(no subject)

[vicarz]

Ahem
I understand the frustration, and honestly I would up yelling out loud shortly before leaving myself, but even then it wasn't to call my boss names (deserved or no). I would really look inside yourself and try to find the strength to take the horrid situation without showing insubordination. Ask – why do I need to express this? How could it possibly help? What benefit is there to me saying this? Perhaps save the speech and outbursts for when you have officially escaped and you see one of them in a mall. Even then, you might find escaping the situation just makes their self-imposed misery amusing and pitiful, rather than something that should be retaliated against.

I should listen to my own advice (above cut from years ago). I'm being, acting, like an asshole. No, behavior is more important than motives or reasons - I'm acting like an asshole, which means I am an asshole. I am an asshole. I am too old to throw tantrums, to let my emotions roll out of control. If I need to express, then I need to do that in private with select friends. I'm not private, but there is no need to air my issues with such volume. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I can't even tell what emotion is coming from what place. I am trying to stay active and do different things with different friends every day, and doing so I move forward and feel better - but then I keep flooding negativity out of my mouth. I'm usually shocked by it too - I don't know how much I want to talk until I realize how much I've just said. I'm too old to act and then apologize - that doesn't remove the act. Why? Why do I feel this? What possible good could come from the negative things I say? None.

I'm damaged, more than I should be even given my circumstances, far more than my experience would explain. I'm trying to fix myself, or if not myself then at least MY BEHAVIOR, but I keep slipping.

So, random list of friends and people I mostly know through LJ - I'm asking for a bit of help. No obligation on anyone - but if you see me acting like an ass, please feel free to point it out. If I say too much, say it too loud, say it too often...please feel free to point that out. I promise I will try to listen. I'm hesitant to promise anything - I don't like how I am acting at all so it's odd to promise I'll behave well when I'm not behaving well. I know better, but I'm not acting properly. I could use some help.

Comments

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Can I say that I'm proud of you without sounding condescending? It always seems like such a condescending thing to say unless I'm like 20 years older than a person. But, truth be told, this is a very insight piece. Very mature and aware and emotionally curious and respectful. Its so hard to be emotionally respectful. We are too busy fulfilling our own needs.

This line, is sooooooo good, I'm angry I hadn't thought of it myself: "No, behavior is more important than motives or reasons." Of course I may have read it differently than you intended, but yet it is a thought others should process.

I'm asking for a bit of help. No obligation on anyone - but if you see me acting like an ass, please feel free to point it out.

I don't think I've ever had a problem doing thing ;)

I'm glad you are my friend Jose. I look forward to another six years of telling you that you are being an "asshole", "ridiculous", "crazy", "x/y/z is soooooooooooo not worth it trust me "and "YOU ARE NOT FAT SHUT THE FUCK UP".

--k

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Argh! Um, first, thank you. But...I didn't do anything. I've just made a post to LJ - that's not action per se.

I disagree with my line sometimes, intentions are very important. You can hurt me and if you meant to help I may say thanks. However, what I was referring to was that I meant to do well and was instead giving in to immature and destructive impulses - which became actions. I might have meant not to be an ass, but measured by what came out I was an ass.

Um, yes. Yes. Yes, you are very quick to point out when you believe I am acting in an ass-like manner. And loud. (and thank you for that, but you are one of the best at jumping on that)

Did you call me fat?

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Hey "FAT ASSHOLE" jump on AIM when you get a moment.

--k

[kuanyin00.livejournal.com]

I rather like your frankness. Sometimes i'm not entirely sure how people might take something, but you, you're bound to let me know ;-)

certain thought patterns can be destructive because they set people up to feel miserable. i'll plead the fifth here but, oh, read "the feeling good handbook" and even though the title sounds hokey, it's a good read. Particularly if you are a perfectionist because thought patterns can set people up for failure (and the attendant hit to self-esteem) - ie, 'musterbation' or thinking "must" a lot; jumping to conclusions; etc. The book identifies ten thought patterns in particular and it's really helpful... i've used it to improve my dynamic with my director...

i know your post is mostly about behavior but i think thought is important. work with thoughts & thought patterns, & sometimes it will change behavior inestimably.

btw, you're awesome, really.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I'm big on jumping to conclusions - right now I've been convinced of a horrible reality so long I don't even care what hte truth is anymore. That's a particularly odd place for me to be.

[joanarkham.livejournal.com]

I keep trying to come up with something to say, but...yeah, what Kel said.

Your desire for self-improvement is something I really admire about you, but don't be too hard on yourself, OK?

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

SOmething that you seem to have forgotten is that friends are people who help with problems & that isn't just when they feel like it. It's when you need someone they are there for you. You are that way with others, but you don't let them be that way for you. You do have a lot going on & you never let yourself deal with things. You try to hold them in until you can't anymore. You need to let yourself be human & realize that everyone has outbursts & the more they try to hol them in the worse the outburts are.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I was dumping on one friend, and they got sick of it or didn't agree with me. So I tried to hold it in. See - you do know me still :)

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I think it's more that I know me so I can have more of a chance to figure out what is going on with other people. If your friend didn't agree or got sick maybe you should look for a new friend. You listen to all my complaints & I really appreciate it.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

You've been good to me for years, even if you don't remember it. I guess none of us are all that different, and knowing that and trying to understand yourself really helps you dealing with all sort of different people.

I noted that no one's pain was less or more important than my own. If you really feel it, the reason for the joy or pain is less important than the feeling it elicits. I've felt huge emotions over minor events in my life, but even knowing that didn't make the feelings any smaller. That kind of understanding makes it much easier to respect random individuals - who knows what led to them to where they are now. Without knowing, you wind up treating everyone with respect which in turn earns respect in many cases.