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Jun. 10th, 2007 08:32 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI don't have natural ability. I don't have strength, size, speed, instinct, or good recognition of cues. I did have anger, but that only works in spurts and is easily interrupted. Only one thing works that I know of, in the long term - dull senseless resolve. If I think about it, I can't do any more. I'm too stupid for this material. I'm too slow for this fight. I can make myself angry and get out a rep, maybe a set...but that doesn't last. Anger is better than giving up, but not by much.
Somehow you just resolve yourself to your fate. You find not-thinking, just plodding on. Turning off pleasure and pain and just finding work. It's the only thing that works, that can work, in the long-run. Dull resolve is immune to happy, immune to sad, knows no further discouragement, needs no encouragement...it just goes.
I watched a fighter the other night who had skill but lacked heart against a skill-free fighter with size and heart. They fought to a stalemate. I was shocked that with so much at stake the more skilled fighter was just resting and breathing heavy. Then I found myself hurting in the gym and not putting all I had into it. I heard my criticism and found that simple ability to do one more, over and over. Today I ran 4 miles, THEN lifted weights. I couldn't do it - it was too hard. I slowed, I crawled, but I kept going. That 4 miles nearly took me out, not that it should have, but for some reason today it hurt. I just kept going, fast when I could, steady when I couldn't. Then I did the weights - never felt like I could do it, but I kept pushing myself to try. I might not have hit 10 reps each time, but I hit the bench and kept going.
It's all I know that works. Long-term, no emotion wins. Only dead dull resolve.
Somehow you just resolve yourself to your fate. You find not-thinking, just plodding on. Turning off pleasure and pain and just finding work. It's the only thing that works, that can work, in the long-run. Dull resolve is immune to happy, immune to sad, knows no further discouragement, needs no encouragement...it just goes.
I watched a fighter the other night who had skill but lacked heart against a skill-free fighter with size and heart. They fought to a stalemate. I was shocked that with so much at stake the more skilled fighter was just resting and breathing heavy. Then I found myself hurting in the gym and not putting all I had into it. I heard my criticism and found that simple ability to do one more, over and over. Today I ran 4 miles, THEN lifted weights. I couldn't do it - it was too hard. I slowed, I crawled, but I kept going. That 4 miles nearly took me out, not that it should have, but for some reason today it hurt. I just kept going, fast when I could, steady when I couldn't. Then I did the weights - never felt like I could do it, but I kept pushing myself to try. I might not have hit 10 reps each time, but I hit the bench and kept going.
It's all I know that works. Long-term, no emotion wins. Only dead dull resolve.
