I just want you to know that I think about each and every one of you. I mean that. I don’t just think of you, I really think of you. Every day. While I masturbate. I’m not kidding - when I masturbate (every day) I think about each and every one of you. I picture things we have done and replay the ol’ mental vcr whilst I puncheth the red-nosed jester. For those few I haven’t consummated my friendship with, I create elaborate scenarios in which we do just that - often in groups (saves time). I will not allow myself to reach the conclusion of my thinking about relations with my friends until each and every one of them has been thought about.
That is how much I care about you, each and every one of you.
Well, that’s not exactly true.
You see, the fact that some of you are people I have not consummated our relationship with, and the fact that logistics prevent me from performing physical acts of expression with all of you on a regular basis, inspired me to take extra steps to ensure that my love for you was shown to at least a part of you. That is why I have silently collected skin, hair, and other samples of organic material from most of you (this is a difficult project not yet completed). In the crawlspace beneath my unit is the remnants of the old boiler system, and in that space I have used the ample water, electricity, and privacy to create a laboratory (I have no older sister to break into it). In that lab, I have created clones of you. I have engaged those clones in accelerated growth programs, which have resulted in replicas I can have sex with on your behalf. That’s right - if you can read this, I’m having sex with your clone.
That, is how much I love you.
Happy Halloween!
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