(no subject)

[vicarz]

I'm afraid I let it happen. I said I wouldn't. I'm letting law school make me into a nervous wreck...no that's not saying it right, I'm becoming a nervous wreck in law school. Do I really have more work this time around, or am I just freaking? Why do I care about class rank and grades? Why is it my friends get the back burner but I seem to have 30 minutes to play diablo? Why has everything from the gym to club activity become a distant priority compared to preparing for my April exams?

I had a conversation with a graying 20-something year-old who has already started carving out his way to the financial top. Same guy who runs around with shorts and button-down long-sleeve work-white shirts and tie. Preppie to a whole new level. Talking to him makes it clear he has his eyes on the prize. Ick. The nice people who don't care about their grades or big $$$ are my friends, but do not inspire me to work less. The go-getters make me ill - often they're quite nice, don't get me wrong...it's just that when...How do I say it? Talking with the people who are after those top dollars reminds me how little I care about those dollars. The people who care about them seem so needy, so broken - hollow, like something serious is missing. Perhaps they're trying to fill something they lack with financial achievement? Money makes up for their lack of personality, interest, soul?

I get all wrapped in competing and rank, but lose perspective as to why the hell I'm doing it in the first place. There are benefits to excelling, but I'm already 10 years into a career. I'm probably not going to start over from scratch, so my ranking isn't so important.

Fighting for rank isn't bad, but letting it affect me and my mood is. I think I need to keep perspective from slipping, adjust back to something rational.

Comments

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't make assumptions about where and what you will be in ten years. I've got a couple of years on you and I "just" decided (last February) to try and move my career into academia. I'm finding that rank is important, as is who I study with and what I actually do while in the program.
-none of which guarantees a good or even decent position at the end-

No, you shouldn't let it affect your mood and you do need to keep your perspective. BUT - the "outlay" of effort, stress, time, and angst is yours so you will feel better knowing you've given the work your best effort.

Remain rational. You are aware (with your other grad degree, no?) that there are many types of personality and your means of measuring success are different than others.

[In my terms - I won't graduate with a cum laude but IF I publish and prove my academic work, it will probably compensate. I can accept this. I measure my "rank" by more than grades, though others might not. can't control that.]

Not to tweak your stress - but your ranking may be important as part of a holistic analysis of your credentials in relation to something else, one day. Having a crisis over rank will do you no good.

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I'd rather be in the gym picking up metal or in the ring picking up teeth worrying about rank!

Remain rational? Doesn't that imply the existance of such a state?

I think I need to find a balance. The problem is there is always more I can do. I've never done my best. I watched a cartoon, I had a drink, I played a game, I walked too slow, I didn't focus enough, I slept too little, I slept too much...

And?

[grymnir.livejournal.com]

I played Civ III; I screwed around with new designs for external websites; I went to the club...and DID nOT spend every minute reading or working for my grades. I spent a lot of time doing so - but I'm mid-30's; I cannot play the 20-something grad/law student that maintains a stricit schedule and never does anything other than read and write for class.

True- the grades are not as good as they could be - but there is the balance and fact that if you burn yourself out, the rank drops anyway.

Don't waste teh time worrying about what you didn't do; focus on what you can do, must do, and choose to do. Guilt and angst are pointless.

Re: And?

[wabmart.livejournal.com]

I've been in grad school for four years. I've seen too many tweakouts and burnouts to think maintaining a strict schedule and such is remotely safe.

Re: And?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I just always see how much more there is to do. It's hard to balance how much rest and play is responsible.

I keep trying to develop a 'fuck-it' attitude, but then I want more As.

[bluvampr.livejournal.com]

Fighting for rank isn't bad, but letting it affect me and my mood is. I think I need to keep perspective from slipping, adjust back to something rational.

HAHAHA. rationality. perspective.

seriously, though, seems like you, me, and the rest of the world are having some issues with that these days... must be something in the water ;)

lunch sometime?

Re:

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Lunch good! When...that's my issue. I'm not as far ahead/along as last semester. This is wrong - I was supposed to be doing better this semester now that 'I know what I'm doing.'

Lunch, yes. When, dunno. Sigh...

Re:

[bluvampr.livejournal.com]

hee. just shoot me an email sometime when you have a free lunch period coming up ;)

[thefeline.livejournal.com]

Hmmm...you could always look at it like it's the Tri-Wizard tournament from "Goblet of Fire" (you read that one right?).

Looks like you've gone from Harry to Hermione. heh. Okay enough Harry Potter references.

You're doing this because you can make a difference with your law degree..you're not doing it to become some hot shot divorce lawyer in a corvette with a bimbo with fake tits in the front seat.

::sigh::

Do it for the Godiva Cheesecake!

Hrmmm.

Monkey?