(no subject)

[vicarz]

I got the message a couple days ago - chemical paralysis was a last-ditch effort, with the idea that without coughing they could control his respiration to his benefit. This despite his "super-bug" which had resisted the antibiotic, the antibiotic that had, as it often does, resulted in his kidneys shutting down.

I was in favor of death ages ago. Choose death is a bit more vivid in my mind right now.

In addition to that, his pneumonia was officially diagnosed and also was being treated, also unsuccessfully. Despite their best efforts and "full support," his co2 was rising on a steady curve and now his bloodstream was holding more and more waste products. He had some other symptoms of kidney problems. He showed some signs of nerve and brain damage. There were other symptoms.

One of his sisters arrived today. She asked that we not make decisions on her behalf. We caught up, but he had filled them in on most of my accomplishments - only the last few months were missed. I hear he was proud of me.

Last time I visited he wasn't there. Today before the doctors arrived, the nurses checked him out. His pupils weren't even dilating with the light - I knew the result from the way they shone more directly and checked, rechecked, the results. He failed to show nerve responses to electric stimulation. The blood work was worse. He looked worse. Much worse - first time it was this marked in such a short period of time to the point I could see the difference. I think he might have had enough brain damage that what happened today wasn't relevant.

We met with the doctors for a last time. The doctor, she had a permanent smile on her face - she dealt with everything realistically but somehow every mannerism she had just radiated cute and nice person. She were young, another doctor more our age backed her up. She re-explained the problems including the steady decline. Even his wife acquiesced to what was...what had happened. They discussed the fact a lack of basic pupil dilation was an unexpected but very telling sign. His advanced directive came into play - it said if he was ever was terminal not to prolong his "life" with artificial means. As much as she disagreed with me and the doctors this time, his wife was quick and didn't argue when the doctors were this clear about his condition and lack of hope. It was only a question of how and when. They explained that the course was to remove the chemical paralysis, a short-acting issue. He was given 90 minutes to ensure it was no longer effective. If he wanted, and was able, he could have stood up and walked around with that little drug in his system. At the same time the medicine forcing his blood pressure higher was terminated.

After withdrawing the paralysis curare derivative (name?) an emergency occurred a few doors down. Another group of relatives looked like they were in a similar situation. We stayed with my father and noticed erratic monitor notes. As his own systems kicked into play, he got steadily and measurably worse. His face never showed an ounce of life (details omitted). When the nearby emergency was over, a team of doctors and nurses returned to the room. His alarms went off a lot - they simply shut down the monitor in the room and let it play elsewhere - I saw them remotely set all the alarms to mute, the levels to max. They moved the ventilator monitor so we couldn't see it. I held his hand, his wife the other, his sister Virginia stood by us and his side. She used to be a nun, and she has helped people through this before. Friends. They gave him massive doses of "sedative," while they lowered the amount of ventilator support.



As much as I criticize people who avoid growth through legal prescribed chemicals, I have felt a lot of this for the past few months. I'm currently self-medicating with legal liquids. I am not the least bit ashamed of that. A few months from now I better check the frequency, but right now it seems nearly inarguable.

I can't go out tonight, wanted to, even planned on it no matter what - I'd just not talk about what happened and if I could play it off no one would know. I wanted the distractions, your lives, your concerns, normal life and priorities. Seemed disrespectful. That and...I don't know. There is no manual, I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or not do. This is what I am doing. Right now.

If I post this - this is from a file, one of the very few, I write just for me. If I post this, it's for those few that have gone through this, the less that are going through their own version right now, and for those that will in the future. I know I hold myself and my life out there for public review, but this is rather hard - pressing the issue. I hope it can help somehow. me or you

Comments

[telie13.livejournal.com]

I'm sending you lots of love my water lily......

[eac.livejournal.com]

For what it's worth, I read this carefully. Because if you're making the effort to post about it, I wanted to make sure it was heard.

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

There is no manual. All you can do is your best at the time. One step at a time.

I was thinking of you today.

[bentrazor.livejournal.com]

.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_blackjack_/]

I was thinking about you during my drive home, and the best I could come up with to tell you is this: this is pretty close to the hardest thing you'll ever have to go through. Do what you have to do, ask for whatever help you need, and you will know that you are able to handle the worst that life can throw at you.

You know my number.

[anarcha.livejournal.com]

There is no manual,

yup

I have no idea what I'm supposed to do or not do.

That's because you aren't supposed to do anything. There's isn't no right or wrong thing to do, just what is right for you.

You know where I am, and how to reach me, just as you've known all along.

I'm not going to call, e-mail etc, but will let you reach out in your own time.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

Oh Jose, I'm crying really hard. This makes me realize what you all must have gone through with me. I'm really sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad you were able to allow me to have even a little understanding about how my Encephilitis is for everyone else.

I do think you are doing really well for something so painful. I'm glad that you were there to see that he wasn't in pain because that would have hurt you even more. I hope that you feel better soon even though things will never be like they were.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Thank you - very sweet to do and say

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Save the Bay...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I'm glad I could help somehow. This sort of thing is hard on everyone, but you do what you have to and guess with the best of intentions.

[caligaridc.livejournal.com]

I'm sitting here in tears after reading this over and over again. I have been reading about this closely, as I watched Dennis' father (who was like my own) pass, and now I wait for my mother who is going through the same. I never know what to say, and I know that I won't be as strong as you are. Much love to you darling, and I hope that I can hug you tightly when I see you again.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I know that this is hard for everyone & you do what has to be done. I don't know if I've ever been where you are so I didn't really know until you posted this how it really was for everyone with me.

I know that everything you did with this is for the best intentions. I knew it was really hurtful, but it is something we all know is coming at some time.

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

If you ever find a manual let me know. I will say both my family and myself go the self medication route as well. You do what you need to do to get by.

Words can seem hollow when grieving, but my condolences to you and your family.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Strong is silly, or at least overrated. You'll be as strong as you need to be.

[pastor-saturn.livejournal.com]

I hope it can help somehow. me or you

It can. It will, I think.

Nothing else, just my sincerest sympathies to you and yours.

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

I feel you

[ashbet]

You may need to bury yourself in some distraction right now -- don't feel bad for having the need, or not wanting to talk about it. There is no "right" way to be feeling, no "right" things to be doing. Just do what it takes to get through each day.

My deepest and most heartfelt condolences -- this is something that nobody is prepared to go through, no matter how much time you have to get used to the idea.

*more hugs*

-- A :/

[underfiend.livejournal.com]

It does help, and we're here for you when you're ready.

[translucent-eye.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I was so surprised that once I thought I had finished the healing process over my father's death - little things would still creep up. And I still remember all of the friends that were there for me during that time, and how much it meant to me and still does.

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

I wish there was something I could do to make everything better, but I guess there probably is not.

My heart goes out to you though, and I hope that if there is anything that I can do to help, you will let me know. If not, then the next time we cross paths, drinks are on me, and I promise to not to ask how you are doing. I'll simply say "hi.".

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I think the annoyance over that is also over. I vented more on here than I did in public of course :)

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

Well then perhaps you shall be forced to be hugged as well as have drinks purchased for you. :)

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

:(

[atrum-exsilium.livejournal.com]

I can definitely relate, my friend. I wish you well.

[kuanyin00.livejournal.com]

I didn't get a chance to read this until today. I'm glad you were able to be there for him and for your/his family.

[spunkmunky.livejournal.com]

Monkey love to you.

[obscurerichard.livejournal.com]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. My father died in April 2006. As you've written of your situation, I've felt much compassion for you.