(no subject)

[vicarz]

Went to gay pride to work - just work. I don't feel like a part of the gay community, I don't feel gay - it's just a political issue now. Like poly geeks - something seems wrong with identifying yourself by something sexual. At the same time, I'm so familiar with the prejudice that I feel similarly identified even though I don't date boys anymore. Hell, I'm not dating anymore. Whatever I am, the gathering just creeps me out today. I identify freak, but I don't fit in. I identify gay, but I don't fit in. I know that no label is all-encompassing, but I'm not feeling like any label is sticking well, and unlike many people I'm totally comfortable with labeling.

When I try to not think about the negative there is nothing left to say. When I poke fun, people laugh. I'm uncomfortable with silence - I like to talk and listen. I'm having a particularly hard time listening lately. I've slipped backwards - I had been learning to listen and not interrupt, now I am cutting them off for the 5th time before I realize I'm not listening. When I force myself I can listen through them, but usually by thinking about other things while they talk. I'm losing patience in a general way - sick of waiting for people to talk their way to their logical conclusion when I know their point and the argument/data that proves it wrong as they slowly...plod...along...in their wrong view. Ugh. I know I should polish my listening skills - it really helps to manipulate people, but I have no urge to manipulate. I'd much rather get along with people honestly who are being similarly honest. I would - but no one seems to agree with me. If I'm wrong, I'm too wrong to give a damn about fixing it anymore. I'm tired.

I had stopped drinking before vacation, but I've picked it up again. I think I'll put it back down - the peaks and valleys are just annoying. Alcohol alone can create a mood, so can the following sugary crash.

I might just leave the news alone for a while. I tuned out with the Reagan publicity stunt, when even NPR was saying nice things about that old criminal. I'm sick of this culture of fear, and while I am usually intolerant of political apathy, it seems easy enough to pick up the stories in time for the election. Every day people die, terrorists blow stuff up, workers get laid off, wildlife and land is destroyed, there is no point in seeing how bad things have become.

Comments

Re: I like the term, "Pansexual", though I don't like sex with pans...

[underfiend.livejournal.com]

That monster is just plain scary.

I agree with just about everything you said, and it was nice speaking with you the other night.

Re: I like the term, "Pansexual", though I don't like sex with pans...

[underfiend.livejournal.com]

WHAT in the godless hell is that?

Re: I like the term, "Pansexual", though I don't like sex with pans...

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Oops - wish you could edit comments!


It's how I feel today - or a baby wombat.

I also dug swapping war stories with you, as I often do.

Re: I like the term, "Pansexual", though I don't like sex with pans...

[underfiend.livejournal.com]

Ok, I understand.

I chose to call in sick cause I'm still a bit irate about the weekend.

Things will get better... they always do.

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

Labels have their place for a time. Most people who are conscious of it identify this period as "after highschool," as many don't make it to college, and the labels bring their assumptions, limits, and barriers - a means of comfort and definition during an uncertain time.

I think part of your discomfort is the emotional resonance while back in university (though for law school) but a definite recognition that who you are has expanded beyond the simple definitions you used to define your social mask before.

You aren't completely satisfied with the law school thing, so it leads to a small amount of anxiety, which then brings the negative into sharper focus. No, you don't really want to manipulate, but you've spent the last several months with limited time for social interaction while, perhaps, needing it more. End result - you hate waiting for others to formulate their point or argument...especially if/when they prove unable to focus a structure or logic within their statements.

You comments on dating were sharp and cogent on Saturday - and seem to also encapsulate this mood and attitude you've written of above.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I had to look up the word cogent!
...and here I was thinking I had sucessfully engaged in escapism...

Oh and I forgot we're supposed to sit down and have drinky-drinky at some point! I should catch you before you run off to France or something, huh?

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

Ah yes....
escapism...no...you were the one who pulled out the "heavy" discussion topic when I said, "wow, look at that..."

Drinks would be good - sounds like an email topic soon.

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

I'd like to listen. If you'll talk. I would like to be there for you. I miss our chatting as a whole, but miss *you* especially. You're a great person and I hope that you find what you are seeking. For what that's all worth. {shrug}

[lilybleu.livejournal.com]

Let's try this commenting thing one more time... Stupid LJ burps! :P

--

I would like to listen if you would ever like to talk. I miss our chats and especially just miss interacting with you - you are someone I constantly wish I was in the same city with, because I think we could be very good RL friends.

I seem to cling to labels too, even as I hate them for leading to societal stereotypes. I do not, have never, fit into a label quite as well as people would wish me to, but I do have many labels that I try to fit into anyway. We should discuss labels sometime, philosophically and practically. ;)

I very much hope that you find what you are looking for, as I am trying to do the same myself and know how insane it can be in the meantime.

For what all that's worth... {{shrug}}

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I've actually been on IM a bit more, but haven't seen you. I need to call though! I'm so electo-conditioned I keep forgetting I have that.

[sunnyfunny.livejournal.com]

*empathetic nod*

[ovipositor.livejournal.com]

yay! bunchie!