(no subject)

[vicarz]

That was my last official law school class - a review session in employment law. Someone brought 2 cases of miller lite in and passed them out. I declined, based on the brand of beer. Today, all day, I knew my last law school class (before the bar) was tonight.

I ran updates on my spybot, virus, adaware, and MS during the review. The session ended prior to me finishing up, so I stayed in the class while everyone left, reflecting. I felt alone when I started law school. One of the reasons I felt like doing it was to try something new socially. I was feeling socially retarded and lonely, and wondered if I could ever really make friends. Every relationship ended in one form of disaster or another, usually with a cup of shame to boot. I thought perhaps a different group of people might work out. I thought I might meet someone and date. I thought it might be easy.

Instead I realize - I'm not just socially retarded, but I seem to be stuck this way. I care enough to be bothered by it, but not enough to change - or I lack the facilities to change. This is why I say part of me understands Cho - what good are social ties, good in society, the positive of mankind - when your only experience is as an audience member? I also learned I'm not as smart as I might like to be - that I have to work exceptionally hard to catch up with others, and I never really catch up even when I kill myself. There are people doing what I do in half the time and half the effort. Even at my hardest effort, I make mistakes.

Some of my classmates are already tan.

I shouldn't have gone. I didn't make friends. I didn't date. I didn't really learn, except to be more humble and depressed. I leanred more problems and weaknesses I have, and that all my strengths are just compensating mechanisms for weaknesses. Perhaps I learned that I'm a failure and will always be so - a good lesson to prevent having hopes in the first place. There are so many different types of people there, but I still didn't fit in. I thought I might have made one friend there, but she's stopped writing. I wish I was special, but I'm a creep. I'm a wierdo. What the hell was I doing there? I didn't belong there.

Comments

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I think I ended my post by quoting Beck.

Eh, it's a feeling and I gave it reign. I have to remember what inspired me in the first place, as I tend to get wrapped up in where I am and lose perspective.

[pastor-saturn.livejournal.com]

I think I ended my post by quoting Beck.

Radiohead, you silly man.

[blindtillnow.livejournal.com]

shut up you whiny bitch. you've just doubled (if not tripled) your lifetime earning potential.

all i have to say is...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMvMzQ4Vu-8&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Flj%2Dtoys%2Ecom%2F%3Fjournalid%3D4381320%26moduleid%3D1%26auth%5Ftoken%3Dsessionless%3A1177383600%3Aembedcontent%3A4381320%2526

-S

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Wow...so if a goth speaks like a valley girl it's emo? I thought it was just indie with an attitude. Sigh...I'm behind again. I gues...i'll...never...be-long...

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

random thoughts:

some of your classmates have passes to the strip mall tanning shop.

"Cho" has always meant Margaret, to me. I wonder if I'll ever be able to refer to her without confusion again.

It's going to be hard to make friends in that environment, I think- the personality types that are drawn to law school tend to be somewhat focused and insular. And you maintained work the entire time, which means that you didn't have time to socialize with your existing friends. making new friends requires even more of an investment of time than the periodic maintenance of established relationships.

You might be a wierdo, but you're a loveable one ;-)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Oh dear...yeah I'm a Cho lover. I still quote her "Gay pride? Bi pride? What about slut pride? Where's my march?" speech.

[end-fate.livejournal.com]

You're not a failure because you're not like other people. You strike me as more of an observer. I prefer to observe AND mingle, if only to get closer to the subject I'm observing.

Scientific minds! Think about it!

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I observe and like to, but also wanna play. And by play I mean sleep with all the cute ones.

Unrealistic demands beget dissatisfaction with the results... ;P

[kuanyin00.livejournal.com]

working on perception is never a loss. School is useful for that sort of thing - blowing perception wide open.

if you're able to step back and objectively perceive your goals/reasons for attending, that alone is a gain. most people walk through life blind.

Congratulations on completing your academic requirements :-)

[pennan.livejournal.com]

Congrats on following through and completing school while holding down a full time job. I agree with blindtillnow's sentiment too. ;-)

BTW, I think you're great because you are unique and make such wonderful observations and have this incredible perspective on things that you share freely and eloquently.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I admit the chalk anal-ogies made me giggle like a middle-school cheerleader.
(from the video link)