(no subject)

[vicarz]

I know I've done a few religious rants lately, but I've been stuck in a series of serious debates on the subject. I can't say that I understand much about the nature of god, but one series of logical exchanges has forced me to admit one fact - zombies prove that god exists.

I mean zombies just make no fucking sense. You could sort of imagine how they kept going when they were just slow zombies. Perhaps a virus makes people change so drastically that they turn into zombies, moving slow but having the advantage of sludging their blood. The slow motion seems a negative side effect to a positive trait - they are unlikely to bleed to death with either super-clotting properties in the blood or simply slower blood flow. They seemed to do the impossible, but you could imagine how this was possible.

One thing I never understood was the vast numbers that turned into zombies. I mean if zombies are supposed to be eating people, how do they wind up turning so many others into zombies? One minute you see your former lover being pac-man chomped on by a hoard of zombies - then the bastard comes back to haunt you as a shell of his former self. What, is a non-zombie only a tasty treat to a zombie for the first couple of bites? And how do they keep finding us - I mean at least now we've seen people fake being zombies and get away with it, but then if zombies can see and recognize non-zombies, AND if zombies pursue non-zombies (a good disease-spreading trait), why can't they perform remedial tasks like turning doorknobs?

Now they have fast zombies. This just makes no sense at all. I mean the disease model of zombies seems to really be taking hold, but the idea that zombies just keep going and going...they lose limbs, major organs, and somehow react the same as a very energetic non-zombie. How is this possible? The exchange of oxygen that we know of as life simply does not support any of the activities we see zombies engaged in today. In short, they are impossible by every known type of science. This is before you go into the non-zombie detection and food requirements. Logic is blown out the window - zombies don't eat dogs or rats?

In short, zombies prove the existence of god. Now the only problem seems to be proving the existence of zombies...

Comments

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

In my opinion zombies only prove the existance of god if you go by certain theories of how zombies form. I mean sure the whole "when there's no more room in hell the dead shall walk the earth" theory would point to the existance of god, as would a curse of some sort. However I don't see how the whole zombies formed by a virus, or radioactive waste, or um...being permanatly trapped in a state of rage would validate gods existance. Nor would the implied cause of "Shaun of the Dead" where basically our lifestyles practically have already made us into zombies.

For the record slow zombies are the only true zombies. These new fangled fast zombies are poseurs. The zombie plague spreads so fast because of a few reasons. It only takes a bite to spread the plague. So even if you manage to out walk the herd of slow zombies, if they nibble on you ever so slightly then you're screwed. Also, zombies are notoriously ADD. So sure maybe they kill you and start to munch on your juicy sweet brains (or whatever) but then BAM shiny object! And they wander off leaving your half gnawed corpse with plenty of limbs to be reanimated.

As for oxygyn it's common knowledge that zombies photosynthesize and therefore don't NEED your sissy breathing techniques. And the reason that zombies don't eat rats or dogs and instead prefer tasty human flesh is because we are so packed full of preservatives from the food we eat that we're the natural choice for the youth obsessed zombies who want to stay preserved for as long as possible.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

To me zombies prove god because they are so illogical as to refute much of what I know of science. Perhaps science can explain them, but at this point the odds seem against it.

Again, the biochemical transmutations required to move from a omnivorous creature to one that photosynthesizes is just too grand a leap to take place in the hours we see zombie-itus. Plus we see them in sewers and whatnot, places where such processes are unlikely to produce energy.

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

Actually I was just making the photosynthesis up because I think photosynthesis is cool. :)

If simply being illogical is enough to prove the existance of god to you, then wouldn't the behavior of much of this country have already been enough to convince you? :)

Honestly right now I just adore you for posting about zombies and making my morning more happy and amusing. :)

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Well I was just trying to make a rational argument based on the funny thought "Zombies make no sense, therefore zombies prove there is a force outside of science" and I really liked the idea of "Zombies prove the existence of god. Now the only problem is proving the existence of zombies." That made me giggle.

The rest of it I threw together like a freshman term paper.

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

It made me giggle as well. Because zombies truely are real ultimate power. Or um, something like that. But hopefully you won't prove the existance of zombies. Because god knows I have enough sleepless nights being afraid of them as is, and at the moment they remain an amusing shuffling horde of mythy goodness.

I have issues...

[ex-dasboot.livejournal.com]

"Now the only problem seems to be proving the existence of zombies..."

But I thought you already had an office job?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

[joanarkham.livejournal.com]

You really need to read this.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I really miss reading for recreaction. That looks super cool...perhaps he'll tackle the "Is it a good idea to hide from zombies in a graveyard" debate.

[joanarkham.livejournal.com]

He does! It's very thorough.

(And yes, since zombies don't really "rise from the grave" it's perfectly save to hide in a cemetery.)

[pastor-saturn.livejournal.com]

This is Chris's new favorite book! :) It has loads of very sensible advice.

[oontzgrrl.livejournal.com]

That book is so awesome.

[desiringmachine.livejournal.com]

The only zombies I've seen are on the late night infomercials for 'Worship Now!' and other contemporary Xtian 'music' compliations. Just check out the audience shots - they sway and shuffle, their eyes are glazed, their arms are thrust out in Frankenstein like rigor, they moan in comprehensibly...obvious zombies.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Yeah, those are scary commercials and peeps. I see them with their hands clasped and their waving back and forth in illusion...it's truly sad. What is more alarming is that there are enough of them to be a force worth marketing towards...then again there is also an audience for infomercials.

[desiringmachine.livejournal.com]

I've been hearing for a couple years about the booming Christian rock market, and yet when I worked in a bookstore it was still just 2 shelf units, never even full - and not because people were buying it. We never got enough in to fill it up. No demand.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Good - perhaps there is hope...no wait, they elected Bush. I think the people who are speaking about the booming market are the ones pushing the idiocy.

[desiringmachine.livejournal.com]

I think they've hit their peak. Not like they'll ever admit it.