(no subject)

[vicarz]

Ahem
I understand the frustration, and honestly I would up yelling out loud shortly before leaving myself, but even then it wasn't to call my boss names (deserved or no). I would really look inside yourself and try to find the strength to take the horrid situation without showing insubordination. Ask – why do I need to express this? How could it possibly help? What benefit is there to me saying this? Perhaps save the speech and outbursts for when you have officially escaped and you see one of them in a mall. Even then, you might find escaping the situation just makes their self-imposed misery amusing and pitiful, rather than something that should be retaliated against.

I should listen to my own advice (above cut from years ago). I'm being, acting, like an asshole. No, behavior is more important than motives or reasons - I'm acting like an asshole, which means I am an asshole. I am an asshole. I am too old to throw tantrums, to let my emotions roll out of control. If I need to express, then I need to do that in private with select friends. I'm not private, but there is no need to air my issues with such volume. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I can't even tell what emotion is coming from what place. I am trying to stay active and do different things with different friends every day, and doing so I move forward and feel better - but then I keep flooding negativity out of my mouth. I'm usually shocked by it too - I don't know how much I want to talk until I realize how much I've just said. I'm too old to act and then apologize - that doesn't remove the act. Why? Why do I feel this? What possible good could come from the negative things I say? None.

I'm damaged, more than I should be even given my circumstances, far more than my experience would explain. I'm trying to fix myself, or if not myself then at least MY BEHAVIOR, but I keep slipping.

So, random list of friends and people I mostly know through LJ - I'm asking for a bit of help. No obligation on anyone - but if you see me acting like an ass, please feel free to point it out. If I say too much, say it too loud, say it too often...please feel free to point that out. I promise I will try to listen. I'm hesitant to promise anything - I don't like how I am acting at all so it's odd to promise I'll behave well when I'm not behaving well. I know better, but I'm not acting properly. I could use some help.

Comments

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I think it's more that I know me so I can have more of a chance to figure out what is going on with other people. If your friend didn't agree or got sick maybe you should look for a new friend. You listen to all my complaints & I really appreciate it.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

You've been good to me for years, even if you don't remember it. I guess none of us are all that different, and knowing that and trying to understand yourself really helps you dealing with all sort of different people.

I noted that no one's pain was less or more important than my own. If you really feel it, the reason for the joy or pain is less important than the feeling it elicits. I've felt huge emotions over minor events in my life, but even knowing that didn't make the feelings any smaller. That kind of understanding makes it much easier to respect random individuals - who knows what led to them to where they are now. Without knowing, you wind up treating everyone with respect which in turn earns respect in many cases.