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We whee wii
Sep. 28th, 2014 09:35 am"We were either going to get married or break up."
That's where I was. We could have been a family, a forever. She was loyal, comfortable, caring, smart, and very good to me. We hardly ever fought and were both reasonable when we did so. I could have taken that path and it would have been now. Every relationship takes sacrifice, yet there is a large one of having your freedom. I could have taken the positive of a choice, of sticking with that choice, and SOME of the feelings would have been quelled by knowing I had made a commitment.
It was time to shut those doors or go through them. My wavering was hurting us both. I started many conversations over months, weeks, days. I forced myself as I never felt like doing it, but there was never an answer or any change. It's sad but I was convinced this was ... that it had to end.
Sadly, and perhaps alarmingly, I'm more convinced than ever this was the right choice for me. It may not look so in 10 or 20 years if I'm alone or in an unhealthy relationship, but my feelings have been largely of relief, of doing nothing different but still feeling very different. "I can feel my pulse." I'm not crying myself to sleep. I feel bad when I think she feels bad, but not on my own.
Some realities of freedom are sinking in. I really really really hate it when I smile or...any time I get the creepy guy treatment. I don't think I'm skeezy - I spend forever trying not to hurt people, even the ones who want me but who might be hurt, even when it's mutual and I wouldn't be hurt - I care about not hurting 10x more than my needs, but ... I shouldn't take it personally. I just...yeah I'm a slut, but I hate it when people act like I'm a bad person. I flirt mildly, always back off at the least hint of no, most of the flirty is not even...I mean a lot of the fucking time I talk about coffee I'm fucking talking about coffee. I would like to have coffee with people I don't even want to fuck - I do, matter o'fact. If I do THINK we MIGHT want to fuck, how the fuck do we know if we haven't sat around talking - even if it's sort of a resume swapping practical exchange of the logistics? Am I creepy? Grr.
But realities, all the things I didn't have to worry about. The talk - the comparison of health statuses. Making decisions about risk factors. That horrid condom smell? What _is_ my status? Tested for what you can test for, open about my risk factors otherwise - do I have herpes? No OR I'm asymptomatic as I know so many who are? HPV? Either no or if so it seems covered by the vaccine? God I even have to think about this sort of thing again, me who put fans, vents, and soundproofing in the bathroom to hide biology?
I scanned okcupid, reactivated my profile (I think?) and was alarmed to see, literally, some of the same annoying people as the last time we broke up - there's a possible sign of not-good, right? It seems I am compatible with, per a computer algorithm, with young 30s liberal feminista social justice jewish girls in petworth DC...like 20 of them. Of course I also ran into a few of my well-known polly folks - polly seems to mean a lot of time looking.
I'm in a space where it feels good to think sex could happen, and I want that - bad, hungrily - but not necessarily right away? I mean yes, totally want that, but also want to continue my fetish of sitting around talking with people over coffee, drinks, et al. Maybe sex could follow that to be followed by more drinkstalking. Hell why split that up.
Later the "I'm ugly and nobody loves me" will settle in, it usually does at what...1-3 mos? Or has my confidence increased so much I won't get that rebound effect? Does the fact I now have tightened up my relationships with my friends, that I force myself to go out all the time and interact, mean I won't wind up in that silly rut?
Can I be affectionate without hurting anyone?
Sad that's where I wind up, what I wind up talking about (I wandered off multiple times while writing this). I think about sex a lot. We were going to get married or break up. We were going to do that pretty much right away - I needed to be with her, really with her, or move on. I've moved on.
That's where I was. We could have been a family, a forever. She was loyal, comfortable, caring, smart, and very good to me. We hardly ever fought and were both reasonable when we did so. I could have taken that path and it would have been now. Every relationship takes sacrifice, yet there is a large one of having your freedom. I could have taken the positive of a choice, of sticking with that choice, and SOME of the feelings would have been quelled by knowing I had made a commitment.
It was time to shut those doors or go through them. My wavering was hurting us both. I started many conversations over months, weeks, days. I forced myself as I never felt like doing it, but there was never an answer or any change. It's sad but I was convinced this was ... that it had to end.
Sadly, and perhaps alarmingly, I'm more convinced than ever this was the right choice for me. It may not look so in 10 or 20 years if I'm alone or in an unhealthy relationship, but my feelings have been largely of relief, of doing nothing different but still feeling very different. "I can feel my pulse." I'm not crying myself to sleep. I feel bad when I think she feels bad, but not on my own.
Some realities of freedom are sinking in. I really really really hate it when I smile or...any time I get the creepy guy treatment. I don't think I'm skeezy - I spend forever trying not to hurt people, even the ones who want me but who might be hurt, even when it's mutual and I wouldn't be hurt - I care about not hurting 10x more than my needs, but ... I shouldn't take it personally. I just...yeah I'm a slut, but I hate it when people act like I'm a bad person. I flirt mildly, always back off at the least hint of no, most of the flirty is not even...I mean a lot of the fucking time I talk about coffee I'm fucking talking about coffee. I would like to have coffee with people I don't even want to fuck - I do, matter o'fact. If I do THINK we MIGHT want to fuck, how the fuck do we know if we haven't sat around talking - even if it's sort of a resume swapping practical exchange of the logistics? Am I creepy? Grr.
But realities, all the things I didn't have to worry about. The talk - the comparison of health statuses. Making decisions about risk factors. That horrid condom smell? What _is_ my status? Tested for what you can test for, open about my risk factors otherwise - do I have herpes? No OR I'm asymptomatic as I know so many who are? HPV? Either no or if so it seems covered by the vaccine? God I even have to think about this sort of thing again, me who put fans, vents, and soundproofing in the bathroom to hide biology?
I scanned okcupid, reactivated my profile (I think?) and was alarmed to see, literally, some of the same annoying people as the last time we broke up - there's a possible sign of not-good, right? It seems I am compatible with, per a computer algorithm, with young 30s liberal feminista social justice jewish girls in petworth DC...like 20 of them. Of course I also ran into a few of my well-known polly folks - polly seems to mean a lot of time looking.
I'm in a space where it feels good to think sex could happen, and I want that - bad, hungrily - but not necessarily right away? I mean yes, totally want that, but also want to continue my fetish of sitting around talking with people over coffee, drinks, et al. Maybe sex could follow that to be followed by more drinkstalking. Hell why split that up.
Later the "I'm ugly and nobody loves me" will settle in, it usually does at what...1-3 mos? Or has my confidence increased so much I won't get that rebound effect? Does the fact I now have tightened up my relationships with my friends, that I force myself to go out all the time and interact, mean I won't wind up in that silly rut?
Can I be affectionate without hurting anyone?
Sad that's where I wind up, what I wind up talking about (I wandered off multiple times while writing this). I think about sex a lot. We were going to get married or break up. We were going to do that pretty much right away - I needed to be with her, really with her, or move on. I've moved on.
