Negativity

[vicarz]

I think it's absurd to ignore negativity. It's absurd to turn a blind eye to it. It's great to focus on the positive, it's wonderful to keep the negativity from dragging you down, it's important to avoid the cycle of engaging in negativity mentally and with the actual activity in which you engage on a daily basis.

However, it's not a good idea to just avoid negativity entirely. Guess what? People don't like each other! People say mean things about one another. Bad things happen to people. How it's done may carry a different effect: if I talk about stabbing someone in their eye, is that much different that noting they are irresponsible with money? If I call them a whore, is that different than theorizing out loud about their physical health? I don't think it's more polite to dance around talking about people's faults - why not express how you feel? Negativity is found in many words, some just more veiled than others - some actions more than others. Avoidance too, is negativity in action. There is a certain level of catharsis in negativity - healthy stuff. You could drive yourself into a neurotic ball by only smiling and turning away from all the horrible things in the world.

To be positive you need to face the negative.

Jebus - be honest with others and yourself. You don’t have to tell your friends not to be friends with people you don't like, but at the same time there is nothing wrong with loudly saying "Oh I fucking hate that bitch!" There is a time and a place for everything, but there is a certain strength in honesty. Express it for fuck's sake!

At least I don't meet many of those types - luckily most of my friends listen to gothic, industrial, and punk rock. That very musical taste is a strong focus on the negative - shouting, angry lyrics, societal complaints, political rants, and all sorts of highly productive negative banter. Perhaps there are people who have had such a sunny life, or that have such a disposition, that they only see the positive things. Perhaps they see the whole picture, but instead focus on the positive. That's as alien to me as three legs. If it does exist, that's just dandy, but when I hear people espouse this view I get skeptical. I don't shun it, but as a rule I don't encounter people who are so alien to the focus on dark subjects. Rather, many of my darkest, most morbid, most negative friends are the most fun, happy, and joyful. Hell, they're the most reliable but that's another conversation.

It's also important to prioritize your levels of negativity, where you direct them - what targets get your attacks, from which you defend, and which you avoid entirely. I have people I would very much like to stick a fork in...not in the ha-ha are they done sense, in the "you've hurt my feelings so I'm going to stick this fork into your eyeball" sense. I have had friends who have been tons of fun, but I've turned away from because overall their effect on others was negative. I don't care if someone is good to me - while they treat others like shit. You cannot run around hurting other people (on purpose) and be my friend. On the other hand, I will hold back my personal grudges with people (read: no fork) based on good politics or a general positive effect on the planet. So should everyone - pick your battles! What is important - that someone didn't say hi to you in a club, or that they work on an important political campaign? Isn't it worth taking a few slights, licking your wounded pride, to admit that overall the person who scorned you is doing something worthwhile in other parts of their life?

I'm not advocating diving into negativity as a full-time occupation. There is such a thing as too much of it, and personally I'm trying to moderate it in my life. Still - it has a place. I respect it in myself and in others, and will continue to do so. I won't ignore it, nor try to stamp it out entirely or die trying. It's part of the picture. Embrace the gestaltian beauty of negativity, that the positive is less pretty without the ugly.

If you think this post is a passive-aggressive attack against you, I'm going to ram a fork in your eye.



Afterthought: me

I posted a response to a post in which I noted that whenever you listen to someone speak, you do it while you filter the information. You know that each person has their own perspective, and take than into account when you listen to them speak.

I take full advantage of this myself. The way I think, the way I write - I both blow off emotion in my rants, and take perspectives just to see where they go. I have some ugly fucking parts of me, some really scary ugly parts. I've not had luck trying to cut them out of me, and I'd be a fucking pussy if I was able to do that anyway. What I do is give them some reign - let them loose. Everyone does or they go nuts. Think about it - I box. There is nothing pretty about walking into someone that is trying to hurt you, nothing pretty about jamming your fist under their jaw to tilt their head up, and nothing pretty about the next blow to the side of their face or head. That great exercise and friendly sport is a polite dance where the reptilian urges are channeled into a productive place. Without that anger, without the desire to smash someone in the face and watch each time and their face changes shape slightly, you're less than a person. Too much of that, and you're less than a person. It's about balance.

What was I saying? Oh yeah - I take advantage of this forum, of writing, and also of my friends. I take extreme perspectives when I write and speak. I don't lie - I believe what I am saying most of the time, though I may give reign to some part of myself to see where it goes. Eventually I come around, the energy subsides upon release, or the absurdity becomes impossible to ignore. My best friends know this, and filter appropriately.

I've watched friends trash each other, and not been offended. Anyone you spend time with you hate something about, and it's probably good to let out that frustration at some point. I've listened to someone trash someone else I knew how much they loved, but known how important it was for that love to let out the hate as well. Strong emotions beget strong emotions of all types. Remember the riddle - the opposite of love is indifference. Hate is a bedfellow.

I don't listen to someone just trash a friend, not for long. I give my friends reign, I let them take their thoughts where they will go (when I'm being a good listener, not my strong point oops). If that's all they do, and there is nothing to it but anger and/or a desire to change how I feel, well they probably won't be a friend for long. But if they engage in such because of how they feel, because talking helps them, because I know that for all their words they do care and at that a lot, I can listen all day. If it hurts me, if it drags me down and strips the energy from my body and mind, I'll listen because overall it helps everyone involved. As long as you know the real source is good, so long as you know how to filter the information, it's bearable.

