vicarz | (no subject)

I got the message a couple days ago - chemical paralysis was a last-ditch effort, with the idea that without coughing they could control his respiration to his benefit. This despite his "super-bug" which had resisted the antibiotic, the antibiotic that had, as it often does, resulted in his kidneys shutting down.

I was in favor of death ages ago. Choose death is a bit more vivid in my mind right now.

In addition to that, his pneumonia was officially diagnosed and also was being treated, also unsuccessfully. Despite their best efforts and "full support," his co2 was rising on a steady curve and now his bloodstream was holding more and more waste products. He had some other symptoms of kidney problems. He showed some signs of nerve and brain damage. There were other symptoms.

One of his sisters arrived today. She asked that we not make decisions on her behalf. We caught up, but he had filled them in on most of my accomplishments - only the last few months were missed. I hear he was proud of me.

Last time I visited he wasn't there. Today before the doctors arrived, the nurses checked him out. His pupils weren't even dilating with the light - I knew the result from the way they shone more directly and checked, rechecked, the results. He failed to show nerve responses to electric stimulation. The blood work was worse. He looked worse. Much worse - first time it was this marked in such a short period of time to the point I could see the difference. I think he might have had enough brain damage that what happened today wasn't relevant.

We met with the doctors for a last time. The doctor, she had a permanent smile on her face - she dealt with everything realistically but somehow every mannerism she had just radiated cute and nice person. She were young, another doctor more our age backed her up. She re-explained the problems including the steady decline. Even his wife acquiesced to what was...what had happened. They discussed the fact a lack of basic pupil dilation was an unexpected but very telling sign. His advanced directive came into play - it said if he was ever was terminal not to prolong his "life" with artificial means. As much as she disagreed with me and the doctors this time, his wife was quick and didn't argue when the doctors were this clear about his condition and lack of hope. It was only a question of how and when. They explained that the course was to remove the chemical paralysis, a short-acting issue. He was given 90 minutes to ensure it was no longer effective. If he wanted, and was able, he could have stood up and walked around with that little drug in his system. At the same time the medicine forcing his blood pressure higher was terminated.

After withdrawing the paralysis curare derivative (name?) an emergency occurred a few doors down. Another group of relatives looked like they were in a similar situation. We stayed with my father and noticed erratic monitor notes. As his own systems kicked into play, he got steadily and measurably worse. His face never showed an ounce of life (details omitted). When the nearby emergency was over, a team of doctors and nurses returned to the room. His alarms went off a lot - they simply shut down the monitor in the room and let it play elsewhere - I saw them remotely set all the alarms to mute, the levels to max. They moved the ventilator monitor so we couldn't see it. I held his hand, his wife the other, his sister Virginia stood by us and his side. She used to be a nun, and she has helped people through this before. Friends. They gave him massive doses of "sedative," while they lowered the amount of ventilator support.

As much as I criticize people who avoid growth through legal prescribed chemicals, I have felt a lot of this for the past few months. I'm currently self-medicating with legal liquids. I am not the least bit ashamed of that. A few months from now I better check the frequency, but right now it seems nearly inarguable.

I can't go out tonight, wanted to, even planned on it no matter what - I'd just not talk about what happened and if I could play it off no one would know. I wanted the distractions, your lives, your concerns, normal life and priorities. Seemed disrespectful. That and...I don't know. There is no manual, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or not do. This is what I am doing. Right now.

If I post this - this is from a file, one of the very few, I write just for me. If I post this, it's for those few that have gone through this, the less that are going through their own version right now, and for those that will in the future. I know I hold myself and my life out there for public review, but this is rather hard - pressing the issue. I hope it can help somehow. me or you