Never a horta around when you need one

[vicarz]

Eternity. Ends.

I shouldn't be surprised but I feel...surprisingly empty.
I feel really muthafuggin empty.

Will NOT be a record setting gym day. But I act, and will go.
It's what I've taught myself to do.
Even if I'm not good at it.

Comments

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

This is too vague for me to know for sure what you're on about but I'm guessing and either way, whether I'm on or off, it doesn't change the fact that I'm sorry you're sad.

I also want to apologize for calling you "Jose" for months. Because of fb, I didn't think you took the accent.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Vague on purpose and won't last for long. It won't come as a surprise to you.

OMG don't worry about the é aka alt-130. I'm happy if it's not an H, and really I'm not offended then.

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

It's option+e e on a Mac, which is what I use. Never memorized the keystroke for PCs so usually looked for something I could cut and paste instead of searching through menus for "special characters."

No, not a surprise, as you say. I read your announcement post while under the influence of sleeping pills, though, so the next day I woke up wondering if I'd dreamed the news. Just tonight checked and saw that no, you really did say that.

One of my colleagues ended things with her lover and I asked her if she thinks it will stick. I have the same question of you. You said eternity ends but it was never eternity to begin with, so is it possible that this isn't the end? I guess that's a question people always ask... Pat questions for a unique situation.

If I were there I'd do gay-bar dancing with you and wouldn't whine when you wanted to leave at midnight. Do you drink when you go dancing?

[vicar.livejournal.com]

YES.
In tonight after drinking...and I would have danced if the night didn't suck giant monkey balls.

I could only dance after drinking for ages, and it's still far more my natural state.

Edit next morning with coffee.
She's here, spending the night because of a long day at work. I didn't answer the more important question; yes, it will stick. Yes it is sad because while it sounds like a truism, it was an immediate reality:
We were either going to get married or break up.

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

Ah. Well. That is a truism I've heard. Not one I've ever experienced personally. I've had what I thought were going-towards-marriage relationships. Not having the self-awareness and/or the courage to deal with desires that conflicted with that ideal, I chose to escape the relationships by cheating. In my last relationship, there was also a lot of push back from my partner about marriage. I knew he was loyal (to a fault) and didn't want to get married, like, ever, and somehow those two things didn't fit into my brain at the same time. I didn't know what our future looked like. After the fact I found out he was deeply unhappy with me and often thought about leaving but stayed (see above re: loyalty). Whereas I spent a lot of our time together trying to convince him to change his mind about the marriage thing, because seeing as we were going to be together forever, why couldn't/wouldn't he give that to me (and also decide what I wanted for myself regarding children, which is a hard thing to do when you have a partner who waffles on this but is mostly against it, and eventually asks you to stop talking about the damn children thing). Now I come out of things on the other side thinking, no, children are not for me but maybe marriage is but how can I possibly know? There's no proof I'd be any good at it.

This is me going off about myself, rambling, when all I really wanted to say was, "Ugh." And ask who wanted to get married and who didn't. And say I'm sorry. And thank you for answering my question.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I like hearing about you - happy you did. Thanks for sharing in the real sense not the thing you say to be funny or mean sense.

I, embarrassingly as I have not cheated since I was like 20 and I take some pride in that EVEN IF a lot of that was failing to commit, was on the verge of either cheating or making our relationship polly the way most do - with only partner wanting to make it polly. That's why I was on here rambling "I'm a cheater, not cheating, but a cheater." Also, passive aggressive unhappy that this loyal person didn't read my fucking journal.

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

Glad I didn't bore/irritate you. You're welcome.

I identified with those posts, in part. Seeing as I have cheated a lot (whatever that means; from the sounds of things everyone cheats all the time, so I guess I'm just average) I see myself as a cheater. I'm not cheating now, not exactly, because I don't have a relationship, but I see myself occupying the cheater role in other ways: being the mistress, looking at someone new as a partner I'd eventually cheat on. Even being a bad friend sometimes feels like cheating. Gossiping about or not returning the love given to you by someone you were very clear about loving and caring for a year ago.

The summer I was 18, my world was my boyfriend. Until it wasn't. I still remember what my crush at the restaurant I worked at looked like. His name was Kevin and he had very dark hair and blue eyes. I didn't realize when he asked me out for coffee that that was against the rules. I got in trouble for that, from my bf. But it wasn't long after that that I realized I was catching myself looking at men and boys in the street and wanting them. Women too, probably, considering I fell in love with a woman later that term, although we never dated/slept together. Before I moved away for my second year of university, I broke up with the boyfriend. It remains to this day one of the best moves I've made relationship-wise (I messed up later by getting back together with him). Maybe things were simpler then. My heart was truer, less sad. Maybe I was just manic and sex-crazed (he wouldn't fuck me) and saw clearly the road out of that penury: splitting up!

This made me cry: Also, passive aggressive unhappy that this loyal person didn't read my fucking journal.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

I had a real moral battle over cheating when I was the cheatee...I knew better but it wasn't technically my role. I tried not to cheat even then. Honesty is a big deal.

Lots of us do at younger ages though.

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

Before the recent debacle, it had been a while since I was the cheatee. Like going on ten years. And that relationship was so fraught with grey areas and lies and emotional abuse and dependency that I didn't really care that at some points the person I was with was also apparently seeing someone else. I considered it a coup that I knew about the other person at all, considering he tried to keep all of his lives and various girlfriends separate. I mean, the guy slept with a friend of mine in MY house, while I was in the other room!!

This most recent case I haven't processed yet. I am having trouble taking responsibility for being the mistress because I didn't realize that's what I was until the very end. Looking back, the proof is all there, proof that what we were doing was very much emotional infidelity. That particular situation has made me feel even more broken, relationship-wise. The fact I was so deluded. And loved someone who was so clearly unavailable.

[vicar.livejournal.com]

Ouch, yeah that sounds like a lesson to let simmer.
As you know I'm doing some wtf introspection myself.
I was borderline in the "Dan Savage says it's ok to cheat" world.

[seaopaque.livejournal.com]

FWIW, I admire your getting out before you did cheat.