(no subject)

[vicarz]

I don't have natural ability. I don't have strength, size, speed, instinct, or good recognition of cues. I did have anger, but that only works in spurts and is easily interrupted. Only one thing works that I know of, in the long term - dull senseless resolve. If I think about it, I can't do any more. I'm too stupid for this material. I'm too slow for this fight. I can make myself angry and get out a rep, maybe a set...but that doesn't last. Anger is better than giving up, but not by much.

Somehow you just resolve yourself to your fate. You find not-thinking, just plodding on. Turning off pleasure and pain and just finding work. It's the only thing that works, that can work, in the long-run. Dull resolve is immune to happy, immune to sad, knows no further discouragement, needs no encouragement...it just goes.

I watched a fighter the other night who had skill but lacked heart against a skill-free fighter with size and heart. They fought to a stalemate. I was shocked that with so much at stake the more skilled fighter was just resting and breathing heavy. Then I found myself hurting in the gym and not putting all I had into it. I heard my criticism and found that simple ability to do one more, over and over. Today I ran 4 miles, THEN lifted weights. I couldn't do it - it was too hard. I slowed, I crawled, but I kept going. That 4 miles nearly took me out, not that it should have, but for some reason today it hurt. I just kept going, fast when I could, steady when I couldn't. Then I did the weights - never felt like I could do it, but I kept pushing myself to try. I might not have hit 10 reps each time, but I hit the bench and kept going.

It's all I know that works. Long-term, no emotion wins. Only dead dull resolve.

Comments

[blindtillnow.livejournal.com]

jose,

you are not alone. almost anyone who's taken the bar can tell you that it's an endurance test, not an actual knowledge test.

seriously. and hell - so is most of life. :p

-S

[vicar.livejournal.com]

The gym and the bar requiring the same discipline. Once I thought that with an iron maiden song on I could win any fight...

Actually, even though I just scored another 18/36 on a property MS portion, combined with my other scores I seem to be at a passing level right now. I'm not about to stop working, but I have no doubt that by the time of the exam I'll almost certainly pass. Good god though...lots of work. It's like exam week - only for 8.

[blindtillnow.livejournal.com]

like so much in life, i think i only did enough work to pass by a few points. *chuckle*

-S

[panthergirl.livejournal.com]

I used to call that 'dead dull resolve' by the pretty word 'duty' because that's what works for me. I like thinking about what works for you in this, it's a different perspective, and perhaps a better word choice.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Duty wouldn't work for me. In the gym the duty is who whom - my lover or myself? I can talk myself out of a duty to either pretty quickly. "Love me for who I am, not what I look like" Load of unmotivated BS that could result in justifying me looking like jabba.

Duty of my work would similarly fall short if I thought about who benefitted from my labors. I can negate the object of the duty too quickly. No, my plodding has no object and can't be rationalized away - hence its utility to me. Habit would probably work as well.

Sounds familiar

[coronalrain.livejournal.com]

Whenever people hear what I did in school, there first reaction is wow you must be smart. In reality I'm not. I am just damn stubborn and persistent. Once I set my mind to something that's it, I will accomplish it no matter what. It was the same with dance. My body is not a dancer's body and it never was. My teacher told me I would never get on pointe shoes, but I pushed and forced and trained and I got there. In the end natural born skill or smarts only accounts for part of things. Determination is really what matters.