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Oct. 18th, 2014 07:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzMother why is the milk in the sink?
So I'm on edge, tired, grumpy, and rediscovering my irrational side as my mom is here. She's on her best behavior after having such dramatic episodes earlier, things I'm absolutely ashamed of however much I "own it." I can take it, but it still hurts.
I think what bugs me the most is not that she's clearly declining, though the speeding pace is disturbing, but that this is all voluntary. She saw her own mother decline through self-neglect, self-medication, and social isolationism, and swore she'd never do the same. It was something shameful and burdensome to the entire family. Now she's doing the same thing in another flavor. She swapped televangelists for msnbc and cspan.
I slightly encourage her to do things, to get back in touch with (not online) people, to not drink, to actually exercise and with direction rather than let her body turn feeble, but it's as if every effort is just too great - the biggest one of all, thinking about it. Her intellect seems entirely focused on making excuses to stay physically and socially dormant. It's like farmville with left-wing politics, wound licking and a city of affirmation. It's a choice, or the result of a series of tiny choices.
What choice am I making or not making here? I may not be an enabler but I'm not a dive in with force intervention type either. I might be a run away screaming and enjoy my own life type.
So I'm on edge, tired, grumpy, and rediscovering my irrational side as my mom is here. She's on her best behavior after having such dramatic episodes earlier, things I'm absolutely ashamed of however much I "own it." I can take it, but it still hurts.
I think what bugs me the most is not that she's clearly declining, though the speeding pace is disturbing, but that this is all voluntary. She saw her own mother decline through self-neglect, self-medication, and social isolationism, and swore she'd never do the same. It was something shameful and burdensome to the entire family. Now she's doing the same thing in another flavor. She swapped televangelists for msnbc and cspan.
I slightly encourage her to do things, to get back in touch with (not online) people, to not drink, to actually exercise and with direction rather than let her body turn feeble, but it's as if every effort is just too great - the biggest one of all, thinking about it. Her intellect seems entirely focused on making excuses to stay physically and socially dormant. It's like farmville with left-wing politics, wound licking and a city of affirmation. It's a choice, or the result of a series of tiny choices.
What choice am I making or not making here? I may not be an enabler but I'm not a dive in with force intervention type either. I might be a run away screaming and enjoy my own life type.
