vicarz | (no subject)

That was my last official law school class - a review session in employment law. Someone brought 2 cases of miller lite in and passed them out. I declined, based on the brand of beer. Today, all day, I knew my last law school class (before the bar) was tonight.

I ran updates on my spybot, virus, adaware, and MS during the review. The session ended prior to me finishing up, so I stayed in the class while everyone left, reflecting. I felt alone when I started law school. One of the reasons I felt like doing it was to try something new socially. I was feeling socially retarded and lonely, and wondered if I could ever really make friends. Every relationship ended in one form of disaster or another, usually with a cup of shame to boot. I thought perhaps a different group of people might work out. I thought I might meet someone and date. I thought it might be easy.

Instead I realize - I'm not just socially retarded, but I seem to be stuck this way. I care enough to be bothered by it, but not enough to change - or I lack the facilities to change. This is why I say part of me understands Cho - what good are social ties, good in society, the positive of mankind - when your only experience is as an audience member? I also learned I'm not as smart as I might like to be - that I have to work exceptionally hard to catch up with others, and I never really catch up even when I kill myself. There are people doing what I do in half the time and half the effort. Even at my hardest effort, I make mistakes.

Some of my classmates are already tan.

I shouldn't have gone. I didn't make friends. I didn't date. I didn't really learn, except to be more humble and depressed. I leanred more problems and weaknesses I have, and that all my strengths are just compensating mechanisms for weaknesses. Perhaps I learned that I'm a failure and will always be so - a good lesson to prevent having hopes in the first place. There are so many different types of people there, but I still didn't fit in. I thought I might have made one friend there, but she's stopped writing. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a wierdo. What the hell was I doing there? I didn't belong there.