We whee wii
Sep. 28th, 2014 09:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarz"We were either going to get married or break up."
That's where I was. We could have been a family, a forever. She was loyal, comfortable, caring, smart, and very good to me. We hardly ever fought and were both reasonable when we did so. I could have taken that path and it would have been now. Every relationship takes sacrifice, yet there is a large one of having your freedom. I could have taken the positive of a choice, of sticking with that choice, and SOME of the feelings would have been quelled by knowing I had made a commitment.
It was time to shut those doors or go through them. My wavering was hurting us both. I started many conversations over months, weeks, days. I forced myself as I never felt like doing it, but there was never an answer or any change. It's sad but I was convinced this was ... that it had to end.
Sadly, and perhaps alarmingly, I'm more convinced than ever this was the right choice for me. It may not look so in 10 or 20 years if I'm alone or in an unhealthy relationship, but my feelings have been largely of relief, of doing nothing different but still feeling very different. "I can feel my pulse." I'm not crying myself to sleep. I feel bad when I think she feels bad, but not on my own.
Some realities of freedom are sinking in. I really really really hate it when I smile or...any time I get the creepy guy treatment. I don't think I'm skeezy - I spend forever trying not to hurt people, even the ones who want me but who might be hurt, even when it's mutual and I wouldn't be hurt - I care about not hurting 10x more than my needs, but ... I shouldn't take it personally. I just...yeah I'm a slut, but I hate it when people act like I'm a bad person. I flirt mildly, always back off at the least hint of no, most of the flirty is not even...I mean a lot of the fucking time I talk about coffee I'm fucking talking about coffee. I would like to have coffee with people I don't even want to fuck - I do, matter o'fact. If I do THINK we MIGHT want to fuck, how the fuck do we know if we haven't sat around talking - even if it's sort of a resume swapping practical exchange of the logistics? Am I creepy? Grr.
But realities, all the things I didn't have to worry about. The talk - the comparison of health statuses. Making decisions about risk factors. That horrid condom smell? What _is_ my status? Tested for what you can test for, open about my risk factors otherwise - do I have herpes? No OR I'm asymptomatic as I know so many who are? HPV? Either no or if so it seems covered by the vaccine? God I even have to think about this sort of thing again, me who put fans, vents, and soundproofing in the bathroom to hide biology?
I scanned okcupid, reactivated my profile (I think?) and was alarmed to see, literally, some of the same annoying people as the last time we broke up - there's a possible sign of not-good, right? It seems I am compatible with, per a computer algorithm, with young 30s liberal feminista social justice jewish girls in petworth DC...like 20 of them. Of course I also ran into a few of my well-known polly folks - polly seems to mean a lot of time looking.
I'm in a space where it feels good to think sex could happen, and I want that - bad, hungrily - but not necessarily right away? I mean yes, totally want that, but also want to continue my fetish of sitting around talking with people over coffee, drinks, et al. Maybe sex could follow that to be followed by more drinkstalking. Hell why split that up.
Later the "I'm ugly and nobody loves me" will settle in, it usually does at what...1-3 mos? Or has my confidence increased so much I won't get that rebound effect? Does the fact I now have tightened up my relationships with my friends, that I force myself to go out all the time and interact, mean I won't wind up in that silly rut?
Can I be affectionate without hurting anyone?
Sad that's where I wind up, what I wind up talking about (I wandered off multiple times while writing this). I think about sex a lot. We were going to get married or break up. We were going to do that pretty much right away - I needed to be with her, really with her, or move on. I've moved on.
That's where I was. We could have been a family, a forever. She was loyal, comfortable, caring, smart, and very good to me. We hardly ever fought and were both reasonable when we did so. I could have taken that path and it would have been now. Every relationship takes sacrifice, yet there is a large one of having your freedom. I could have taken the positive of a choice, of sticking with that choice, and SOME of the feelings would have been quelled by knowing I had made a commitment.
It was time to shut those doors or go through them. My wavering was hurting us both. I started many conversations over months, weeks, days. I forced myself as I never felt like doing it, but there was never an answer or any change. It's sad but I was convinced this was ... that it had to end.
Sadly, and perhaps alarmingly, I'm more convinced than ever this was the right choice for me. It may not look so in 10 or 20 years if I'm alone or in an unhealthy relationship, but my feelings have been largely of relief, of doing nothing different but still feeling very different. "I can feel my pulse." I'm not crying myself to sleep. I feel bad when I think she feels bad, but not on my own.
Some realities of freedom are sinking in. I really really really hate it when I smile or...any time I get the creepy guy treatment. I don't think I'm skeezy - I spend forever trying not to hurt people, even the ones who want me but who might be hurt, even when it's mutual and I wouldn't be hurt - I care about not hurting 10x more than my needs, but ... I shouldn't take it personally. I just...yeah I'm a slut, but I hate it when people act like I'm a bad person. I flirt mildly, always back off at the least hint of no, most of the flirty is not even...I mean a lot of the fucking time I talk about coffee I'm fucking talking about coffee. I would like to have coffee with people I don't even want to fuck - I do, matter o'fact. If I do THINK we MIGHT want to fuck, how the fuck do we know if we haven't sat around talking - even if it's sort of a resume swapping practical exchange of the logistics? Am I creepy? Grr.
But realities, all the things I didn't have to worry about. The talk - the comparison of health statuses. Making decisions about risk factors. That horrid condom smell? What _is_ my status? Tested for what you can test for, open about my risk factors otherwise - do I have herpes? No OR I'm asymptomatic as I know so many who are? HPV? Either no or if so it seems covered by the vaccine? God I even have to think about this sort of thing again, me who put fans, vents, and soundproofing in the bathroom to hide biology?
