My response to the "privilege" MEME.

I was talking to someone the other day about whether owning a ferrari means you're rich. I argued it did, and we talked about the difference between spending what you make and saving for retirement. I hadn't really thought about it, but I realized I sock away about 25-50% of all the money I make into the future. 15% of salary goes into my retirement problem off the top, then I max out my roth IRA - another 5k post taxes annum as of today. Right there I'm already over 20%, then if you figure my private stocks and property investments are retirement plans as well (they definitely are, but technically I could sell them), I might be even over 50% of my income spent on the future. My god - I don't use half of my income! Am I rich? Poor?

If I had rich parents I would probably spend my money, perhaps even earn it, in a different way. Privilege? I went to public schools, had educated parents, and received help going to college. The important thing in my current view is what I have to do based on my parents financial well-being. I've lived my life knowing I had to support myself - that I would always be responsible for me, so when the time came that I fell ill or was otherwise unable to take care of myself, I had to have the resources to take care of it. On my parent's death, I receive nothing or minimal funds. I'm strapped in a lower-middle class lifestyle because despite my income and sound financial decisions I have to invest in my future with a huge portion of my income.

I have friends of similar income levels living much better than I am. They receive gifts from parents, but more importantly have a financial situation in which they can be assured a legacy of retirement money from their parents. Several have "millionaire" parents if you count the property owned in addition to investments. Their entire lives, they have lived with the knowledge that no matter what they did, they had a lifetime of security to fall back on. Most of those friends are very successful, hard-working, and should be very independently proud of where they are today based on their labors. Had they not had rich parents, they may well still be successful at similar income levels to where they are today. However, the lifestyle they live, the risks they took, the time they spent playing, and the fact they don't sock away 25-50% or more of their income is also the product of their privilege.

If I sound proud of what I've accomplished given my resources, I am. If I sound jealous of my richer friends, I am; but I'm not bitter. I'm proud of them too. I just wish I could get back those years I was living on beans and rice while I worked in a factory through grad school, and I wish I had their retirement plan so I could play with my hard-earned money today.

(no subject)

I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
I've mocked that quote for my entire life. I've wished the worst on everyone, from herpes to hiv to cancer to automotive impact - openly so. I've cheered columbine shooters and advocated their possible positions. I've thrown the word kill around. A lot. I've turned people off - nice people whom I really respected, and seen the light in their eyes dim when they recognized the extent of my anger.

I've had a couple of experiences lately. One was firing a gun - something felt more real, and shook me to realize that "walking around blowing people away" really was just ignorant blathering idiocy spewing out of my mouth. Picturing someone's brains or kneecap splattered on the floor is far different when you don't actually hold a gun in your hand. My worst shots are when thoughts about people pop up while I'm on the target.

Karma. I still scream coincidence, but call it what you will I have to make it my philosohpy. I'm empathetic to a fault - selfish perhaps, angry, bitter, short-sighted, judgmental...I'm still working on a basket full of faults, but I do tend to feel a lot (how do you think I got so angry in the first place?) Karma. Happy people want to help others, hurt people want to harm others. I think I just got a kick in the teeth realization that I'm not as cold as I thought I was. I can still be cold and do what needs doing, but I'm shocked at how I feel about it when it goes from an angry rant to an action. Sure I want to hurt somebody, but actually hurting is different - seeing somebody hurt hurts. I would wish that on my worst enemy, sure, but not if I really understood how that would make them feel.

I'm not a warrior. I'm hurt and angry sometimes, but that doesn't mean I'm going to hurt anyone. In fact, I think I'd be far better served if I tried to work through the anger - think it through logically, as I tell others to do. There are solutions closer to my nature that I should embrace.

Ho-boy have I got work to do on me. So old and I still feel like I'm just starting.