vicarz | (no subject)

Is there any benefit to this constant introspection? I mean I feel like I grow and understand through this process, and through the feedback I receive, but I also have to remember not to just sit around and think about it - do something! Go out there and be that thing you wanna be! Do those things that are worth doing. Don't just masturbate yourself with this pseudo-intellectual interaction.

Last night I unsuccessfully tried to fix the faucet in my rental unit. Grr - they knocked the glass shelf off the wall, had to patch the wall (that thing could hold a brick, so I'm ticked that it was abused - not replacing it, just patching the wall). I noticed the girl was sitting at home watching sit-coms and surfing the net. Why do I feel like a loser when I'm at home?

I worked from home and coffee this AM. I get shaky after many cups of coffee, but for some reason I always want more. I have to learn to fight back that feeling, like booze.

You can get used to anything. I have some poopy stuff in my life right now, but I'm kinda used to it. I'm separating my thoughts and memories of my dad into "live-dad" and "dying-dad." I wonder if I won't realize how broken I am until this whole episode is over (when the hell with that be? A week, month, year, ten years?) On the other hand, I'm impressed with my defense mechanisms. Now that I'm getting more aware of them, I find them not so bad. I use them intentionally and that's a good thing. Denial, anger (oh yes anger, but don't do anything you'll regret), drug abuse, distraction, endorphin abuse, rationalization, introspection and analysis, catharsis, commiseration...as long as you don't get stuck anywhere they're all good things.

Babies? Like us non-religiousy types, those of us that choose not to breed get all defensive over the huge pressure to do so. It's like being rabidly gay or poly when all the world is geared for hetero monog love. Like everything else to do with relationships, I'm quite happy to note I don't know. I don't know what I want, what is good for me, what I should strive for if anything, what I should avoid - I think I have enough huge obvious errors in my history that I can't respectably have an opinion. Kids? I don't know the first thing about babies, kids, young adults - how could I make a decision about that? I always considered that when I partnered for life (which I've always expected to do, and still do, even though I now realize it may not happen) that their input would heavily influence my decision in that regard. At one point when the question aspect of it was removed, solidly, I found myself a bit put back - I could deal, but the lack of choice left me a bit sore. Now the element of choice of spawn or no is back in my theoretical life. My father was born to a 50 year old father. I have no idea where I'm going with this.

My biggest 2 accomplishments in terms of relationships in the last what...5 years are:
1) discovering that I not only didn't know what I wanted, but I didn't know what questions to ask! I had given up on being able to discern truth from fiction, so I had this silly checklist of criteria that made for a good long-term mate (though it would seem for short term the list was very different): education, basic finance, respectable career, general fitness, not on meds, attractive to me, liberal politics, musical taste...it didn't seem to be a long or difficult list to me, though mentioning "criteria" gave lots of my friends the creeps. A few experiences with people who met my stated criteria convinced me I was way off
2) Recognizing and moving beyound my defense mechanisms. I looked at the people I had cared for in the past so many years, and with a recent experience realized that when I cared for someone it was generally someone I never considered relationship material at the start. This is no insult to those people - just circumstances seemed to say it shouldn't or wouldn't happen. Only then did I develop feelings! With anyone that was a long-term relationship possibility (in my misguided opinion at the time) I never developed feelings. My current theory is I was guarded in those relationships to the point I 2nd guessed my feelings and refused to feel or acknowledge feelings.

As always the solution, regardless of all the fun coffee-talk theoretical nonsense, is to keep active and do stuff with friends. Talk, eat, drink, watch smart stuff, watch dumb stuff, read, and live. Stop trying to make things, stop trying to avoid things - just do with some reasonable balance.

Previously I thought I couldn't detect lies. I'm not good at reading people, but I'm better than I was and I am much better at detecting lies than I used to be. Why am I so into physical stuff especially when it involves fighting? One reason is I'm friggin socially retarded - and I find the idea that if you are unable to deal with things through social discourse that you can elevate the issues into physical combat. Anyone see the problem with that line of thought? Welcome to Jose's middle-east social skills! Escalate much? Fail to address the real issue much? So I keep the motivation since I like the side effects, but remember that some of that social frustration should be channeled into social skills. Learn. Practice. Grow.

How to detect lies:
1. Listen to the person. Often if you don't show any skepticism they will eventually make absurd claims that can't possibly be true.
2. Believe the story when it is told to you! Someone telling the truth isn't convincing - they tend to not worry about convincing anyone of anything because they know they speak the truth. A liar knows they need to convince you (and sometimes themselves) that their story or version of events is true. They will monitor your reactions to the story, modify the story to fit your expectations, and customize everything to convince you of their truth. If you show disbelief when they tell you lies, they will get better at lying! You're more likely to catch them if you accept everything with an open mind. Your facial expressions of belief are more likely to result in sloppy lies.
3. Think through what you hear. Ask yourself, preferably later: i) are the facts in the story logically consistent? ii) is the teller of the story saint-like, a sad victim with no control over their life, or are the actors too good to be realistic? Similarly, iii) are the "bad people" too bad to be believable? Any B&W, good and evil, story is unlikely to be true.
4. When the story is over and everything is on the table, ask questions consistent with the story. Don't point out inconsistent parts of the story, but question the parts of the story that seem contradictory on their own - get the person to really commit to each fact that can't be true or true at the same time as other facts. See what details they volunteer. Try to get them to mistake your questions for interest in the story (see, now you're lying to catch a liar).
5. Keep an open mind and listen to others. Observe interactions. Note facts that are consistent or inconsistent with the story you're told. Ask questions about the facts in the story without retelling the story - pursue the parts individually to see if they were relayed to you accurately. The truth will eventually be obvious to everyone, but you may beat the curve by quietly observing whether the facts seem to support or contradict what you've been told.
6. Outlive the liar. Most people who lie don't just do it once - it's a pattern. "Fool me once..." You don't actually have to detect lies most of the time - often you can simply see what truths come out over time. No secret or lie survives for long, or if one does many others will become known. The simple strategy here is to spend more time with people you can trust, less with those who show they aren't trustworthy.

I don't mind giving up these techniques. I value the truth a great deal, and no matter how good the liar eventually truth will become public knowledge. Anything I can do to help in that process is worth doing. See, i.e., politics.