(no subject)

[vicarz]

Unless you find my musing and style of writing interesting, this is probably quite dull - nothing about sex, world politics, and no pictures under cut - just reflections.

Got an unexpected bill from the US Dept of Ed - seems not all my loans were Sallie Mae, that one was direct to Ed. So, I'm thousands of dollars poorer than I thought I was. I'm also about to put my annual plug into the market in Jan, this year the max allowed for your IRA is 5k, so like the speed limit the max is my minimum requirement. My few remaining nonretirement stocks are diving with the market. I've created a more detailed budget and realized I'm slowly hemorrhaging money. I'm fine and will be, but the 2 mortgages are really a burden - so I can't spend much. I am that symptom of the slowing economy based on the mortgage market you're hearing about. Only, I'm not in trouble (I have resources to cover this, despite the dying stock market, and one mortgage I paid down so far ends in 2009 rather than 2022). Glad I didn't buy that car, couch, computer, laptop, and big tv I was thinking of. I may try to snag some stuff off of craigslist after the holiday when all the rich folk get their shiny new toys and get rid of last year's shiny new toys.

So my giant revelation wasn't so giant. My big change so far is that I see my dad in the hospital 4 days a week instead of 7. In my extra time...I've done little. My friends are busy with their own lives of course, and I'm still a little used to not making plans. Well, not during the week. I'm not reading, not going out, not even watching tv much. I've ventured onto IM a bit, but mostly I still waste my time comfort gaming. I don't know if I'm reverting to my lazy life, or if I really just need to rest, repair, and recover. Drinking less the time goes by slower. What do normal people do during the 8 hours they are not at work? The gym is only 2 hours - food another hour. Then what? Why were there only things I wanted to watch on tv when I had no time to watch - is that an optical illusion?

Worked with an old bud in class last night, and realized how hard I'm hitting. I suppose that's good, that I've shown growth, but the applicability is arguable. I suppose if I have someone tell me what to throw at a fixed-distance leather target I'm prepared. My calves though...fucking fierce. I could never box - my whole interest in the sport seems to be staring at my own calves in the mirror.

Last night was the last night my old coach was teaching - he's moved on. I've grown in this class and it really filled in a lot of holes for me over the years, but it may be time to move on as my growth curve is flattening out and the skills I learn are of limited use. We didn't go out for drinks though it was discussed. We have parties sometimes, and I'm welcome and invited (vs. allowed to tag along), but I notice that many friendships have blossomed between members of the class. I have not hung out socially with anyone from that group outside of a group setting. I'd like to. I wonder why - is it because I was always running off to study? Is it because I'm like 10 or more years older than everyone else (but I still feel 25 and act 17?)? <-- nested question marks!? Do I have a pheromone that makes people stay away, or am I just still socially retarded and unaware of behaviors I engage in which drive folks away? Is my social retardedness something that can be unlearned, if so is it too late, or is it just a genetic trait? Should I not consider breeding due to this important weakness, because I'd be unable to provide the proper genetic sequence for the skill or teach the skill at a formative age due to my own weakness?

Maybe I just like people in the abstract, and the real thing is too different or too burdensome to be fun.

Comments

[judgefudge.livejournal.com]

Humans are 99.98% identical genetically. In fact, there is more variation genetically among a single troop of chimpanzees (about 20-50 individuals) then among the entirety of the human species. I doubt your social awkwardness is genetic.

Only you can answer questions about whether or not it's still worth it to yourself to be outgoing (as an extravert, I'm always going to say it's worth trying). Likewise, only you could decide whether or not you should not breed (for what it's worth, I think you would raise a master race of diminutive curmudgeons, whose social awkwardness will lead them to live underground in the dark. And their short, broad builds and ascerbic wits will allow them to live underground and undermine buildings as well as intellectual stances. Yes. Jose, progenitor of the Grumpy Mole People.)

But, logically speaking, the etiology of your concern is almost certainly learned and not genetic.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

They are doing more and more study about genetic components of social skills though, and autism and other social issues seem to have genetic bases. Where social skills fail me, there is always booze!

