bit

what about setting some personal, non-work, non-family goals for yourself (you do this all the time in the gym; why not do the same mentally) - reading something new (or joining a book club? - intelligent discussion is good); perhaps catching up on films you've not seen; going to the theatre or museums or traveling?; or learning something you've been interested in for fun (i know you're into the house thing - so maybe learn how to do electrical or carpentry work; taking a class in a new language might be a good choice too)

the goals don't have to be big but they should be something you enjoy (or think you will - you may not once you try them) and want to get better at understanding, doing, etc - not to add stress back into your life, but to give yourself something to work toward

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Those all sound good - I am trying to read rather than playing video games. I'm also avoiding getting new video games because if I'm this hooked on games from 1995...new ones might just "make me quit my job."

Or not - if I were that into fantasy escape I'd be fucking strangers or drinking more.

[unapologetic.wordpress.com (from livejournal.com)]

A partner shows you who you are. You have no idea what you look like without a mirror, and you have no idea what you are like without seeing it reflected in someone's eyes.

well...

[cyaneyed.livejournal.com]

i was having want problems of my own 8/9 months ago.

i was contracting, no family obligations, no job obligations, no school. it felt weird.

i kept asking myself while staring out the window or driving around or surfing the net... what do i want?

you can't really buy a life's purpose.

i kept thinking i'm too lazy and small and uneducated in language/politics to stop wars. i don't want to go into the peace corps right now. not sure they'd take me.

maybe we should start a startup company with a site that helps you figure out what you want. :)

something that shows you how to get involved in local politics, charities, pet shelters, showing photos of kids, pets, people, neighborhoods in need on one hand, and on the other, maybe more fluffy answers like here's a list of social networking sites where you can make a profile and explore other peoples wants for inspiration or just stalk celebrities and what they want.

all this led me to check out http://www.whatdoiwant.com/ where i learned i have a 45% chance of being compatible with my house. it was 20, but then i cheated and said it faced more northeast than east, and i was ok.

Re: well...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

When I first read that I thought "Spouse" and was fascinated by the idea. I also got 45% for NE. It seems if I get SW I'm 100%...I really would love to know what the hell they are measuring.

I actually feel ok - I try to help the world and would lvoe to save it, but don't feel some burning hunger to do so or dissatisfied if despite the fact I reused that cup the fish in the potomac all die anyway. I've been happy with my drink, food, and friends before. I probably will be again and all this crazy is just a phase...

All things you're uncomfortable are just phases, right? It's just a phase, it's just a phase...

Re: well...

[pennan.livejournal.com]

heh, my phase is 5 years and running now

in followup

[cyaneyed.livejournal.com]

lifepurpose.com is available.

i see it as a step-by-step personality questionaire that leads you to figure out things like, am i a republican or democrat? would i be a good chef if i wanted to learn to cook?

there was a "what job should have" meme floating around for awhile that was pretty darned useful. hosted on a job-posting site it gave you a list of like 20 jobs you'd be well suited for and what i currently do was something like 20th on the list.

[2501.livejournal.com]

I'm totally not feeling that sleep/fetish wear theme

If you come out, it will probably wind up feeling you, though...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Well now that's a winner! Think mgt would mind me running around in trunks?

(I'm 3lbs over my target so no exposed Josés for a bit)

[2501.livejournal.com]

wait, are you saying your penis is overweight?

[2501.livejournal.com]

*re-reads*

OK I could have sworn it said "no exposed José bits"