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Sep. 26th, 2004 10:26 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
vicarzI was wrong again. I thought I could go out last night and have fun. I thought I could leave the stress behind, the stress of the last 3-4 weeks of killing myself at both work and school. Instead of letting loose and having a relaxing session, the only thing that was coming loose was anger. I've gotten too good at putting it away - but it just builds up pressure.
I remember seeing a poker player who had won over a mil. He was unable to express joy, finally giving up and raising his hand, but his facial expression didn't change. He had been forcing his face to be blank for too long. That's kind of how I feel - I've gone back to that amazing discipline, keeping myself in isolation to focus on the work that needs to be done...but I've done it so much I can't let go.
I had a few drinks, and the only urge that came up was to beat people. The guy in the top hat, ruffles, and cane was tempting but hey, who am I to judge someone else's geekitude? Even sexual urges were all kinda like "Wow, I'd really like to tie her up and smack the hell out of her ass."
Having fun takes practice. I won't be able to practice for some time. I don't know what I looked, mad, sad...but it was noticed a lot whatever it was. Thanks to everyone who came up to me (someone many times) to see how I was doing.
I remember seeing a poker player who had won over a mil. He was unable to express joy, finally giving up and raising his hand, but his facial expression didn't change. He had been forcing his face to be blank for too long. That's kind of how I feel - I've gone back to that amazing discipline, keeping myself in isolation to focus on the work that needs to be done...but I've done it so much I can't let go.
I had a few drinks, and the only urge that came up was to beat people. The guy in the top hat, ruffles, and cane was tempting but hey, who am I to judge someone else's geekitude? Even sexual urges were all kinda like "Wow, I'd really like to tie her up and smack the hell out of her ass."
Having fun takes practice. I won't be able to practice for some time. I don't know what I looked, mad, sad...but it was noticed a lot whatever it was. Thanks to everyone who came up to me (someone many times) to see how I was doing.
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Date: 2004-09-26 10:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-26 06:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-09-27 05:50 am (UTC)I'd hadn't thought of it in those terms, but I think this happens to me, too. Probably more often than I'd like to think. Life gets so busy, just holding it all together, it's hard to relax.
Sorry we missed seeing you out. Let me know if you can sneak away for some food or drinks sometime.
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Date: 2004-09-27 09:25 am (UTC)Weird thing is, when I am like that, people never notice that I am NOT myself.
Wow, I'd really like to tie her up and smack the hell out of her ass.
Hehe. THAT is funny!
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Date: 2004-09-27 07:58 pm (UTC)First -lose your shit on people that you care about
Second -quit your job
Third -move to a new city with no job prospect and
no money
This will make you feel better. At least for a week or so. Then reality sets in again and you feel mildly stressed because the idea of living with your parents again is terrifying.
But I'll be at the club next Sat because I voted and if I end up back in Florida I want to have fun once more before I go.
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Date: 2004-09-28 04:22 am (UTC)