vicarz | (no subject)

I'm losing fat, or hope I am because my breath is disgusting if the taste in my mouth is any indicator. No mouthwash, brush, or mint seems to help. Acetone? Yesterday the scale said 135.2 in the evening, then 137.4. The mirror says I'm fat so I'm reducing caloric intake. I missed some workouts.

The nurses seem to keep their distance. They work 3 12-hour shifts in a row, then are rotated to different patients. They act distanced to friends and family - friendly, helpful, but I've never had one engage in conversation. I don't blame them - like a rebound lover, feelings towards them would be more likely based on the health of the relative/friend than real. I know I wouldn't want to face the love OR wrath of families who lost their loved ones, and the faces they saw every day included my own. Do I like that nurse as a person, or was she here on a good-health day? Would I hate the nurse from the day he died? The doctor? The janitor who cleaned up the mess? I fight the urge to bake them cookies for the group, though I did pimp truffles to them for a few weeks.

It is taking everything not to drink right now. Not just alcohol, but coffee or coke, anything with any drug that might affect my mood. I can't see a single positive thing in the future, I don't even see a future, so I look back and don't like what I see - all the good memories are bad memories with what I know today. Funny, with my dad gone I don't know who I'd call for late-night jail bails, hospital emergencies, or even a ride to the airport. Who do I trust with money, with life/death, or my legal issues?

Dad's got a fever again, he still has that antibiotic resistant bug thingy, and they can't get him off the vent - he is not eliminating CO2 from his system on his own. The hospital has basically said they think they've done all they can for him. I've been to the hospital every day since about August 14.

Funny, when I was finishing law school I looked forward to the ability to read for recreation again. Now, when I'm in the hospital for hours a day with my unconscious relative, I read a metric ton for lack of anything else to do. He doesn't want the radio, tv, or music on much anymore. I wished I had the time to spend with someone close to me. Be careful what you wish for. God or not, irony is a powerful mistress.

Tomorrow I go to Canada and see Kel, thank cheese. Hopefully seeing nothing that reminds me of home, recent past, family, or any of that will help me break the mood - no reminders. The other thing is that it's still warm in Toronto, which is good because the entire city is full of hotties that walk around naked. Seriously - it's like a legal nudist paradise, Canada. They have concrete, but if you break glass the penalties are serious jail time (due to so many people being barefoot). I may just sit in a coffee cafe with Kel and watch naked people walk by.