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Sep. 26th, 2004 10:26 amI was wrong again. I thought I could go out last night and have fun. I thought I could leave the stress behind, the stress of the last 3-4 weeks of killing myself at both work and school. Instead of letting loose and having a relaxing session, the only thing that was coming loose was anger. I've gotten too good at putting it away - but it just builds up pressure.
I remember seeing a poker player who had won over a mil. He was unable to express joy, finally giving up and raising his hand, but his facial expression didn't change. He had been forcing his face to be blank for too long. That's kind of how I feel - I've gone back to that amazing discipline, keeping myself in isolation to focus on the work that needs to be done...but I've done it so much I can't let go.
I had a few drinks, and the only urge that came up was to beat people. The guy in the top hat, ruffles, and cane was tempting but hey, who am I to judge someone else's geekitude? Even sexual urges were all kinda like "Wow, I'd really like to tie her up and smack the hell out of her ass."
Having fun takes practice. I won't be able to practice for some time. I don't know what I looked, mad, sad...but it was noticed a lot whatever it was. Thanks to everyone who came up to me (someone many times) to see how I was doing.
I remember seeing a poker player who had won over a mil. He was unable to express joy, finally giving up and raising his hand, but his facial expression didn't change. He had been forcing his face to be blank for too long. That's kind of how I feel - I've gone back to that amazing discipline, keeping myself in isolation to focus on the work that needs to be done...but I've done it so much I can't let go.
I had a few drinks, and the only urge that came up was to beat people. The guy in the top hat, ruffles, and cane was tempting but hey, who am I to judge someone else's geekitude? Even sexual urges were all kinda like "Wow, I'd really like to tie her up and smack the hell out of her ass."
Having fun takes practice. I won't be able to practice for some time. I don't know what I looked, mad, sad...but it was noticed a lot whatever it was. Thanks to everyone who came up to me (someone many times) to see how I was doing.
