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Did old rag in the snow - aint that ice a bitch! Let's say rather than hiking we scrabbled up the rocks and slid down the other side. Training all the time or not, my inner-thighs and knees took a beating keeping upright (usually). Seth found a really cool irish pub which I am ashamed that Kel and I missed all those years (it's only blocks from the Carousel ice-cream place). Nothing to finish off a long icy hike like a tuna steak with crab and hollandaise sauce. And Guinness. Gloat!

Tonight would have been restful, except that when I came home I found that not only had the rodents outside laid into my windows (though it seems the foil or my delicious-smelling spice mix discouraged them - can't tell as dark as it is) but the ones inside had made a royal mess out of the insulation in the ceiling and eaten the poison. I thought it over, figured if they ate the poison they were gonna die anyway only slowly, so I put the glue traps up there. Leaving the graphic parts out, I got little sleep and caught & killed 2 rodents. The graphic parts are...graphic. I put another trap up there.

Gonna be a long day at work today - got my MSJ done over the weekend, but I got little sleep last night. There are complications with my settlement agreement as the position the guy is supposed to return to is filled. The mgt official I was dealing with whose multiple mistakes I revealed (as politically nicely as I could) has gone from her stance of mitigation to a hard-nosed punishment perspective - it seems she hung out with the Director and now has built up more personal friend clout and is cashing in hard (in other areas, not just on my one case). Politics ugh. Hate to sound misogynistic, but I'm referring to the uneducated female click of managers as hens.

(no subject)

I think I just learned something really unpleasant about myself - and I figure why not blast it all over the internet for all the world to see...

I can't help but dwell on the negative. Seriously. I had some petty ass crap on my mind, that while I intellectually knew better, I couldn't stop thinking about. I was the monk that hadn't put the woman down at the end of the puddle. I kept bending and twisting stuff so it was as horrible as it felt. I still replay hospital scenes and ones that I wish happened but didn't. Very negative.

Since that unhappy rodent incident it's all I can think about. I keep seeing them over and over. I keep rethinking what I did, am still doing, and would I could do. I can't stop...well when I realize I'm doing it I stop, but my mind returns there over and over. I mean it was 3 something in the morning and the whole horrid scene was about 6" from my eyeball...but why do I keep replaying it? Yay I got the petty stuff out of heavy rotation...only to replace it with hurt rodents.

I've identified a problem - probably a breakthrough, but how the hell do I shake out of it? I think of other things and logically note I don't need to replay it over and over when I catch myself doing it, but without constant control it's where my mind returns. Maybe there aren't really rats in my house...they're in...my head. Rats, in my head, in my head, in my head...there's a hole in the sky...

I'm in some serious poo poo at work. I settled a case to return someone to his job, but didn't check to see if his job was still vacant...it aint. Nothing in the area. Ho sheit.