vicarz | Success or enjoying it

When I write subjects at all, they all sound like Bullwinkle narration.

Oh it's addictive. The weather has sent me into a crazy spiral, for I cannot imagine more perfect weather, and I'm just inside by open windows. It's glorious and I'm happy, except I nag myself that when it's nice, I should be out with friends in a nice restaurant or bar, out with friends being athletic, or perhaps outside with friends.

My friends are like me - we don't hang out much anymore. I have some very good friends with whom I spend time on a regular basis - smart fuckers too, who can have actual conversations (in addition to being shallow and crass - you need both for me). But...we have jobs, real boring lives to maintain - last night I did laundry because hanging things would dry faster in the beautiful weather! Jobs and real boring life doesn't just take most of your time, it takes your energy too, which wrecks the remaining time.

Last night I made a few half-hearted pings to go out and do something. I'm not a girl or a troll (as in trolling for poon rather than internet trolling) so I haven't developed the go to a public place and engage socially with success. I don't enjoy things alone, except things with measurable results.

People say I'm not a loser. I will always feel like I am, I think. To me the only activity that seems to fit the not-a-loser mentality is my 17 year old stupid dream of hanging out and having fun with with my attractive friends; or my 19-35 year old self which varied only by wanting to have sex with them all. At once. With robots. Dream big, baby.

But I'm engaged in areas where success can be measured. I make money, invest it, and count the returns. I lift weights - yesterday I did a 385 deadlift (wrong twice, so I counted once) which got comments (I'm fat now at 150, but that's mighty small for that lift per the average Gold's person). Even my stupid video game is quantifiable in terms of levels of your characters and gold levels.

And work...last night when nothing materialized out of thin air and last-minute half-assed planning, I did what I really wanted to do - the aforementioned laundry, and finalizing a draft of my motion for summary judgment in case #2 in which I'm filing MSJs this coming week (plus swapped some likely-near-final settlement terms with another late-shift working attorney). I felt positively HIGH that I produced the motion, as it frees up today. I will be taking leave today. I'm on leave right now.

What do I do with the leave I saved up and can take now? I have to go grocery shopping. I have to go to the gym. I may just disappear in my measurable things again; lift more longer, play my stupid game, count or plan my finances...not hang out. Not engage socially. Not run-hike-play.

I'm not sure if it's good or bad that if I'm familied someday that I may not, or force myself to not, feel so silly - everyone I know who has spawn values their time with their family, whether they're vanilla or polly wacko robot-fucking folks.

I realize if Janna were here I wouldn't feel like this at all; first of all she wouldn't put up with sitting around this long - she would not tolerate not-doing something. I wouldn't feel weird - last night I felt like beer, but I'm fat and beer in my living room feels weird when I'm not burning from work stress. If she were here, beer in the living room would be awesome, tv would be fun, and walking would not seem pointless. Is that her, my hangups, or us?

For a while I was going to the coffee place as a quasi social thing. Now being around people just seems lame as I'm not engaging with anyone except in passing. Booze bars are perhaps even more silly - there is no avoided cleanup on drinks and the market is higher. As northsdie has gotten more wine-bar, and java is not really conducive except for bike-riders and lesbian dog walkers in pairs, I drink coffee at home where I won't wind up smelling like a restaurant. That's where this post came from - 24 oz of home pressed drug fueled pondering. But now for work.