[judgefudge.livejournal.com]

I suggest you do some reading on Highly Sensitive People. I think autism spectrum disorders are the 21st century equivalent of hysteria (the medical condition). I think, as fundamentally prey animals, primates have a wide array of "sensitivity settings". Some are highly sensitive, flighty or at least easily dismayed, and not prone to social gregariousness; these are the scouts of the troop, the watchdogs. Others are sensation seekers, brash and a little oblivious; they are the trailblazers. Most fall in between. I think autism proper is an extreme case of this spectrum, but a lot of diagnoses like asperger's (or "pop aspergers," which has replaced fibromyalgia and lyme disease as Self Diagnosis Du Jour of fat livejournal using attention whores) are really just turning a natural tendency into a pathology.

But yeah. Highly Sensitive People. Check it out. Easily googlable.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Very nice bust on the medical / psyc modern hysteria. It used to be when we didn't know what something was, we called it schizo.

I also note that every weakness I have has made me stronger in another area. As soon as I get tall I'm going to be quite formidable.

[samaritan1975.livejournal.com]

You know, I understand what you're saying. I posted an LJ entry some time ago about how I don't know people as well as I think I do- which blossomed into a bit of a diatribe over how it seems like I don't develop the dynamics in most social instances (boxing/MMA class, work, etc.) to 'hang out' with people outside of that particular instance. So I wouldn't say it's something that's unique to you, for what it's worth.

As for the mention of Craigslist- I should follow your lead. After-Xmas offloading sounds like a prime way of finding some nice stuff. :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Yay - a fellow social retard :) Most of my friends are social retards...

I love the after-holiday shopping. This is a particularly good year for it too, as almost everyone is upgrading to a flat screen for from a flat screen to hd, or from 50 to 60"...computers are always being upped.

[eac.livejournal.com]

*Hand up* I am also a social retard.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I could never tell coz you're hawt...

[eac.livejournal.com]

I think not much was asked of us at clubs.

[samaritan1975.livejournal.com]

The oddity of it is that my wife is the other extreme- totally gregarious, social butterfly. I swear, EVERYWHERE we go in Northern VA, she runs into someone she knows. It's become a bit of an inside joke with us. :)

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

I will try to be more abstract. :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Why can't you be more like the movies?
Why can't I?! ;P

No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!

[novaya-zemlya.livejournal.com]

....I want my movie to be beatiful, not realistic....

[telie13.livejournal.com]

J I do find your writing very interesting, FWIW.

Do you remember on Saturday I said you were like a Water Lily?

This is why.

Beware frogs

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I do but the meaning has utterly escaped me. Let's babble in person later :)

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

Hey! I meant to call you yesterday, but after sitting in traffic for two hours yesterday evening, I wasn't in the mood for any type of conversation. Asia Monday?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

No issue on the phone - I was just callin'

Oh neat! I likes this idea - hell we could even be weird if we're all off and do lunch. Yes, and I'm flexible on details!

[cobwellac.livejournal.com]

I forgot we have Monday off. Let's plan lunch, then!

you're not alone...

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

the whole social thing sounds a lot like when we were in school together - would either of us actually have gotten to know anyone not in our classes were it not for the radio station? i know i sure as hell wouldn't have, and with a few exceptions i didn't really get to know people at all

and all those years spent going to trax/posers/etc i never really talked to anyone until i started dating zooom and had to learn how to be more social or be left behind - at least that was one good thing that came out of our relationship :)

of course i still suck at talking to strangers, and social lubricants are always a good thing - but i am better than i used to be and i have at least made a few friends out here

Re: you're not alone...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Dead on point. I actually did make friends (*cough* and lovers) in college, but it was in the dorms. That's a lot of why I stayed in the dorms - I loved the social atmosphere. But the longest lasting friends, like YOU :), were from the radio station.

I feel weird that I don't have old college buds. I have been to college 4 times though.

[railwaymadness]

I could never box - my whole interest in the sport seems to be staring at my own calves in the mirror.

This is one of the best explanations for sports that I have ever heard. People always say crap about "team spirit" or "the good kind of tired" and I'm all "WTH?" But narcissism, this I understand.

My only real "college bud" I met at Tracks. We happened to be going to the same university but would never have met on campus.

As for why you haven't formed any deep attachments to your boxing cohorts, I'm sure your always having been busy plays a role but my instinct would be that an interest in boxing just isn't a very good selection mechanism for finding people you're likely to be good friends with.