(no subject)

[vicarz]

So I have this lil tragedy going on in my life, but I've been noticing weird things about how other people react to me when they know about it. People are crawling out of the woodwork with offers "if you need anything." I think I understand that, and it's sweet. People who don't know or like me very well find my situation compelling, and feel the need to reach out. It's like they see a sad puppy look and want to cuddle it. I believe each person who has done so has been completely sincere.

That urge is, in reality, completely insane. Can you imagine someone, in their hour of crisis, forgoing their existing network of real friends and family to reach out to someone who doesn't call them on the phone, go out to eat with them, who never tasted their bodily fluids, never moved furniture or asked to move theirs, and who has never come to them with a crisis of their own? I mean, why would I trust someone who isn't even a friend, or a good friend, when I'm dealing with something real? You know what would be fun? Taking up one of these near-stranger-acquaintances on their generous offer. If only I had done more theatre, I could call one up and desperately beg to talk - meet them in person and bawl into their chest like a 2 year old, blowing salt and snot into their shirt. Can you imagine the "oh shit" on their face? That would be hilarious.

I'm not saying if I'm not your friend now I never will be, either. I've been hard to be friends with for the last few years, I know. I would like to make new and interesting friends here and there, perhaps swap bodily fluids, and even renew or strengthen old ties. If your interest is in making friends or growing together more, dandy, but for many there are other ways and other times that might be more appropriate.

A hint - this is more from the office and gym: if someone has crap they're going through, don't ask them how they're doing. If you know their situation, don't ask about it. Say hello, do the other senseless greetings, if you must - say they can ask if they need anything but leave it alone and distant when you're done (we're talking coworkers and acquaintances here). My boss told me if I needed any leave I had it, he considers family the priority, and he'd be flexible with any work-at-home arrangements I wanted. That was cool and appropriate. My coworker asked me "How's your dad doing?" Crappy! Oh. Isn't he getting better? No, worse. Much. Oh. Silence... See, now that was just stupid. She knew he was in the hospital, and I was here talking to no one. What are the odd this would be a good conversation? Stoofoo!

When you have shit going on, the last thing you want to do is repeatedly relate the story to others. It sucks to think about it, more to tell others about it. You have family you have to tell about it, and friends you can tell about it. You don't give a shit what similar experience coworkers or acquaintances went through. At least I don't. I guess they don't know about WAH LJ!

Comments

[kuanyin00.livejournal.com]

well, I like you, and I'm sorry your situation is severely emotionally exhaustive. If you're ever up in the B-more area, though, let me know :-)

and I know you'll be okay, because people are generally always okay, but that doesn't mean you aren't in my (or anyone's) thoughts.

xo, take care of yourself.

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

Theory #1 (of too many to count)
People reach out, often, not out of empathy but out of a desire to inoculate themselves against misfortune. The offer to help is sincere, but the urge to help share your pain, trauma, emotion, or *weight* is so that the malformed shadow of unluck passes them by--sort of an emotional/superstitious "fucked by association" cover.

Now, speaking for myself, I do not always offer to comfort or help--I'm all too aware that there are many events and things that I am not emotionally or intellectually equipped to deal with and it would be a distraction, therefore not much help. Just sayin'

The ones I hate? Those who offer to help--and intensely get in there with you--solely to pull in the drama and wrap it around themselves, as though this will give them more depth and gravitas from which to draw later, especially with those who have heard about events but weren't there...many of whom "me too" on LJ.

You--I figure you ask for help when you need it; your ploy for an "attaboy" or "poor baby" are different and so far very separate from actual problems with which you could use support.

[eac.livejournal.com]

Good lord, you have an ugly view of the universe.

But I agree with vicar - at best one should offer help with work load if one can and otherwise shut up. There's nothing like screwing up your guts to get work done and having someone force you to refocus on the bad constantly.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I like his ugly view, shock.

I just saw a pregnant woman coming back from the farmer's market. I said "Stealing a cantelope, I see." In short, I'm going to hell.

[eac.livejournal.com]

"I like his ugly view, shock."

No shock, there. :)

As someone who was recently pregnant, I can only say that she'll have to get used to these comments if she hasn't already. But you're still going to hell.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I never get tired of affirmation about my boobs. Whoo!

[sparklypoof.livejournal.com]

man, you have a nice body. it makes me happy just thinking about it. :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Ditto with the boobs, ma'am. I also muchly like the fact you have a guy considerate enough to supply you with zombie defense provisions!