I scanned okcupid, reactivated my profile (I think?) and was alarmed to see, literally, some of the same annoying people as the last time we broke up - there's a possible sign of not-good, right? It seems I am compatible with, per a computer algorithm, with young 30s liberal feminista social justice jewish girls in petworth DC...like 20 of them. Of course I also ran into a few of my well-known polly folks - polly seems to mean a lot of time looking.
I'm in a space where it feels good to think sex could happen, and I want that - bad, hungrily - but not necessarily right away? I mean yes, totally want that, but also want to continue my fetish of sitting around talking with people over coffee, drinks, et al. Maybe sex could follow that to be followed by more drinkstalking. Hell why split that up.
Later the "I'm ugly and nobody loves me" will settle in, it usually does at what...1-3 mos? Or has my confidence increased so much I won't get that rebound effect? Does the fact I now have tightened up my relationships with my friends, that I force myself to go out all the time and interact, mean I won't wind up in that silly rut?
Can I be affectionate without hurting anyone?
Sad that's where I wind up, what I wind up talking about (I wandered off multiple times while writing this). I think about sex a lot. We were going to get married or break up. We were going to do that pretty much right away - I needed to be with her, really with her, or move on. I've moved on.
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no subject
Date: 2014-09-28 09:25 pm (UTC)Mmm coffee.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-29 06:19 pm (UTC)I hope you're able to hang with your friends a lot right now. Breakups are always hard that way, but having friends to spend time with and process with helps a lot.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-29 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-09-29 06:27 pm (UTC)And don't overdo it.
This weekend, I sent my husband off for gaming on Friday night, then on Saturday did soccer, spent three hours with a friend and all our kids, then went to two adult social engagements in the evening.
By the time Sunday and church and paddleboard yoga rolled around, I was pretty much useless.
Basically, hang out with your friends, but don't be me. My extroverty self overdoes it all the time.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 01:38 am (UTC)Hahaha.
Won't lie that I'm kinda surprised you're online ALREADY. And that you still had an account? What's that about?
Try Tinder! You'll get coffee dates in no time. That is what I hear. And tell us all about your fun times. So we can live vicariously through you.
I would be shocked if you didn't have herpes. Isn't the statistic like 90 or 95%? You could be the special unique flower who doesn't have HSV. Whooo!
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 10:59 am (UTC)I still had an account - it was deactivated and forgotten. I've peeked but don't look often, but I'm not looking. Yeah, too soon, but I've been ... this has been almost a 5 year relationship. We seemed to break up in stages.
When they say 90% or more they're including 1 and 2, which is highly possible as both my parents had cold sores, but I don't recall those or seem to have anything else - but I've heard you can be a carrier and asymptomatic. I've heard that for a few issues, and don't miss having to think about that crap again. Being practical and responsible while trying to appreciate exactly the opposite.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 12:35 pm (UTC)When I say 90% or more I include both 1 and 2, too. Practically speaking, it makes no difference, although people continue to think it does. I have HSV 1 on my genitals, no sign ever of infection up top (or elsewhere). Yes, you can be a carrier and asymptomatic. Also, I believe there is evidence that an active virus can go to sleep forever, which would, again in practical terms, be akin to no longer being infected. If your parents both had cold sores, I don't think you're that special unique snowflake sans herpes. Oh well!
I'd hate to meet someone who never, ever wanted to fuck me condomless because of my herpes. I should put that out there on the first date. Just in case I meet someone who wouldn't... although people's minds change about this. I've seen it with my own interactions. Their initial reaction is fear and disgust. Then they realize they don't know shit. And also like sex, even gross herpetic sex EW EW, at least with me, more than they realize. The lawyer I banged once in May (*so many shudders*) made a huge deal about this, wouldn't penetrate sans condom. But couldn't stay hard long enough to get a condom on. I should have stopped and said, "I won't kiss you without a dental dam, then." (he admitted to having oral herpes, after I told him my status) God, that whole thing was a mistake.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 12:49 pm (UTC)I have a lot of open about herpes friends, and many others who are open to those to whom it might apply. I 100% agree with starting with those issues up front. I dunno...I forgive a bunch of irrational over those subjects, and I have been really irrational myself. I try to balance the completely irrational sex thing with rational health - it's never a perfect mix.
We all have mistakes, it's a really really good day to learn from them. I don't get the impression we get better or wiser so much as more experienced.
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 12:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 11:07 pm (UTC)I didn't know about the single, although I was starting to suspect from reading your posts... must have been during one of my lengthy away times.
bich plz
Date: 2014-10-01 01:30 am (UTC)I'll try to back off on all the manhating. If you're one of us, I don't have to be such a bitch.
Re: bich plz
Date: 2014-10-01 01:32 am (UTC)Though now i'm just sorta me. Which is, of course, disgusting!
Re: bich plz
Date: 2014-10-01 01:40 am (UTC)Hahah! That's why you're so squeaky clean. To cover up your nefarious true nature. OH! I found a sweatshirt for you! You saying "crossdressing goth biboi" reminded me. I took a picture of it on my phone. Which means nothing because I don't know how to get pictures from my phone to anywhere else. ...
no subject
Date: 2014-09-30 11:14 pm (UTC)When I first split up with my long term ex, I looked at dating sites pretty quickly... not because I wanted to jump back into the dating pool straightaway, but because it had been so long since I checked out the market, I just wanted to get an idea of what was out there.
no subject
Date: 2014-10-01 01:27 am (UTC)I shouldn't be obtuse about this given I've recently been asked by two medical professionals if I identify as straight, gay or bisexual. And I'm like, Um, none of the above? But I am obtuse about it. Always learning. Thank you for your reply!
no subject
Date: 2014-10-01 12:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-01 01:30 am (UTC)