(no subject)

[vicarz]

Went to gay pride to work - just work. I don't feel like a part of the gay community, I don't feel gay - it's just a political issue now. Like poly geeks - something seems wrong with identifying yourself by something sexual. At the same time, I'm so familiar with the prejudice that I feel similarly identified even though I don't date boys anymore. Hell, I'm not dating anymore. Whatever I am, the gathering just creeps me out today. I identify freak, but I don't fit in. I identify gay, but I don't fit in. I know that no label is all-encompassing, but I'm not feeling like any label is sticking well, and unlike many people I'm totally comfortable with labeling.

When I try to not think about the negative there is nothing left to say. When I poke fun, people laugh. I'm uncomfortable with silence - I like to talk and listen. I'm having a particularly hard time listening lately. I've slipped backwards - I had been learning to listen and not interrupt, now I am cutting them off for the 5th time before I realize I'm not listening. When I force myself I can listen through them, but usually by thinking about other things while they talk. I'm losing patience in a general way - sick of waiting for people to talk their way to their logical conclusion when I know their point and the argument/data that proves it wrong as they slowly...plod...along...in their wrong view. Ugh. I know I should polish my listening skills - it really helps to manipulate people, but I have no urge to manipulate. I'd much rather get along with people honestly who are being similarly honest. I would - but no one seems to agree with me. If I'm wrong, I'm too wrong to give a damn about fixing it anymore. I'm tired.

I had stopped drinking before vacation, but I've picked it up again. I think I'll put it back down - the peaks and valleys are just annoying. Alcohol alone can create a mood, so can the following sugary crash.

I might just leave the news alone for a while. I tuned out with the Reagan publicity stunt, when even NPR was saying nice things about that old criminal. I'm sick of this culture of fear, and while I am usually intolerant of political apathy, it seems easy enough to pick up the stories in time for the election. Every day people die, terrorists blow stuff up, workers get laid off, wildlife and land is destroyed, there is no point in seeing how bad things have become.