(no subject)

Mother why is the milk in the sink?

So I'm on edge, tired, grumpy, and rediscovering my irrational side as my mom is here. She's on her best behavior after having such dramatic episodes earlier, things I'm absolutely ashamed of however much I "own it." I can take it, but it still hurts.

I think what bugs me the most is not that she's clearly declining, though the speeding pace is disturbing, but that this is all voluntary. She saw her own mother decline through self-neglect, self-medication, and social isolationism, and swore she'd never do the same. It was something shameful and burdensome to the entire family. Now she's doing the same thing in another flavor. She swapped televangelists for msnbc and cspan.

I slightly encourage her to do things, to get back in touch with (not online) people, to not drink, to actually exercise and with direction rather than let her body turn feeble, but it's as if every effort is just too great - the biggest one of all, thinking about it. Her intellect seems entirely focused on making excuses to stay physically and socially dormant. It's like farmville with left-wing politics, wound licking and a city of affirmation. It's a choice, or the result of a series of tiny choices.

What choice am I making or not making here? I may not be an enabler but I'm not a dive in with force intervention type either. I might be a run away screaming and enjoy my own life type.

(no subject)

Everything is about getting drunk.

Everything, every decision, every thing that matters is the choice of either doing something that feels good now or doing something that makes the future better. Every moment of every day I could get drunk, and drunk will feel good. The more you drink, the more drinking feels good. Good may be taking the pain away, but that's good; life is pain so anything that removes it...

I could slut around and good god I want to. I want sex. I want stupid sex, irresponsible and risky. I want sex to feel good right now. I want no hold barred sex, no strings...only I know the consequences to myself and to others, I know how low you have to sink to get 'what' you want rather than...sex is drunk too. You can get sex now and you'll have had sex, and only after you blast will you recoil at what you did to get sex or what the cost will be later.

I could get drunk. I could get tipsy. I could maintain my life but chip away just a little every day, each cost seductive in how I can manage it. I could get drunk but still go to work, I could medicate and cover. Until I couldn't. I've seen unraveling and the excuses and covers, the recovery and remission.

Booze and sex are one thing, it seems all of life is about making short vs. long term decisions. I don't have to work before my deadlines, but if I do a lazy job today my job will suck tomorrow. I mock US folks saying "We're so selfish we don't just dick over others, we screw ourselves over in the future." We spend money we don't have to buy things we don't need to impress people we don't know, and wonder why we feel empty inside. You can erase that feeling by getting drunk.

Full circle might be getting drunk, buying a luxury brand SUV, then having shallow sex with an idiot in the car...oh while called in sick to work?

I sound like I've turned religious where the only possible good is suffering.