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Jun. 7th, 2013 08:13 amMiddle age crisis: It's a joke that's often told about balding men in sports cars, though you don't hear about women complainant about deobjectification. Maybe I missed the memo, but today I feel like I get it more - the standard by which I am judged, or I judge myself, have changed. I am successful by some standards, but my lifelong issue (and story of my successes) is that I devalue all achievements the minute they are achieved.
I was thinking of this, kicked over the edge as outside my window a father counseled his young son as they walked together. Yesterday was a big influence too - I'm enjoying "gym successes" as for a tiny man, I'm unusually strong. I'm also fully aware I'm small so my success is more a proportional one, and I'm nowhere near the level of people who actually compete. Worse, I'm aware that at least part of my gym success is sort of a misdirected goal or goals:
I wanted to be liked, and working out would make me attractive
I didn't want to be picked on, and the gym is both a way to a nontech arms race, plus a way to compete in a way where winning and losing have moderate costs compared to fighting in the street.
But yesterday I talked to a man in his...late 40s? 50s? Probably younger than 60, and he is scaling back because his doctor told him that the shoulder problem was arthritis, and is option of shoulder replacement didn't mean he could be hard core in the gym. The parts will wear out in 15 years normally, but more like 10 if he lifts big weights.
My father had arthritis in his shoulder, and my shoulder hurts plus needs major warm-ups just to reach over my head. My knees crunch. I have a stupid muscle pull in my butt that hasn't healed in...a year? and may never. Even if I found some magic key and became awesome in the gym:
Who cares. It is good to be healthy, but nobody cares how strong I am and this sport is one played alone (I really should make my workout more social, but I may still be smarting from trying to turn boxing club into some social connections and ultimately failing)
My success today may be my inability to move properly tomorrow. One way or another, I'll die fat or frail if I don't get hit by a car.
So middle age? I feel like I have a lot to pass on. While my perspective is still one of achieving and growing today, the future shows slowing down in all aspects of my life, little or no concern for how I'm viewed by others, and a desire - more so - to pass on what I've learned to others. I'd really like to have kids - I don't know if there is a good reason to want them, but I admit some of it is wanting to pass on biology. I am not crazy enough to think I could control or even reasonably predict what the kids would turn in to - but even if they fail into crack-smoking trailer welfare, I could sigh knowing I did my best to pass along something worthwhile.
I'm 44 and I'm winding down.
I was thinking of this, kicked over the edge as outside my window a father counseled his young son as they walked together. Yesterday was a big influence too - I'm enjoying "gym successes" as for a tiny man, I'm unusually strong. I'm also fully aware I'm small so my success is more a proportional one, and I'm nowhere near the level of people who actually compete. Worse, I'm aware that at least part of my gym success is sort of a misdirected goal or goals:
I wanted to be liked, and working out would make me attractive
I didn't want to be picked on, and the gym is both a way to a nontech arms race, plus a way to compete in a way where winning and losing have moderate costs compared to fighting in the street.
But yesterday I talked to a man in his...late 40s? 50s? Probably younger than 60, and he is scaling back because his doctor told him that the shoulder problem was arthritis, and is option of shoulder replacement didn't mean he could be hard core in the gym. The parts will wear out in 15 years normally, but more like 10 if he lifts big weights.
My father had arthritis in his shoulder, and my shoulder hurts plus needs major warm-ups just to reach over my head. My knees crunch. I have a stupid muscle pull in my butt that hasn't healed in...a year? and may never. Even if I found some magic key and became awesome in the gym:
Who cares. It is good to be healthy, but nobody cares how strong I am and this sport is one played alone (I really should make my workout more social, but I may still be smarting from trying to turn boxing club into some social connections and ultimately failing)
My success today may be my inability to move properly tomorrow. One way or another, I'll die fat or frail if I don't get hit by a car.
So middle age? I feel like I have a lot to pass on. While my perspective is still one of achieving and growing today, the future shows slowing down in all aspects of my life, little or no concern for how I'm viewed by others, and a desire - more so - to pass on what I've learned to others. I'd really like to have kids - I don't know if there is a good reason to want them, but I admit some of it is wanting to pass on biology. I am not crazy enough to think I could control or even reasonably predict what the kids would turn in to - but even if they fail into crack-smoking trailer welfare, I could sigh knowing I did my best to pass along something worthwhile.
I'm 44 and I'm winding down.
