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Some things about other things
Dec. 15th, 2014 07:59 amToday is not facebook day. Ok. I feel like any support I show is insincere.
I'm in coffee place where I'm a little happy they left on last night's alternative music mix. I'm on the work computer because when I got up I didn't know...I don't know how long I'll be here. Coffee and go home? Stay for hours and get my car re-repaired next door? The questionable shop did a poor job, with the bumper sticking out a little and best of all the trunk now leaks. I soaked some of my things on the trip back from Canada and have been trying to leave the windows open to get the pools of water out from around the spare tire. With the work computer I can...work, or in another sense be entertained for hours. But I think I'll be going home soon. It's funny, workaholic? Some of that is psychological. I know I get mocked for being "on the clock" too much, but ... they're right, it's kinda sad. I feel a sense of connectedness from work, and it's comforting without substance.
Recently I had to look at myself in the 3rd person, and one odd thing I found was that I'm surrounded by a lot of women in pain. No really, I'm the person a lot of people can turn to when things suck, a lot do, and most of them are women. I thought of it as a positive, but really? Do I need to surround myself with others' misery? Does that make me good, neutral, or ... shit what does that say? If I could figure that out, then what would it say about what I should do with or about that? Then...nah. A lot of the people who have had issues lately haven't for 1, 5, 10 years?
Last night I took a moment for me, several hours. I put on the big broadcast but didn't really listen. I played my stupid video games nonstop, had me-only-beers after not drinking all weekend, had more me-only-beer, more blowing up alien puzzles.
Gym. My workout sucked last night; for one it was late and my nutrition was pathetic. I felt ok though, but bombed a little...my ass hurts, it was squatterday, and there just seems to reason to hurt myself in the week's preceding surgery to fix my butt. I'm motivationally challenged across the board now, but as I've spent over a year trying to work around pain, now it really just seems stupid (seems?). Now that the cortisone has really worn off, I'm acutely aware of how bad I'm leaning to try and work around the pain in the right hip. I think I've crossed into the realization that it's worse to work out wrong than to try and stay...strong.
I'm also going around my house getting ready for my impending death. I have to get my office set up as a bedroom again, make sure I could live here without moving, set up access to the tv all fucking day, drugs, water, microwaved food, make the dining room table something other than where I throw my coat. I look around and it's like I'm in a dorm room with an expectation of moving soon...which is kind of what it is.
I've had people suggest I ask, and some offer, that I could...get help. That's so ... difficult for me. I don't want help, I hate help, I hate anything that speaks of not raging full independence. Sure I'm there for a lot of my friends, and will show up on moving day, but ask for help? Stay in someone's house? Stay on the couch and ask for...soup? Fuck that. I hate hate hate that, but am trying to...and then there is that "people like the opportunity to really help and not allowing that is selfish..." But hey, my mom. You know why my mom? Because I can ask that, that's why. Until she gets...
Today I meet with Scott at my not-house to go over wtf is going on. Curiously with nothing done now, and surgery to kill me for a minimum of a month starting in Jan, so even if the do stuff I can't go there. I may arrange something for the mail.
Yes, I'm talking about everything but. And you know what? Is this all worthless when I've spent so long trying to gain insights by talking here and I'm still stupid? What productive purpose is this serving? Oh, and what purpose is feeling pain anyway? Ah, ok, found anger.
I'm in coffee place where I'm a little happy they left on last night's alternative music mix. I'm on the work computer because when I got up I didn't know...I don't know how long I'll be here. Coffee and go home? Stay for hours and get my car re-repaired next door? The questionable shop did a poor job, with the bumper sticking out a little and best of all the trunk now leaks. I soaked some of my things on the trip back from Canada and have been trying to leave the windows open to get the pools of water out from around the spare tire. With the work computer I can...work, or in another sense be entertained for hours. But I think I'll be going home soon. It's funny, workaholic? Some of that is psychological. I know I get mocked for being "on the clock" too much, but ... they're right, it's kinda sad. I feel a sense of connectedness from work, and it's comforting without substance.
Recently I had to look at myself in the 3rd person, and one odd thing I found was that I'm surrounded by a lot of women in pain. No really, I'm the person a lot of people can turn to when things suck, a lot do, and most of them are women. I thought of it as a positive, but really? Do I need to surround myself with others' misery? Does that make me good, neutral, or ... shit what does that say? If I could figure that out, then what would it say about what I should do with or about that? Then...nah. A lot of the people who have had issues lately haven't for 1, 5, 10 years?
Last night I took a moment for me, several hours. I put on the big broadcast but didn't really listen. I played my stupid video games nonstop, had me-only-beers after not drinking all weekend, had more me-only-beer, more blowing up alien puzzles.
Gym. My workout sucked last night; for one it was late and my nutrition was pathetic. I felt ok though, but bombed a little...my ass hurts, it was squatterday, and there just seems to reason to hurt myself in the week's preceding surgery to fix my butt. I'm motivationally challenged across the board now, but as I've spent over a year trying to work around pain, now it really just seems stupid (seems?). Now that the cortisone has really worn off, I'm acutely aware of how bad I'm leaning to try and work around the pain in the right hip. I think I've crossed into the realization that it's worse to work out wrong than to try and stay...strong.
I'm also going around my house getting ready for my impending death. I have to get my office set up as a bedroom again, make sure I could live here without moving, set up access to the tv all fucking day, drugs, water, microwaved food, make the dining room table something other than where I throw my coat. I look around and it's like I'm in a dorm room with an expectation of moving soon...which is kind of what it is.
I've had people suggest I ask, and some offer, that I could...get help. That's so ... difficult for me. I don't want help, I hate help, I hate anything that speaks of not raging full independence. Sure I'm there for a lot of my friends, and will show up on moving day, but ask for help? Stay in someone's house? Stay on the couch and ask for...soup? Fuck that. I hate hate hate that, but am trying to...and then there is that "people like the opportunity to really help and not allowing that is selfish..." But hey, my mom. You know why my mom? Because I can ask that, that's why. Until she gets...
Today I meet with Scott at my not-house to go over wtf is going on. Curiously with nothing done now, and surgery to kill me for a minimum of a month starting in Jan, so even if the do stuff I can't go there. I may arrange something for the mail.
Yes, I'm talking about everything but. And you know what? Is this all worthless when I've spent so long trying to gain insights by talking here and I'm still stupid? What productive purpose is this serving? Oh, and what purpose is feeling pain anyway? Ah, ok, found anger.