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

I had a similar experience when Bagel died. Strangers were crawling out of the woodwork offering me help and support and anything I needed, and it was completely absurd.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Oh god that was hideous. I'm sorry to say I tell stories to this day about some of the dreadful parasitic behavior I saw over that event. The offers must have been especially annoying - can't even imagine how offensive after what I saw. I'm sorry you had to deal with that crap on top of all else.

Your mention of "teenaged girl's bagel shrine" the other day had me rofflecoperting though.

[pictsy.livejournal.com]

You'd be even more shocked at how his family behaved. His ex wife and sister are both terrifying!

[ashbet]

I had the same slightly cringe-y reaction to virtual strangers asking me all kinds of questions and offering to help . . . I will admit that having friends and friendly acquaintances reach out was touching, though. Even though I haven't really "needed anything" in the three weeks since my Dad passed away, it's been nice to know that people care, and that they are there if I need to reach out or . . . whatever.

-- A <3

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Vodka and dumb movies seem to work for me.

Yeah, about that

[fenriss.livejournal.com]

http://fenriss.livejournal.com/161531.html

Re: Yeah, about that

[vicar.livejournal.com]

HOMIGAWD WHY WONT' YOU LEAVE ME ALONE!?
teeheeheh

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

Although I am a whole heartedly fan of hatin' it seems... I'll have to say I think many people just feel more comfortable when there is a _real_ tragedy that they can react to.

Just like, when I was living in LA, when the earthquake occured all of a sudden neighbours were talking with each other, knocking on doors to check if everyone was okay in our complex. It was a tragedy. Someone that surged a sense of empathy.

I think their comments of "if you need anything" is just as simple as "how are you?" in passing. Its proper form. Its also, when I say it to aquaintences: "if _I_ can help you with anything", which indicates that its possible there is something only _i_ can do due to proximity or ability and that that is offered out there.

Of course there are just people that LEAP at a tragedy for their own pimpin'

--kelowna

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Oh dear, that is true. I hadn't thought of it like that, but that is far more compelling when we're not hating life. People do pull together over a common enemy or tragedy.

I'm totally using this to get popular though, duh.

[samaritan1975.livejournal.com]

Well, I won't go on to say "If you need anything...", but I will say that I sympathize (all too well, lately), and hope for peace and solace for you and your family.

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

See, now, when/if I say "if there's anything I can do", what I really mean is, if there is ever a time you're in the mood to get hopped up on fatty chocolately ice cream and snark about passers by, I'm STANDING BY. ICE CREAM PUSHERS ARE STANDING BY.

Just saying.

Crisis is a bonding opportunity, tho. Whether it's merely validation (see, I do mean something to him, he was able to come to me when he needed something), or for comfort (two lost souls reaching out), or any of a host of other motivations- well, we are weird. And animal. etc.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

but you're a real friend, one who has the same substance abuse problem and pusher that I do. Of course I'm really pissed off about all those stupid models trying to get into my pants...

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

Maybe you should not talk to me about your problems then since with my memory I don't remember sharing problems with you. I do have one that when you have less going on I may ask you about, but it is nothing important. It has to do with my brain being 11 and everything else 31.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Aw baby, ask me anytime about anything. You've always been there for me, whether you remember it or not. I do.

Hey, if you memory is bad I may especially want to talk to you about my problems - maybe I want you to forget ;P Anyway, this was more about people who aren't friends, and you are a good friend so it's not about you. I was just being silly.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I know you were being silly. I was being silly back. I don't remember being a good friend to you, but I know you've always been one to me.

I think you know my memory is bad since I don't remember most of my adult life. I'll probably e-mail you to ask you about my new weirdness. Either that or I might call you soon. I know you will be able to help me understand myself. You know me better than I do.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I'd go that far - I'm not a good people reader, whether I'm a good friend or not. Feel free to email/call though - I'll do whatever I can.

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

You may not be a good people reader, but you remember more about the old me than I'll probably ever remember. It's ok though. I mostly like the new me. I'll probably either call you or e-mail you tomorrow. I'll see what time I have because I think that the bees in my books stole my brain and put it somewhere that I can't find it. I'd like to get it back so if you see any bees ask them for it.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Will do unless they're the bugs from the evil demon noratu (as seen in InuYasha)

[cweaselle.livejournal.com]

I don't know what those bugs are, but the bees are the African kind that are making clones of themself that take over the other kinds of bees. I think I've got too much research done and that I need to get these books out of my head.