Some things about other things

[vicarz]

Today is not facebook day. Ok. I feel like any support I show is insincere.

I'm in coffee place where I'm a little happy they left on last night's alternative music mix. I'm on the work computer because when I got up I didn't know...I don't know how long I'll be here. Coffee and go home? Stay for hours and get my car re-repaired next door? The questionable shop did a poor job, with the bumper sticking out a little and best of all the trunk now leaks. I soaked some of my things on the trip back from Canada and have been trying to leave the windows open to get the pools of water out from around the spare tire. With the work computer I can...work, or in another sense be entertained for hours. But I think I'll be going home soon. It's funny, workaholic? Some of that is psychological. I know I get mocked for being "on the clock" too much, but ... they're right, it's kinda sad. I feel a sense of connectedness from work, and it's comforting without substance.

Recently I had to look at myself in the 3rd person, and one odd thing I found was that I'm surrounded by a lot of women in pain. No really, I'm the person a lot of people can turn to when things suck, a lot do, and most of them are women. I thought of it as a positive, but really? Do I need to surround myself with others' misery? Does that make me good, neutral, or ... shit what does that say? If I could figure that out, then what would it say about what I should do with or about that? Then...nah. A lot of the people who have had issues lately haven't for 1, 5, 10 years?

Last night I took a moment for me, several hours. I put on the big broadcast but didn't really listen. I played my stupid video games nonstop, had me-only-beers after not drinking all weekend, had more me-only-beer, more blowing up alien puzzles.

Gym. My workout sucked last night; for one it was late and my nutrition was pathetic. I felt ok though, but bombed a little...my ass hurts, it was squatterday, and there just seems to reason to hurt myself in the week's preceding surgery to fix my butt. I'm motivationally challenged across the board now, but as I've spent over a year trying to work around pain, now it really just seems stupid (seems?). Now that the cortisone has really worn off, I'm acutely aware of how bad I'm leaning to try and work around the pain in the right hip. I think I've crossed into the realization that it's worse to work out wrong than to try and stay...strong.

I'm also going around my house getting ready for my impending death. I have to get my office set up as a bedroom again, make sure I could live here without moving, set up access to the tv all fucking day, drugs, water, microwaved food, make the dining room table something other than where I throw my coat. I look around and it's like I'm in a dorm room with an expectation of moving soon...which is kind of what it is.

I've had people suggest I ask, and some offer, that I could...get help. That's so ... difficult for me. I don't want help, I hate help, I hate anything that speaks of not raging full independence. Sure I'm there for a lot of my friends, and will show up on moving day, but ask for help? Stay in someone's house? Stay on the couch and ask for...soup? Fuck that. I hate hate hate that, but am trying to...and then there is that "people like the opportunity to really help and not allowing that is selfish..." But hey, my mom. You know why my mom? Because I can ask that, that's why. Until she gets...

Today I meet with Scott at my not-house to go over wtf is going on. Curiously with nothing done now, and surgery to kill me for a minimum of a month starting in Jan, so even if the do stuff I can't go there. I may arrange something for the mail.

Yes, I'm talking about everything but. And you know what? Is this all worthless when I've spent so long trying to gain insights by talking here and I'm still stupid? What productive purpose is this serving? Oh, and what purpose is feeling pain anyway? Ah, ok, found anger.

Comments

[wantedonvoyage.livejournal.com]

Is there any correlation between the women in pain and the urging that not accepting help is selfish?

People who like you, and who are grateful for your ear and shoulder, are probably bothered by the idea of you being physically uncomfortable and possibly lacking in some way (food, distraction, etc.) so to them maybe the fact that you are reluctant to accept what they may see as "payback" which keeps them in that bothersome place, reads as selfish. But that is selfish in its own way, isn't it? IDK.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Correlation - hope not. Good observation though.

Selfish is unavoidable; perhaps there is more of a pendulum swing to the issue where there simply is no perfectly nonselfish way to exist.

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

on the specific help front, would it be useful for me to go over there when you are laid up?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Thanks - I know you're good for it. Heck you showed for "Let's paint a bedroom party."

[turbogrrl.livejournal.com]

:)

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

On the women in pain front, you've always had a lot of friends who are women (like I have a lot of friends who are men). That isn't typical of most people, so perhaps you get more trust because you've been around for so long and you've earned it (and you actually listen and try to give useful feedback). I know I have men who come to me when they need help or a shoulder and they feel uncomfortable asking other guys, and I'm glad I can be there.

I think it says good things about who you are, and you don't seem to feed off others misery... you want them to do better. You may push people to make changes, but that is often needed - an outside perspective can help people see things they miss.

As for help/helplessness, it's hard to be in that situation. People genuinely want to give back though, so try to let them do it. If this were summer, I'd volunteer to fly out there and we could slack together, while I make sure your day-to-day needs were covered (and I could ask for help getting groceries etc because I've gotten used to needing help with that). But DC in January would kill me, so you should accept what your friends are offering.

You are not stupid, and never have been, even when you were the young preppie I met forever ago. We all have things to learn about ourselves, and change is hard and seems to get harder as we age, but you're one of the most together people I know, and you'll be okay.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

GOD I rewrite history when I forget that I was attempting to be normal, preppie, when I met you ... I overlap that with the alternative music station. Thanks for the reminder on that...kind of ties a few thing together for me.

I've tried to be normal multiple times. I forget that sometimes.

In some ways I am stupid, I really am. Together and functional sure, but right now I'm acutely aware of some major gaps. Hence vaguebooking.

[alumiere.livejournal.com]

I get what you're saying, but stupid isn't the right description. Trying to figure shit out, yes; we all are, every day. My life is so fubar, I don't want to discuss it here, because it feels like whining, and I need to figure out what I want/need before I blather. One day at a time we muddle through, and the best thing I can say is that since moving to LA I've managed to make fabulous and supportive friends. Thank fuck for the freak community.