Yes - if you're my friend I've said horrible things about you. I may have done it to a mutual friend, to myself, to the cat...in the gym, it might not be in words at all.

Comments

[pulsdeslebens.livejournal.com]

I agree with you whole heartedly. I don't believe in holding feelings in. I was married to someone who believed in that and it drove me nuts. They wanted me to do it and it drove me nuts even more. It was also one of the prime factors leading to the divorce among other things.

The only thing that you have to watch out with expressing negativity, and you said this, is that it's addicting. When I was in college, and high school, I was a very negative person. It was hard for me to be positive and I was depressed all of the time. My wife has known people that were very negative people that seemed to thrive off complaining and spewing verbal vomit.

I like reading your posts, and think that, generally, they're intelligent and interesting. I admire your ability and your courage to express what you are thinking at the moment. I am constantly afraid that what I'm saying might not be expressed well, or is flat out wrong and stupid.

Anyway, I'm rambling.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

You seem to come and go with writing, but you do express well those times you need/choose to. I wouldn't worry about being wrong or appearing stupid - if you never reach out you'll never know. The dumbest of us can be wise, and the smartest wrong based on what information they encounter, what arguments are tested and not.

Yeah, I definately err on the side of too negative, but I wonder if that isn't the product of a successful evolutionary strategy? Avoiding things that want to hurt you is important in the woods!

Now I'm rambling! It's one of those days where what I say sounds important. How fucking arrogant!

[djkangal.livejournal.com]

Hey Jose': I hate that fucking bitch. Seriously. [wink]

Well, not hate, more like extreme annoyance, but you know, you asked, and I just can't say no to you. Besides, I know it applies to somebody.

The only thing that you have to watch out with expressing negativity, and you said this, is that it's addicting.

Very true. Often it's harder to admit that some things aren't so bad then to confirm that everything sucks. Well, strike the "often". It's sooo easy to get stuck in a rut and wallow in it. Being down on everything gives one a sort of pseudo-clarity that can be quite liberating, but in the end it's sort of ignorant.

And keep on with the arrogance dood. You're right, so why not be arrogant?

Ah, I love these posts of yours...

[mpeace.livejournal.com]

I was musing on positive and negative ideas on my way into work this morning but as relates to a different topic. I might even make a less than eloquent post on it at some point.

You know that each person has their own perspective, and take than into account when you listen to them speak.

Sadly, most people don't do this.

[underfiend.livejournal.com]

Didn't we have this very conversation a few weeks ago?

I personally enjoy confrontation and difference to a point. I would prefer being exposed to various viewpoints not my own verses being trapped in a box of my own thoughts and with "yes people" who only agree with me. Some people I listen to and associate with just to get a perspective. I have a tendency to be right frequently as well, and also like you, to come off as arrogant. I think these only come out of the fact that I'm open to all opinions, and when I'm wrong I admit it, but I learn from the people around me instead of brushing the decent aside. Even the most foolish person can make a brilliant observation some time.

Also, it's a very Zen thing to engage in the emotion and experience at the time. I may be broodish sometimes when I'm out though overall I'm much more of a positive person (or at least that's what I believe and should probably be accessible through most of my entries), because I am in "that moment" at that time. I'd rather be upset at the time than take it home with me and carry it around. That's just not healthy. I'd rather have an argument that promotes further understanding than fostering a grudge the inevitably loses its meaning and becomes childish in the end. There are a lot of people I know who don't get along, but when I ask why, they can't remember the reason.

I say conflict is good, and resolution is better, but overall, I enjoy the fact that there are people out there who put as much importance in communication as I do.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

(first response eaten by LJ which SUCKS today)

We did - often when I post something long I've discussed the idea with others, thought about it for some time before I write it down. The writing is spontaneous but the composition overall is not.

I rather prefer people who agree with me, but only because they understand the issues and come to similar conclusions. Yes-people suck, and I don't keep people with various viewpoints around just for their diversity. To me there is just right and wrong, and difference just gives me the pain of congnitive dissonance if there isn't substance to their views. If their views are superior to my own, I will adopt them as my own.

How analytical I sound...in theory. Application mileage probably varies.

[kelowna.livejournal.com]

've watched friends trash each other, and not been offended. Anyone you spend time with you hate something about, and it's probably good to let out that frustration at some point.

I absolutely agree.

What I am growing weary about, however, is approaching someone and asking them point blank to address rumour, gossip or behavioural changes only to be greeted with a "oh honey! nothings wrong! we are friends! everything is fine!" JUST to have them walk away, right into another friend of mine and say "oh my god! kelowna just confronted me, she is such a blah blah blah blah..."

I mean, when do the lies end? When do people REALLY gain accountability and maturity? I am not refering to young ones who may be still awkward in social situations and not wanting to alienate anyone despite their feelings -- i'm refering to people that are in their THIRTIES.

--kelowna

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I've had good luck with my friends actually addressing the situations when they came up. One place I've made personal improvement (though still a work in progress) is in actually addressing the friend directly, telling them how I feel before things get huge and blow up. With the friends I've picked, or that survived, this has turned out very well.

Expressing works - at least telling people how you feel. Often they can give you their interpretation of events and you can find the situation manageable somewhere inbetween the 'realities.' Friendships that might have fallen out can be saved this way!

On the other hand - lying and being evasive is just annoying and further proves you have a reason to be mad. Smoothing things over is a good idea, but only when those efforts are genuine and honest.

-- i'm refering to people that are in their THIRTIES.
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