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Coffeesex: it is worth being tired to feel the pleasure of releasing it by sipping coffee.
The gym has given me confidence while reminding me to be humble. I'm tiny compared to the big boys, yet I'm always impressive, sigh, for my size. Construction made me humble recently, relearning that repetition also gains strength. Sure I'm strong for a lawyer, but my formal hours of training don't seem to leave me stronger than a regular construction worker. Also, like boxing, competition is meaningless. It's great if you can do stupid human tricks, but being stronger than someone is just a moment in time; being able to win a fight as well. A better place is teaching someone, or resolving a conflict. Life isn't always a Kenny Rogers song.
I have problems in my life I don't talk about here, but do with my cadre of friends. I admit there are worse problems to have.
I am not looking for a job. I mean I look, but there have been several very good opportunities lately; rather than applying, I leave the announcement in my inbox and the posting open in chrome...until it expires, then I close it. My new job has become the 3some girl in a not-open relationship? I've gained something from this experience - a reminder that I'm lazy. When the job isn't miserable, I recognize that...for me it's easy now. Sure sometimes I have challenges and have to hustle, and sadly this the first group that isn't thrilled that I'll work any time any place, but overall the pace is borderline amusing. I could do more, but my goal throughout my life is to be well situated enough to coast (modified goal, without being painfully bored). The downside is I'm not a 905 series attorney, which may harm my ability to move on if I have to, and my skills stagnating when I could move around and up for higher salary. Still, the top for government isn't that much higher than where I am now. Perhaps this is my fantasy job from which I can coast for 20 years.
HOUSE omg. I'm spending cash, tons, but now I'm used to it - the money is spent. I'm stunned how lucky I am; my contractor is so good, my project manager and friend Scott is soliciting Jordan to work for...his brother. His family. For major work. So there is an expert soliciting my contractor for incredibly important work for his family...screams volumes. But I have these other fun thoughts about this nonsense, besides holy shit I'm lucky this is turning out well (the internet is not shy about remodeling horror stories).
I've worked for decades to have the money to pull this shit off. I have gone to school too much, worked at jobs I hated, balanced when to focus and take it vs. when to move on (see above), and lived like I was still a college roommate as my salary doubled, tripled, quintupled. I learned investment strategies and had mild success. I've worked my fucking ass off (profanities required for emotional emphasis) to have the money to do this (or do something, this wasn't my plan but it's possible because of the actions above). Now it's amusing to me to think - as I can do a little thing here or there, a team of construction experts have worked 40 hours a week...for me. I paid men to work for weeks...WEEKS, with the money I made from work from years...DECADES. I learned psyc, computers, law, and office politics...they learned surviving pain, physical skills, their coworker interactions and who knows what else...somehow this "my money is what other people worked for" seems magical now. I know the same is true for each time I go to the grocery store, but here I show up and guys and breaking and making things in my home for my money. It's weird.
There are issues in my life, present and from the far past but still occasionally in mind, that make me sad about lost connections. How do I say this...I can't let go. I have to let go - some of my friends suck or were not really my friends. I can't be friends with everyone. I can't keep dating all my ex's. But seeing someone I was with, wanted to be with, and knowing they're not interested still makes me sad. It's immature, unrealistic, downright fantasy unicorn kingdom material, but my illogical mind still is wistful for each encounter or thought of someone with whom there isn't a mutual connection or possibility of one. My rational brain assails the actual connections and people there for me - tons of reason that's meaningless too. Then I mock myself for the fact that being wistful is just another selfish act when my emotions define me as if longing made me a beautiful person.
Your actions make you, not how you explain them or feel about them.
The gym has given me confidence while reminding me to be humble. I'm tiny compared to the big boys, yet I'm always impressive, sigh, for my size. Construction made me humble recently, relearning that repetition also gains strength. Sure I'm strong for a lawyer, but my formal hours of training don't seem to leave me stronger than a regular construction worker. Also, like boxing, competition is meaningless. It's great if you can do stupid human tricks, but being stronger than someone is just a moment in time; being able to win a fight as well. A better place is teaching someone, or resolving a conflict. Life isn't always a Kenny Rogers song.
I have problems in my life I don't talk about here, but do with my cadre of friends. I admit there are worse problems to have.
I am not looking for a job. I mean I look, but there have been several very good opportunities lately; rather than applying, I leave the announcement in my inbox and the posting open in chrome...until it expires, then I close it. My new job has become the 3some girl in a not-open relationship? I've gained something from this experience - a reminder that I'm lazy. When the job isn't miserable, I recognize that...for me it's easy now. Sure sometimes I have challenges and have to hustle, and sadly this the first group that isn't thrilled that I'll work any time any place, but overall the pace is borderline amusing. I could do more, but my goal throughout my life is to be well situated enough to coast (modified goal, without being painfully bored). The downside is I'm not a 905 series attorney, which may harm my ability to move on if I have to, and my skills stagnating when I could move around and up for higher salary. Still, the top for government isn't that much higher than where I am now. Perhaps this is my fantasy job from which I can coast for 20 years.
HOUSE omg. I'm spending cash, tons, but now I'm used to it - the money is spent. I'm stunned how lucky I am; my contractor is so good, my project manager and friend Scott is soliciting Jordan to work for...his brother. His family. For major work. So there is an expert soliciting my contractor for incredibly important work for his family...screams volumes. But I have these other fun thoughts about this nonsense, besides holy shit I'm lucky this is turning out well (the internet is not shy about remodeling horror stories).
I've worked for decades to have the money to pull this shit off. I have gone to school too much, worked at jobs I hated, balanced when to focus and take it vs. when to move on (see above), and lived like I was still a college roommate as my salary doubled, tripled, quintupled. I learned investment strategies and had mild success. I've worked my fucking ass off (profanities required for emotional emphasis) to have the money to do this (or do something, this wasn't my plan but it's possible because of the actions above). Now it's amusing to me to think - as I can do a little thing here or there, a team of construction experts have worked 40 hours a week...for me. I paid men to work for weeks...WEEKS, with the money I made from work from years...DECADES. I learned psyc, computers, law, and office politics...they learned surviving pain, physical skills, their coworker interactions and who knows what else...somehow this "my money is what other people worked for" seems magical now. I know the same is true for each time I go to the grocery store, but here I show up and guys and breaking and making things in my home for my money. It's weird.
There are issues in my life, present and from the far past but still occasionally in mind, that make me sad about lost connections. How do I say this...I can't let go. I have to let go - some of my friends suck or were not really my friends. I can't be friends with everyone. I can't keep dating all my ex's. But seeing someone I was with, wanted to be with, and knowing they're not interested still makes me sad. It's immature, unrealistic, downright fantasy unicorn kingdom material, but my illogical mind still is wistful for each encounter or thought of someone with whom there isn't a mutual connection or possibility of one. My rational brain assails the actual connections and people there for me - tons of reason that's meaningless too. Then I mock myself for the fact that being wistful is just another selfish act when my emotions define me as if longing made me a beautiful person.
Your actions make you, not how you explain them or feel about them.
