(no subject)
Jun. 10th, 2007 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
I don't have natural ability. I don't have strength, size, speed, instinct, or good recognition of cues. I did have anger, but that only works in spurts and is easily interrupted. Only one thing works that I know of, in the long term - dull senseless resolve. If I think about it, I can't do any more. I'm too stupid for this material. I'm too slow for this fight. I can make myself angry and get out a rep, maybe a set...but that doesn't last. Anger is better than giving up, but not by much.
Somehow you just resolve yourself to your fate. You find not-thinking, just plodding on. Turning off pleasure and pain and just finding work. It's the only thing that works, that can work, in the long-run. Dull resolve is immune to happy, immune to sad, knows no further discouragement, needs no encouragement...it just goes.
I watched a fighter the other night who had skill but lacked heart against a skill-free fighter with size and heart. They fought to a stalemate. I was shocked that with so much at stake the more skilled fighter was just resting and breathing heavy. Then I found myself hurting in the gym and not putting all I had into it. I heard my criticism and found that simple ability to do one more, over and over. Today I ran 4 miles, THEN lifted weights. I couldn't do it - it was too hard. I slowed, I crawled, but I kept going. That 4 miles nearly took me out, not that it should have, but for some reason today it hurt. I just kept going, fast when I could, steady when I couldn't. Then I did the weights - never felt like I could do it, but I kept pushing myself to try. I might not have hit 10 reps each time, but I hit the bench and kept going.
It's all I know that works. Long-term, no emotion wins. Only dead dull resolve.
Somehow you just resolve yourself to your fate. You find not-thinking, just plodding on. Turning off pleasure and pain and just finding work. It's the only thing that works, that can work, in the long-run. Dull resolve is immune to happy, immune to sad, knows no further discouragement, needs no encouragement...it just goes.
I watched a fighter the other night who had skill but lacked heart against a skill-free fighter with size and heart. They fought to a stalemate. I was shocked that with so much at stake the more skilled fighter was just resting and breathing heavy. Then I found myself hurting in the gym and not putting all I had into it. I heard my criticism and found that simple ability to do one more, over and over. Today I ran 4 miles, THEN lifted weights. I couldn't do it - it was too hard. I slowed, I crawled, but I kept going. That 4 miles nearly took me out, not that it should have, but for some reason today it hurt. I just kept going, fast when I could, steady when I couldn't. Then I did the weights - never felt like I could do it, but I kept pushing myself to try. I might not have hit 10 reps each time, but I hit the bench and kept going.
It's all I know that works. Long-term, no emotion wins. Only dead dull resolve.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 02:33 pm (UTC)you are not alone. almost anyone who's taken the bar can tell you that it's an endurance test, not an actual knowledge test.
seriously. and hell - so is most of life. :p
-S
no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 03:13 pm (UTC)Actually, even though I just scored another 18/36 on a property MS portion, combined with my other scores I seem to be at a passing level right now. I'm not about to stop working, but I have no doubt that by the time of the exam I'll almost certainly pass. Good god though...lots of work. It's like exam week - only for 8.
no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 03:20 pm (UTC)-S
no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 03:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-06-11 03:32 pm (UTC)Duty of my work would similarly fall short if I thought about who benefitted from my labors. I can negate the object of the duty too quickly. No, my plodding has no object and can't be rationalized away - hence its utility to me. Habit would probably work as well.
Sounds familiar
Date: 2007-06-11 11:51 pm (UTC)